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A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." Father said, "Why did you say goodbye grandpa?". The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this - "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and goodbye grandma. Next day the grandmother died. My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say "God bless mommy and goodbye daddy." He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch." In a quiet London park, two nude statues, one man, one woman, received a visit from Creastat, the goddess of art. Noticing their need for restoration, she approached them saying, "My dear, dear children--you have weathered all. Soon you will be in the park refurbishing shop." She went on to say that the two should be given an reward for holding together for more than 100 years. But Creastat couldn't decided on how to reward the two statues, and after some time, came to the conclusion that the best award would be one chosen by the two, standing silent, cast instone. So, she commanded that they come to life for one hour. "Awaken my devoted children, you have one hour to do whatever you wish, and then you will return to your stone form." The man and woman smiled and giggled at each other, and then ran behind some heavy bushes. More laughter and fits of joy came from the bushes, which began to move in a heavy rustling. After some "ahhs and ooohs" the statues reported back to Creastat, saying they were satisfied and would be happy to return back to their stony forms. Creastat was startled: "But you still have 30 minutes left to use--why don’t you go do what you were doing again--!?" Again the two looked at each other, smiled and started to giggle. As they headed for the bushes again, the woman said to the man, "This is going to be great! But this time, you hold the pigeon,and I’ll shit on his head."  Free Advertising from Click2Net! Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come down and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of Oz. They decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz. Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain." Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart." Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?" Yogurt (noun) Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid. Why does Bill Clinton wear women's underwear on his arm? Because he is trying to quit. When the body was first made, all parts wanted to be the Boss. The Brain said, “Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be Boss”. The Hand said, “Since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be Boss”. The Eyes said, “Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where the danger lurks, I should be Boss.” And so it went with the Heart, the Ears, the Feet, the Lungs, and finally the Asshole spoke up and demanded to be the Boss. All other parts laughed at the idea of the Asshole being Boss. The Asshole was so enraged that he blocked himself off and refused to function. Soon the Brain was feverish, the Eyes crossed and ached, the Feet were too weak, the Hands hung limply at the side, the Heart and Lungs struggled just to keep going. All pleaded with the Brain to let the Asshole be Boss. And so it happened. All the other parts did all the work and the Asshole just bossed around and passed out a lot of shit. The Moral of the story: You don’t have to be a brain to be the boss. You just have to be an asshole. A Truck Driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the Road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. A ways down the road the Truck Driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought 'Oh no, I have a priest in the truck I can't run down this lawyer' and at the last second the Truck Driver swerved to miss the lawyer. But, the Truck Driver heard a thump outside of the truck, he looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything. He turned to the priest and said 'Sorry Father, I just missed that Lawyer at the side of the road' And the priest said 'Don't worry son, I got him with my door' The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.)but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny,squeaky voice, 'I'd like to try the bet.' After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man,' What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?' The man replied, 'I work for the IRS.' A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, 'dang, why are you drinking so fast?' The guy says, 'you would be drinking fast if you had what I had.' The bartender says, 'what do you have?' The guy says, '75 cents.' Barry Switzer, clearly upset about the Dallas Cowboys' losing record, decides to find out from Steve Mariucci what his secret is. So Switzer travels up to a 49er practice and asks Mariucci, 'Coach, how is it that your team is so good? What's your secret?' Mariucci responds by calling Steve Young over. 'Steve, who's your father's brother's nephew?' Young answers, 'Why coach, that's easy: it's me.' Mariucci turns to Switzer and says, 'That's the secret, Barry: a smart quarterback. You've got to have a smart quarterback.' Thinking he's finally got all the tools he needs, Switzer returns to Texas and the Cowboys workout. He promptly calls over Troy Aikman. 'Aikman! Who's your father's brother's nephew?' Troy looks perplexed, thinks a minute, then asks, 'Coach, can I get back to you on that?' Switzer, disgusted, says, 'O.K.' During practice, Aikman calls over Deion Sanders. 'Deion, coach just asked me the weirdest question: 'who's your father's brother's nephew?'' Sanders replies, 'Duh! That's easy. It's me!' After practice, Aikman catches up with Switzer. 'Coach, I think I've got it. My father's brother's nephew is Deion Sanders.' Switzer, angry, reprimands, 'NO, NO, NO! You idiot! It's Steve Young!' One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well." The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle. For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female." The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay." Free Advertising from Click2Net! |
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