Long Polish Jokes - Jokes - http://maxpages.com/timjokepage/Long_Polish

A Polish guy wins a brand new sports car in a contest. He
drives around all the time waving at the rednecks. One day the rednecks stop him, they draw a circle in the dirt and say "If you step out of that circle, we will kick your ass." They pick up hammers and start busting up his new car. They look back and the is smiling. They hit the car some more, and he is laughing. They walk over to him and the leader pulls out a gun and shoots all the tires. The Polish guys face is turning red from laughing so hard. The leader turns around and asks "Why are you laughing, we just busted up your car." The Polish guy says "I know, but I stepped out of the circle 9 times."

Did you hear about the terrible automobile accident last night? A Polish family on vacation lost all of their children. The pickup truck they were riding in ran off the road into a lake and sank to the bottom. The parents got out of the cab alive but all the kids in the back drowned... they couldn't get the tailgate open.

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Polak, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?" The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Polak, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!" says the Polak, and he stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch. "What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I'll take the Polak!"

This Polak came home one day from work, hung up his coat, took off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting "honey I am home!" What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife. Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his shotgun and put it to his head. His wife started laughing.
"Don't laugh!" he screams. "You're next!"

A Polak went to a carpenter and said, "Can you build me a box that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?" "Hmm..." mused the carpenter. "It could be done, I suppose, but what would you want a box like that for?" "Well, you see," said the Polak, "my neighbor moved away and forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose."

A Polak wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the Polak to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The Polak understood and was ready.
The time came to have the Polak jump from the air plane. The
instructor reminded the Polak that he would be right behind him. The Polak proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the Polak. The Polak seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"

A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown
paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?" The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag. His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one." The man says, "I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."

Two Polish truck drivers are barreling along when they come up to an overpass. A sign says, "Clearance: 11"2'." So they get out, measure their truck, and realize that it's 11"6'. So the first Polak looks at the second Polak and says, "I don't see any cops around....let's go for it!"

A group of Italians (or whatever) and a group of Poles heard that the telephone company was looking for people so they went and applied. The telephone company decided to give them a test before hiring anyone so they sent the teams out to install telephone poles. At the end of the day they reported back on how they had done. The Italian team had installed 10 telephone poles and the Polish team one. the Italians were hired but the Polish team protested that the Italians had cheated because the Italians left most of the poles sticking out of the ground.

A Polak was jumped by two muggers and fought like hell, but
was finally subdued. His attackers then proceeded to go through his pockets. "You mean you fought like that for 57 cents?" asked one of the muggers incredulously. "Is that all you wanted?" moaned the Pole. "I thought you were after the $400 in my shoe!"

An Italian, an American, and a Polak were captured by the
French for various crimes and are taken to the Guillotine. The executioner places the Italian on the block and asks if he has any last words. The Italian replies, "I pray to the Virgin Mary that I may live." They drop the blade it it stops a mere inch above the Italian's neck. Amazed, the French let him go. Next, the American is put in position and asked if he has any final words. He replies, "In the name of Jesus Christ, please have mercy." They drop the blade, and again it stops just an inch from the American's neck. In disbelief, they let him go free. Then the Polak is placed on the block, and they ask if he has any last words. He says, "Yeah. You've got a knot in your rope."

A Polak is hired to paint the lines on the road. On the first day he paints ten miles, and his employers are amazed. But, the second day he painted just five, and on only the third day, he painted only a mile of the road. Disappointed his boss asks what the problem was. The Polak replies, "Well sir, every day I have to walk farther and farther to get back to the paint bucket."

A Polak is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day." So the Polak takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?", the Polak asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day", the Polak tells himself. So, the next morning the Polak gets up
at 4 in the morning and cuts, and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and he only manages to cut five cords. The Polak is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer", the Polak says to himself. The very next day the Polak brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the Polak's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Huh, it looks fine." Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the Polak responds, "What's that noise?"

Two Polish hunters were out looking for pheasant when they
came upon the local farmer's daughter, sitting naked on a fence,sunning herself.
The first hunter asked, "Are you game?"
She replied, "I sure am, Honey!"
The second hunter shot her.

A Polish and an Italian are hunting in the woods. Suddenly a
naked woman appears. The Italian says,"Boy, I could eat her!" The Polish guy shot her.

A 12-year-old boy comes up to the Polak and says, "I was
looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw your wife giving you a blow job. Nyah, nyah, nyah."
The Polak laughs and answers, "The joke's on you, Johnny. Nyah, nyah, nyah--I wasn't even home last night."

Two Polaks are riding across Europe on a 727, a 3-engined
plane, when the pilot announces, "Folks, we just had one engine go out, but don't worry, this plane can fly just fine on two engines, but we're going to be about 1 hour late getting into Warsaw." An hour later, the pilot gets on the intercom again, "Folks, don't get alarmed, but a second engine just went out, but please don't worry. This plane is designed to fly safely on one engine, but now we'll be about 2 hours late getting into Warsaw." After that announcement, one Polak looks at the other and says, "Well, I sure hope that third engine doesn't go out. We'll be up
here all night."

In America, they say, "It's 10:00 - Do you know where your children are?"
In England, they say, "It's 10:00 - Do you know where your wife is?"
In France, they say, "It's 10:00 - Do you know where your husband is?"
In Poland, they say, "It's 10:00 - Do you know what time it is?"

Timothy Hall

hatrick13@mailcity.com

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Page Updated Fri Apr 27, 2001 4:12am EDT