Idiot Stories by TwistedHumor.com - **All of these stories were received from Twisted Humor.com unless noted.** - Jokes - http://maxpages.com/timjokepage/Idiot

April 2001

Legendary Chicago guitarist Terry Kath died a week before his 32nd birthday in front of his wife and friends in a one-man shootout. An avid collector of guns, he had brought several of his metal friends to a party along with his wife. After the party broke up, he began to play with his guns. First he spun his .38 revolver on his finger, brought it to his temple, and pulled the trigger. Click! He knew the gun was not loaded. Then he picked up a 9-mm automatic pistol. The host of the party asked him to stop, and as Terry pulled the clip from the weapon, he reassured him, "Don't worry, it's not loaded." Then Terry raised the pistol and put a bullet through his head. This popular musician and long-time gun enthusiast forgot that an automatic automatically chambers a bullet, so removing the clip does not disarm the weapon. He death was classified an inadvertent suicide.

A 24-year-old supermarket shoplifter stuffed a pair of live lobsters in his pants and sprinted for the door, but he never had a chance. The violated crustaceans brought the thief to his knees in front of startled cashiers when they fastened their powerful claws around his delicate parts. Doctors were able to remove the animals with pliers. They say the thief will fully recover -- except for one small detail. "It was a do-it-yourself vasectomy." The supermarket manager declined to press charges, saying the culprit has already "gone through enough pain (to) learn his lesson."

Some people make mistakes, some people have a mishap, and then some people are just complete idiots. A man by the name of John Mercantile had a chance to either take his vacation to Hawaii or to Toronto, and he decided to go to Hawaii. Hawaii sounds like the obvious choice, right? Wrong!!! While in Hawaii Mr. Mercantile was robbed, beaten, and almost killed, and not to mention he did not meet one single female. If he would have gone to Toronto he would have stayed in the hotel that was filming the movie "Titanic." Also, the person who stayed in the hotel room that he would have stayed in won the "Look Under Your Bed Covers To see If You Have The Million Dollar Golden Ticket" lottery game. And by the way, the hotel was holding the "I'm Young, Rich, and Single" fiesta where he surely would have met a female companion.

Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.

A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for life when he tried to get a suntan. After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctor's paging devices, the thief spotted a vertical sunbed. He walked into the unit and removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan. However, the high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is renowned for its treatment of burns victims, has a maximum dosage of 10seconds. After lying on the bed for almost 300 times the recommended maximum time, the man was covered in blisters. Hours later, when the pain of the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital, 20 miles away, in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he was wearing a doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they called the police. Southampton police said: "This man broke into Odstock and decided he fancied a quick suntan. Doctors say he is going to be scarred for life.

(My sister sent me this story in an e-mail) This actually is true! It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it on the Tonight Show. This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up onstage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes.........Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding. After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, Fuck you! He turned to his bride and said, Fuck you! and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, I'm out of here. He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway, as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests for a wedding and reception. Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends and their entire families. This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might see one of those MasterCard Priceless commercials out of this? Huh?
Elegant wedding for 300 family and guests.... $32,000
Photographers for the wedding .... $3,000
Deluxe Honeymoon accommodations in Maui for 2 weeks.... $8,500
The look on everyone's faces after seeing a photo of the Bride and Best Man having sex ............ Priceless!

Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.

March 2001

Happy New Year! On January 7th of this year, a woman was on a safari tour in Tanzania. See, apparently she was a volunteer for the Peace Corps and had decided to see a bit of the animal life in its natural habitat. Well, someone should have told her that 'natural habitat' does not include people wanting a better picture. Seems like she wanted a good snapshot of an elephant during a tour of Ruaha National Park, and proceeded to get out of the tour bus and approach the beast for a close up. Well, Simba didn't like that, and charged the woman, trampling both her and her camera to death. The elephant was then seen marking another notch on the trunk of a large tree with its tusk, and waiting for the next tour bus.

Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith &Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes and an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO! The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was determined by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 miles per hour and continuing full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20) seconds before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police."It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said."It's one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected."

A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas]." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

Timothy Hall

hatrick13@mailcity.com

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Page Updated Fri Apr 27, 2001 4:05am EDT