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| Bill Clinton |
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| C L I N T O N . J O K E S Reagan, Nixon and Clinton were all on a sinking ship. Reagan shouted, "Women and children first." Nixon shouted, "Screw the women." Clinton said, "Do you think we have time?!" ******* The President is meeting with Saddam Hussein regarding the recent crisis. They are meeting in Hussein's Baghdad capital, and halfway through the meeting Hussein hits a button on his armrest. A fake arm flies out and hits Clinton in the face. A little while later he hits another button and Clinton ducks, only to be kicked in the butt. A while later, this happens again. Clinton is angry, calls a break, and they decide to meet again later, in Washington. When Hussein comes to DC, they sit in Clinton's office. A few minutes into the discussions, Clinton hits a button, Hussein ducks, but nothing happens. A few minutes later, Clinton hits another button, Hussein ducks again, but still nothing happens. This happens a third time, and Hussein, by this point, is angry and paranoid. He gets up and shouts "Enough of this! I'm going back to Baghdad!" Clinton looks up and displays a funny-looking smirk to the Iraqi leader. Then quite calmly replies, "What Baghdad?" ******* Bill Clinton went to sleep at his desk one afternoon and had a strange dream. In the dream, he died and went to hell. When he gets there, Satan greets him and tells him that he will be there for all eternity, but, because of the way he behaved on earth while living, he gets to choose the type of punishment he will receive. Satan escorts him around and they come to a room where Newt Gingrich is stretched out on a rack, screaming in agony as the wheel is turned. Clinton says, "Nope, I don't think I'd like that kind of punishment." So they go on to the next room. There was Bob Dole, tied to a long pole and suspended over a large tub of raw sewage. He is lowered into the tank until completely submerged. After a few minutes he is lifted out of the tank, gasping and fighting for breath. As soon as he gets his breath back, he's lowered again. "uh-uh!" says Clinton. "That's not for me." Finally they come to a room where Kenneth Starr is hanging from the wall by his thumbs. His pants are down around his ankles, and Monica Lewinsky is performing oral sex on him. Clinton says "OK, if I have to be punished forever, I'll go for that way." Satan says, "Fine. . . that will be your punishment for the next billion years. Monica! Your replacement is here!" ******* Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary woke up and started to shake Bill in order to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up." With a few more shakes Bill finally wakes with a grumpy "What do you want?" "I have to go use the bathroom." Hillary responded. "Aw," said Bill. "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom." "No," Hillary replied. "I just wanted to tell you to save my spot." ******* One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, " Winston Churchill." "Congratulations said the teacher you may go home." The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy". "Very good" says the teacher, "you may go." Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up." Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday." ******* Clinton claimed he had sex with Monica but he didn't impale! ******* Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished,she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleasedand that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant! She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the white house. When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well they rang the oval officeand Bill answered. Hillary said: "Do you know what you did you rotten bastard? You got me pregnant!!!" The President remained silent. Again, Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!" Finally Bill answered, "Who is this???" ******* President Clinton and Pope John-Paul died at exactly the same time. Due to an administrative cock-up at the pearly gates the Pope was sent to hell while Clinton was admitted to Heaven. The mistake was realised soon enough and an exchange was hurriedly arranged. As they passed each other, one on the way up and the othr on his way down, the two men acknowledged each other. "Sorry about the mix up," the President appologised. "No matter," replied the Pope. "At least now I will be able to meet the virgin Mary at last." "Too late," said Bill. ******* If Kenneth Starr can extend his probe, what's wrong with Bill Clinton doing the same? This is the second time in history a "Deep Throat" has been at the center of a presidential controversy. Do you suppose Monica Lewinsky was the head intern? They say the President's favorite movie is "Free Willy." Definition of an Arkansas virgin: A girl who can outrun the Big Creep. What Ted Kennedy has that Bill Clinton wishes HE did: A dead girlfriend. Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic? A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic. Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play? A: Swallow the leader. ******* Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is ticked. He storms into the Secret Service compound and yells, "There's a death threat on the damned front lawn! And it's written in urine! Sonofabitch had to be standing on the porch when he did it. Where the hell were you guys? I want to know who did it, and I want to know NOW." The Secret Service agents scurry for the door. That evening, the chief agent approaches Clinton and says, "Mr. President, we have some bad news and some really bad news. Which do you want first?" Clinton says, "Give me the bad news first." The agent says, "Sir, we tested a sample of the urine. The results just came back. The urine belongs to Al Gore." "Oh my god," Clinton says. "I feel so ... betrayed! My own vice president! What's the *really* bad news?" "Sir, the handwriting belongs to Hillary." ******* Q: What was Monica Lewinsky's position at the White House? A: Missionary. In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton", 86% replied, "Never again" Q: What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal? A: Fornigate. ******* President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" he yells. "It's this Abortion Bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks. "Heck, just go ahead and pay it." Quayle, Gingrich, and Clinton are traveling in a car together in the midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the Land of Oz. They decide to go see the Wizard of Oz. Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain!" Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart!" Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?" ******* Q: What instrument, besides the saxophone, does Bill Clinton play? A: The whore-monica. Q: Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky? A: He couldn't give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first. Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common? A: They were both upset when Bill finished first. Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex? A: When Hillary is out of town. President Clinton didn't say, "Lie for me." What he said was, "Lie DOWN for me." Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House? A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride. So it's about Bill Clinton's new revelations about his sex life. Seems today he finally admitted that he had sex with Gennifer Flowers a couple of times....but he didn't come. Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude? A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes." Q: Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary? A: He wants to be on top. Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down? A: He married her. ******* President Clinton was out jogging when a Hooker standing on the corner hailed him. "Hey Mr. President! Fifty bucks!" "No, no." Bill replied with a grin, "Five bucks!" and kept on jogging. This exchange soon became a part of the President's normal routine. Each day as he'd approach the corner, the hooker would yell out, "Hey Mr. President... Fifty Bucks!" and Bill would holler back, "No, Five Bucks!" Well, one day, Hillary decided she wanted to go jogging with Bill. As they neared the corner, Bill suddenly realized what a terrible scene was about to happen. Sure enough, there was the hooker, and just like all the other times she smiled and waved and yelled out, "Hey Mr. President......See what you get for Five Bucks!" ******* Q: How does Bill Clinton teach a woman to golf? A: He starts with the irons and ends up in the woods. Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat? A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented. "One thing's for sure about Clinton...He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!" Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo? A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time. Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin? A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor. How many Clintons does it take to screw up a lightbulb One. Clinton will....oh you guessed. |
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