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 Free Advertising from Click2Net! It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. Life is the only thing you can't get out of alive. May your life be like toilet paper... Long and useful. Someone said to Voltaire, "Life is hard." Voltaire replied, "Compared to what?" We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. Life is full of disappointments, and I'm full of life! Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway. Today is the last day of some of your life. Death is a once in a lifetime experience. Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race. He brought death into the world. What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner. Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, "Maybe life isn't for everyone." Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats. Life is wasted on the living. Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead. There is no cure for birth or death save to enjoy the interval. Life is a razor, you are always in hot water or a scrape. As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something. My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there. Life is what happens while you are making other plans. The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears it's true. In the long run we are all dead. Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100% fatal. Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle. Whenever two men meet there are really six people present. There is each man as he sees himself, each man was the other sees him, and each man as he really is. To attract a man, wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' Women like quiet men because they think they are listening. On one issue at least, men and women agree; they both distrust women. The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again. Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will see a man who can't get his pants off! Don't kick a man when he's down unless you're certain he won't get up. Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead. Man who sneezes without tissues takes matters into his own hands. Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie. Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat. If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..." -- they leave skid marks. This works whether a man or woman says it. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Man, I miss him! Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is. There are easier things in life than finding a good man.... nailing Jell-o to a tree for instance." Mankind is stupid. If you forget, they will remind you. Men are like fish... neither would get in trouble if they kept their mouths shut. What a nice night for an evening. Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance. The world's full of apathy, but I don't care. Perspective is in the eye of the beholder. Prejudiced people are all alike. Those who judge others will burn in Hell! Exaggeration is not all it's cracked up to be. I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity. There's no such thing as nonexistence. Cooperation can only be reached if we work together. As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question. It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature. Avoid cliches like the plague. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. I always try to do things in chronological order. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. Death to all fanatics! An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. Don't chew [or eat] with your mouth full. It's deja vu all over again. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous! I always wanted to be a procrastinator! Rehab is for quitters! Don't be redundant by repeating yourself. Some people type so fast that forget to include I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life. I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid. Free advice is worth what you paid for it. Entropy just isn't what it used to be. I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it. Not only am I redundant & superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness otherwise it's hard to tell if someone is inconspicuous. He doesn't have much of a reputation, or so I've heard. I disagree with unanimity. I have my doubts about disbelief. Avoid Alliteration. Always. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. I always wanted to be a procrastinator... never got around to it. Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a pool. Robin: Holy Kleenex, Batman! It was right under our nose and we blew it! Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. "Bother," said Pooh as the brakes went out. Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead. In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death. Alone: In bad company. If ever you should need my life, come and take it. Razors pain you. Rivers are damp. Acids stain you and drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; nooses give. Gas smells awful; you might as well live. When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like all the passengers in his car. If I had some ham, I could have some ham and eggs, if I had some eggs. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. On the other hand, you have different fingers. It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. I love cats ...they taste like chicken. Out of my mind, ...be back in five minutes. If you can't convince them, confuse them. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people. Take my advice, I don't use it anyway. The trick to flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss. Be alert - the world needs more lerts. The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them. You can lead a horse to water, but, a pencil must be lead. If you can't beat em', arrange to have them beaten. -e-i-e-i-o is actually a gross misspelling of the word "farm." George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. Friends: People who know you well, but like you anyway. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move dead bodies. Friends don't let friends drive naked. Friends -- the people who stab ya in the front. Sometimes people need what only friends can provide -- Absence. Friends who think they're perfect are very annoying to those of us who really are. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. Men know that if a woman had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she would probably save the infant's life, without even considering whether there were men on base. Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, "Danger: Government Health Warning: Women can be dangerous to your brains, current account, confidence, razor blades and good standing among your friends." On one issue at least, men and women agree; they both distrust women. It is silly for a woman to go to a male gynecologist. It is like going to an auto mechanic who has never even owned his own car. An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. I want a guy that's sensitive and caring, and that loves cats. Unfortunately, most guys like that are gay. If at first you don't succeed, then sky diving definitely isn't for you. If at first you don't succeed, then you didn't do it right! There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know. If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure. --Vice President Dan Quayle I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone. -- Bill Cosby Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made. -- Jean Giraudoux If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. To successfully keep robbers out of your house put six locks on your door. When you go out, lock every other one. No matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a stinkin' fool about it. If you are feeling unsuccessful just think about this: eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence. (A life sentence!) Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over the strings are attached. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Marriage is an institution. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters. Marriage is a thing, which puts a ring on a woman's finger...and two under the man's eyes. We have strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful. Marriage certificate is just another name for a work permit. Marriage is not just having a wife but also worries inherited forever. Marriage requires a man to prepare 5 types of "RINGS": a) The Engagement Ring b) The Wedding Ring c) The SuffeRing d) The EnduRing e) The TortuRing I never knew what real happiness was until I got married and by then, it was too late. The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing - and then they marry him. Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. Courtship - A man pursuing a woman until she catches him If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -- I don't like to interrupt her. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. A man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished. Marriage is the sole cause of divorce. A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke. An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way. Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo... Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity. Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced. Don't marry a tennis player. For love means nothing to them. No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. All marriages are happy - it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems. Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "OUT TO LUNCH - THINK IT OVER." DICTIONARY: The only place where divorce comes before marriage. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the wife listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the husband listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. I think, therefore I am single. Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die…… 640K ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates '81 Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I. Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster. There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. -- President and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 Never let a computer know you're in a hurry. No electrons were harmed in the creation of this message. THINK -- it gives you something to do while the computer is down. To err is human. To really screw things up you need a computer. Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons. -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949 But what ... is it good for? -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. With computers, every morning is the dawn of a new error. There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. "I'd rather regret the things I have done than the things I have not." --Lucille Ball Smoking kills, and if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. People have the right to be stupid, but some abuse that privilege. Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them. Pride of nationality depends not on ignorance of other nations, but on ignorance of one's own. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. Free advice is worth what you paid for it. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. Careful. We don't want to learn from this. -- Calvin Always remember, three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. The quickest way of ending a war is to lose it. To talk without thinking is to shoot without aiming. No problem is so big and complicated that it can't be run away from. Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it don't matter. Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness otherwise it's hard to tell if someone is inconspicuous. If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hands. If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for two weeks. The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are. When all is said and done, much more is said than done. There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can't. Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. No Jesus, no peace; know Jesus know peace. National Atheism Day: April 1st Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries. You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. Never judge a book by it's movie. If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point in writing. We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. Education is what you get from reading the fine print. Experience is what you get from not reading it. Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. There are two kinds of pedestrians--the quick and the dead. Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain. Don't be so humble, you're not that great. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away, and you have their shoes too. The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. |
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