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 Free Advertising from Click2Net! An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel. So she began interviewing young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive ... and what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money." One day, an engineer died. he was the kind of engineer that built stuff, like air conditioners. When he died, he went to heaven, and met God. God said 'Hey! You're not on the list! Go to Hell!' So he walked down about 30,555,2091 flights of stairs, and met the devil. He said, 'Okay! Come on in!' While in hell, he made all sorts of things, like escalators, air conditioners, etc. One day, God called the devil and said' You know that engineer? Well, he's suppose to be up here.' So the devil said, 'Are you crazy? I won't give you this guy!' God said, 'Well if you don't, I'll sue!' So the devil said, 'Sue? You can't sue me! You don't have any lawyers up there!' Once a Pope and a lawyer died and they went to heaven. So God came and said, 'Follow me and I will give you your rooms.' So they both followed. First God gave the Pope his room. It was very small with a small bed and a small desk. 'Thank you, thank you my lord,' said the Pope. Then God gave the lawyer his room, it was big room with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and pretty woman. 'Mr.God, why do you give all this to me and just that small room to the Pope?' 'Well, popes, we have them by the dozens, and lawyers, well, your the first one.' A doctor tells a rich old man that he's going to die if he doesn't get a new heart soon. The old man tells the doctor to search the world for the best heart available, money is no object. A few days later the doctor calls the old man and says he has found three hearts but they are all expensive. The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and implores him to tell him about the donors they came from. 'Well, the first one belonged to 22 year old marathon runner, never smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was in peak condition when he was hit by a bus. No damage to the heart, of course. But it costs $100,000!' The old man waving off the last part about the cost asks the doctor to tell him about the second donor. 'This one belonged to a 16 year old long- distance swimmer, high school kid. Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his head on the side of the pool. That heart'll set you back $150,000!' 'Okay,' said the old man, 'what about the third heart?' 'Well this one belonged to a 58 year-old man, smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never exercised, drank like a fish... this heart is going for $500,000!!!' 'Five-hundred grand?!?!', the old man exclaimed, 'why so expensive?' 'Well', said the doctor, 'this heart belonged to a lawyer... so it was never used!' Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, 'I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized. Doctor Fitzpatrick says, 'I prefer mathmeticians. All their organs are numbered.' Doctor Ahn says, 'I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless,and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.' A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelop containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others. By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000. Their was a doctor walking down the sidewalk one day during the towns sidewalk sale days. he noticed a stand that said 'brains for sale.' He went over to investigate and saw a sign that said 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound and another sign that said Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound. So he asked the man behind the cashregister how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00, the man replied, 'do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?' There were three men traveling together, a priest, a farmer and a lawyer. It was starting to get late and they needed to find a place to sleep. They came across this farm and they asked the farmer there if they could spend the night. He said, 'Thats fine but my guest room is only big enough for two people, one of you will have to sleep in the barn.' The priest said, 'I don't mind sleeping with God's creatures, I will take the barn.' So they all agreed and went to their rooms. About an hour later there was a knock at the guest room door and there stood the priest. 'There is a chicken in there that won't stop clucking! I'm sorry but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room.' 'That's ok,' said the farmer, 'I'll sleep in the barn, after all, I'm used to it.' So they all agreed and traded places. About an hour later there was a knock at the guest room door and there stood the farmer. 'I can't stand the odor from that cow in there any more. I'm sorry but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room.' 'Well, I guess that leaves me,' said the lawyer. So he went to sleep in the barn. About an hour later there is a knock at the guest room door and there stands the chicken and the cow. A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter. The proprietor said, that will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it. The man said, 'Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story.' He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked -- the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, which he did -- and all the rats drowned. He returned to the store shortly and when he walked in, the proprietor said, 'Ah ha! You came back to pay the $1,000 for the story, right?' 'No,' replied the man, 'I came back to see if you have any brass lawyers!' How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall? Depends on how hard you throw them. Free Advertising from Click2Net! |
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