I will tell you a tale about the Webcam. It arrived in the middle of the 90's, like everything else great did. There was something different about this little peripheral however. The video phone was something people thought about when the word 'future' was said. That, and flying cars with neat little noises. The Webcam was just like a video phone, despite most versions only having text ability. Well, they have audio capability now. Sounds neat right? I've recently been given a Webcam. Yeah, given. Because I would never buy one. Here's why:
The question: What's the point of webcams?
The answer: To see who you're talking to. Actually, it's like a still frame that moves an inch or two. The screens are huge. And lets face it, when you are staring at the computer screen with that dumb founded George Bush-esque look on your face, it isn't too exciting or appealing. Pictures usually are since you know that a picture "lasts forever". So you'll smile or pose or whatever. Not with webcams, you'll just be starin' the screen. I've actually made a little guide about Webcams. Let's go over it.
That's me when I first got the cam set up. I thought "hey, this is kinda cool". It was like a live video of myself. Nice.
I started trying it out with friends. They all wanted me to get a cam, but one of them just gave me her old one. I'll take a free gift. One thing I learned is the frustration of getting the damn thing working. And when someone says something stupid or something the makes you question their friendship, it shows. Facial expressions are a new evil. That's why I like the phone. I don't have to worry about my facial expressions. Half the time when I'm on the phone I'm making disgusted faces and often have my hands in innappropriate places. Oh come on! How many of you don't mess around with yourself on the phone? Sometimes it's just a natural instict to play with your 'hair' or "stomp the goomba" while on the phone. Big deal, they can't see! Well they can with Webcam.
For those of you who know me well enough, you know that I'm not too fond of people and their stupidity. I take my anger out on objects at times. Flippin' the bird used to be a past time on the internet when people pissed me off. Not with the Webcam. No sir-ree. No more can I vent my anger when someone breaks The List. I just have to take their crap and smile. Literally. This webcam has become a burden. I have to be careful in what I do. I can't down a 2 liter of Mountain Dew and a bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos on Webcam. I just have to sit stationary and hope my frustrations go unnoticed. What's the point of this again?
This, my friends, is the sole purpose of owning a Webcam. So to you can be dirty and show your body parts online. I have ruled out any other bullshit that people say about Webcams. Other than the joy of stripping, they are useless. Who wants to look at someones head move an inch or two once in awhile? I don't! I want action! I want that cute gurly I'm talking to to show me what she's hiding! What's under the garments my lady? Oh my, it's a pair of breasts! With Webcams, you can go under the false guise of NOT being a whore! The trick is, you really are! It's not cheating, showing someone else my body on the internet isn't cheating, it's my body I can do what I want! Ha...don't tell yourself lies Cam_Whore. That's the only reason you got the Webcam anyway. Honestly, why the hell would you want to look at someone staring at a screen with that bored, stupified look on their face? Webcams are for having a little extra fun. The shy girls can finally show themselves online without getting caught! Until they find out about this little doo-hicky called the "Print Screen" button. Boy will they be pissed at this revalation!
Bottom line here is this: Webcams, while a good idea on paper, are completly stupid and unneeded (much like the Segway, minus the good on paper part). Sure, you could talk to Grandma down in Missouri over Webcam, but unless you get kicks on watching old people stare mindlessly into a screen like they actually have interest, you could just look at their latest picture they sent via email and let them IM you. Otherwise, that cam in the corner is for dirty purposes. I'm not complaining about that too much, I'm just bitching about the people who try and hide it. You like people complimenting your body and you are willing to sell yourself out to get those nice words. Good for you, I don't mind at all! Just make sure to get a good full frontal shot in there, you know, just so you won't be wasting any of our time. Horray for teenage sluts!
Oh yeah, people between the ages of 30 and 50 with Webcams really scare me.
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