Jokes From Yahoo Chatters - **All names in ( name ) are the chat room names** - Jokes - http://maxpages.com/timjokepage/Yahoo

If a dove is a bird of peace, then what is the bird of love?
A swallow! (a_always_horny_guy_from_syd)

Why did they bury the queer in a pink casket?
Because the fucking fagget was dead! (K2dal2daD)

What is the difference between parsley and pubic hair?
Nothing, push them aside and keep on eating! (zoomalonng)

What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip! (gentlemanXxX99)

Jesus walks into a bar with 3 nails and says can you put me up for the night? (soul_of_an_ancient)

What is the difference between a pizza and a Jew?
A pizza doesn't scream in the oven! (rubber_soul_1999)

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Little boy blue.
Little boy blue who?
Michael Jackson! (SEA_DOO_POWER_02)

How do you get 4 blondes on a bar stool?
Turn it over! (so_lucky_14)

A woman wakes up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She gets out of bed and searches the house. She thinks she hears a noise in the basement. After turning on the light, she discovers her husband curled up int the fetal position crying on the floor. She says, "What's wrong Honey?" To this her husband replies, "Do you remember when 20 years ago when i got you pregnant and your dad said i would have to marry you or go to prison?" She says, "Yes." He says, "Well today is the day I would have got out." (Time_traveller001)

What is brown and warm and often found in little kids pants?
Shit? No Michael Jackson's hand! (goonsss)

What does a constipated mathematician do?
Work it out with a pencil! (dqLinebacker40)

Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares? What was the bitch doing out of the kitchen? (scottish_punk)

Why are cowgirls bow-legged?
Their boyfriends eat with their hats on! (CHEERLEADER_FOR_LIFE1984)

What is the best thing about a blow job?
Ten minutes of silence! (CHEERLEADER_FOR_LIFE1984)

Top reasons why it sucks to be a dick...
Your master beats you!
You are bald!
You have one eye!
You hang around with two nuts! (Pixy_333)

What is the useless piece of skin on the tip of a penis for?
A man! (turbanhater)

What is the difference between Bill Clinton and a screw driver?
A screwdriver screws in screws, Bill Clinton screws interns! (CHEERLEADER_FOR_LIFE1984)

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this a joke?" (death_to_mingh)

What is the difference between a lady in a church and a lady in a bath tub?
The lady in church has hope in her soul, the lady in the tub has soap in her hole! (Cid_Highwind_976)

What do you call chips that are not your chips?
Nacho chips! (mr_bojangles_and_rocky_balboa)

Your momma is so fat not even God can lift her spirit! (temptation_boy)

How do you get an elephant through Safeway?
Take the s out of safe and the f out of way.
There is no f in way! (mr_bojangles_and_rocky_balboa)

How can you tell a blonde has be using E-Mail?
There is envelopes jammed in the A-Drive! (Coach600)

You are so stupid you sat on the TV and watched the couch! (angiesch20)

You are so ugly your dad had to tie a dog toy around your neck to get the dog to play with you! (angiesch20)

What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
A 20 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone! (sct423)

What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A blowjob with handlebars! (KeL3799)

What do you call a blonde that doesn't swallow?
I will let you know as soon as I find one! (MrChat69)

What is the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
A washing machine wont follow you around for a week after you drop a load in it! (MuTheSacredChao)

What do a screen door and a blonde have in common?
The more you bang them the looser they get! (KeL3799)

How does a real man know when his girlfriend has an orgasm?
Real men don't care! (MadMax_099)

What is tatooed on a black man's lip?
Inflate to 40 lbs. psi! (justin_1880_)

What do you call a black man on a bike?
A thief!
What do you call two black men on a bike?
Organized crime! (MadMax_099)

A man wants to buy a rooster and a donkey. He goes into town up to a man and asks him if he would sell him a rooster and a donkey. The guy says, "Sir, around here we call roosters 'cocks' and donkeys 'asses'." Then the man says, "If the donkey stops walking then scratch it to get it going again, but don't let the rooster go or it will fly away."
So the guy is heading down the road and the donkey stops. He can't let go of the rooster to scratch the donkey so he calls a blonde over who is walking down the other side of the road. He then says, "Mam, would you hold my cock while I scratch my ass?" (Redhulk_15_99)

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering they toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer)

(Keep going)

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

***Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling***

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen either. (cooldude_16_98)

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage son in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! (cooldude_16_98)

There's this guy who needed to get horny so he went to
a doctor and the doctor told him to take these horny pills and come back in a week, so he did and when he came back the doctor so did it work,nope he said so the doctor gave him somemore horny pills,and then he came back the next week,and the doctor asked did it work? Nope he said,so he said this is the last time i'm giving you somemore. So he
didn't come back for 4 weeks,and the doctor was getting a little worried so he went to his house and found his little boy crying on his porch and he said whats the matter? And the little boy said well my mom is dead, my sister is in the hospital,my ass hurts,and my dad is crawling on the floor saying here kitty kitty. (tupac_rules_99)

A rabbi and a priest both buy brand new sportscars. The priest baptizes his car with holy water to show off to the rabbi. The rabbi thinks and says I'll do one better and he cuts one inch off the exhaust pipe! (gaffajames)

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. She usually slept through the class. One day the teacher the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, Little Johnny, an altruistic boy boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good." and Mary fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" (Quicksilver7th)

How do you make a woman mad after sex?
Wipe your dick on the curtains! (satans_girlone)

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "Ok, old fart, time to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, you can't handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have to two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I'm taking over." The old rooster says, "I'll tell you what young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs, "You don't have a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start." They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already five inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer meanwhile is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters run by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!! the young rooster is blown to bits. The farmer slowly shakes his head and says, "Dammit, that is the third gay rooster I have bough this month." (Quicksilver7th)

Why is there only two people at a black man's funeral?
It only takes two people to throw out the trash! (CRAZY_LLHAMA)

What is the difference between Snowmen and Snowwomen?
Snowballs! (blowjob_queen_55)

These two little kids were in church, they hated church. The pastor always yelled at them for fooling around during the service. So the kids decided to get back at him. One day after church the two kids were playing and they saw a big rat in the church yards so they killed it. They took the rat and tied its tail to a rope. They took the rat up to the pulpit and swung it over a rafter visible only standing at the pulpit and looking up. So the next Sunday the two kids were sitting quietly in their pews. While the priest was giving a heated sermon. He was preaching fire & brimstone and repentance. Then he looked up, and at the same time he said" And Jesus looked to God and said "HOLY SHIT WHAT A RAT!" (flypezero)

Who makes more money, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A Prostitute, she can wash her crack and sell it again! (jerseymike15)

What's stupider than a cowboy who builds his house underwater?
An indian who tries to burn it down! (Stupid_Munky)

What happened when the blonde tried to blow up the car?
She burnt her lips on the tailpipe! (jerseymike15)

Timothy Hall

hatrick13@mailcity.com

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Page Updated Fri Apr 27, 2001 4:17am EDT