Plain Old Jokes - **Jokes that don't go anywhere else on my page** - Jokes - http://maxpages.com/timjokepage/Plain_Old

What do you do when you come across an elephant?
Wipe it off and apologize!

A guy has a horny parrot. It's terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to
tea and the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet. The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine." The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for?" Finally, the guy says "All right" and hands over the fifteen dollars. The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain. Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" The cage starts shaking and feathers come flying out. The vet says, "Holy gee," and runs across the room and opens the curtain. The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage with one claw. With the other claw he's pulling out all her feathers. He's saying, "For fifteen bucks, I want you naked, bitch. Naked!"
(Jokeaday.com)

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!" Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!" About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says ... "Broccoli. 49 cents a pound." (Jokeaday.com)

Why sex is like a roller coaster:
It goes like this - You get on with your partner. There is anxious anticipation as you start. You start slowly, climbing your way to the top.There are smiles exchanged, and giggles, maybe even caressing or hand holding. The excitement builds and builds. It nears the top. The expressions on faces become wondrous and excited. Then as it hits the pinnacle, things move very fast. There's a quick motion, the heart races with complete excitement; faces are all in total pleasure. Arms are flailing, heads are bouncing, and there is some noticeable screaming going on. The rest of the ride is up and down, twisting and turning, lots of bumping, sometimes in the light, sometimes in the dark, sometimes there's a surprise, and sometimes it becomes all too familiar but always........... always........ at the end, there's a big smile on the face, hair is all messed up............ and everyone is talking about how great it is while some of them say, "I wanna go again"! (Jokeaday.com)

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose." (Jokeaday.com)

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Anything, but it won't come to you! (Jokes.com)

I am as confused as a baby in a topless bar! (Jokes4u.com)

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery."How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife coldly, "You ARE planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?" (Jokeaday.com)

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce." "Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake." "Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said. "You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's why I want the divorce," he replied. (Jokeaday.com)

This guy asks his friend, "If they were to drop a bomb right now what would be the first thing you would do?" Second guy says, "I would screw the first thing that moved, what would you do?" The first guy says, "I would stand very still for half an hour." (Jokes.com)

Molly, age 9, and Sammy, age 10, are sitting on the front porch swing. Sammy says to Molly, "Screw you, Molly." A minute goes by and Molly replies, "Screw YOU, Sammy." A moment or two and Sammy says, "Screw YOU, Molly." In response, "Screw *YOU*, Sammy," Molly says. After about ten minutes of this, Molly's mom comes out on the porch and says, "What on earth are you kids doing?" They reply in unison, "We're having oral sex!" (Jokeaday.com)

Judi decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain. Judi: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static." Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" Judi: "It's called 'Head Cleaner'." (Jokeaday.com)

While I was shopping in the mall with my three children, a display in the window of a lingerie store caught my eye. "Do you think Daddy would like this?" I asked the kids, as I pointed to a lacy teddy with matching robe. "No way," my horrified six-year-old son replied. "Daddy would NEVER wear THAT!" (Jokeaday.com)

There's this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor. I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, polite, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the parrot by the throat,shakes him really hard, and yells, 'QUIT IT!'. This just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says 'OK for you' and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches. When the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes and uses words Lenny Bruce and George Carlin NEVER thought about trying to use in their acts. Then suddenly, it gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt or deeply chilled. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says,'Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.' The man is astonished. He can't understand the transformation that has taken place. Then the parrot says, 'By the way, what did the chicken do?' (Jokes.com)

Timothy Hall

hatrick13@mailcity.com

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Page Updated Thu Apr 12, 2001 6:31am EDT