Edward's Joke Page - **Some of these jokes may be repeats, all came from one guy who E-mailed them to me** - Jokes - http://maxpages.com/timjokepage/Edwards

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't they're born that way!

Q: Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said "concentrate"!

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Very Gifted!

Q : How can you tell a blonde has been using your computer?
A : There is white-out all over the computer screen!

Q: Why don't blondes have elavator jobs?
A: They don't know the route!

Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone!

Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?
A: Blow in her ear!

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday!

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought!

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run...she's got a hand grenade in her mouth!

Q: Why did the blonde climb over the chain link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side!

Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house!

Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade!

Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's!

Q : What goes "vroom - screech | vroom-screech | vroom-screech"?
A : A blonde at a blinking red light.

Q: What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair brunette?
A: Artificial intellegence

Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe!

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
A: It took her 2 weeks to figure out that you could play it at night!

Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold!

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the # 11???
A: She didn't know which 1 came first!

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the fish?
A: She tried to drown it!

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff!

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it!

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture!

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads!

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees!

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations!

Q: What do you get when you put 20 blonde's ear to ear?
A: A WIND TUNNEL!

Q: How do you drown a dumb blonde?
A: Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool!

Q: How did the blonde wreck the hellicopter?
A: She got cold and turned off the fan.

Q: What do you call a blonde behind the steering wheel?
A: An airbag.

Q: What was the blonde doing up in the tree?
A: She was raking leaves.

Q: How can you tell a blonde has been in the bathroom?
A: There is make-up all over the mirror

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: You pick it up, pull the pin, and throw it back!!!

Q: Why can't blondes make kool-aid?
A: They don't understand how to get the 2 quarts of water into the little package.

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, & Newt Gingrich were on the Titanic, when they heard that it was sinking, Newt said to Bill & Al, "Let's save the women & children!!" IN reply, Al gore said, "Screw the women & children!!" Bill Clinton then replied, "Do we have time??"

Clinton was standing in his office and asked Monica if she wanted to come in and see his clock? She said ok and walked in and saw Clinton standing there with his pants down,she said why Bill that isn't a clock, he said it will be as soon as i have two hands and a face on it.

Two new young interns are hired in the White House. They are walking down the hall when President Clinton sees them. The President walks up and says, "Gee, I've never come across your faces before."

Q: Did you hear there's a new game they're playing at The White House?
A: It's called "swallow the leader ."

Q: Why did Clinton flunk spelling?
A: He thought "harass" was two words.

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Q: What is Clinton's favorite toy?
A: An Erector Set

Q: What is Clinton's favorite card game?
A: Poker

Q: What's Bill Clinton's favorite brand of potato chips?
A: Lays

Q: What is Clinton's favorite T.V. Show?
A: Leave it to Beaver

Q: Why would Clinton make a great rowing instructor?
A: Because he is so good at say, Stroke, Stroke, Stroke.

Q: If you had Clinton, Gore, and Dolly Parton on stage together, what would you have?
A: Two boobs and a great country singer.

------
Things that you didn't hear unless you listened between the lines in Clinton's speach regarding the Monica Lewinsky scandal:

"I take full responsibility for my actions, but I blame Ken Starr."

"This is a matter between my wife, my daughter, Miss Lewinski, Gennifer Flowers, Dolly Kyle Browning, Elizabeth Ward Gracen, the Arkansas hooker who's raising my illegitimate son in Austalia, Paula Jones, Kathleen Willey
and my God."

"President's have private lives, too. That includes shagging interns on the Great Seal in the Oval Office."

This investigation has "gone on too long, cost too much, and hurt too many innocent people, which is why I'm glad that James Carville is on my side."

"It's time to stop prying into private lives, and anyone that continues to do so will have their FBI records released to the public."

"Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I am not a crook."
-----

A little boy walked up to his dad one day and asked, "Dad, what is politics?" The dad pondered the question for a moment and then replied, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." And so the little boy went off to bed thinking about what his Dad had told him. Later that night, the little boy heard his baby brother crying and got up to check on him. He found that the baby had severely soiled his diaper. He went to his parents room only to find his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her he went to the Nanny's room. He found the door locked. He peeked into the keyhole only to find his father in bed with the Nanny. Finally, the little boy decided to give up and go back to bed. The next morning the little boy looked up at his father from the breakfast table and said, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father replied "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is about." The little boy replied, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, The government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Dung.

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along acountry road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. "What happened to you", asked Bill. "Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them", asks Clinton. The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig."

Saddam Hussein called President Clinton and said, "Bill, I called you because I had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of America, and it was beautiful and on top of every building, there was a flag." Clinton asked, "Saddam, what was on the flag?" Saddam responded, "It said Allah is God, God is Allah." Clinton said, "You know, Saddam, I'm really glad you called, because last night I had a dream too. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was even more beautiful than before the war. It had been completely rebuilt, and on every building there was a flag." Saddam said, "Bill, what was on the flag?" Clinton replied, "I really don't know, Saddam... I don't read Hebrew."

Former Vice President Dan Quayle, Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich and President Bill Clinton are traveling by car together in the Midwest when a tornado comes along suddenly, whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they finally crawl out from under their car, they realize that they're in the Land of Oz, so they decide to go to see the Wizard. When they finally confront the Wizard, Dan Quayle steps forward first and says, "I would very much like you to give me a brain." Newt Gingrich steps forward next and says, "I would very much like you to give me a heart." President Clinton glances left and right, then ask, "Where's Dorothy?"

One day Clinton is going to give a speech at an Elementary School. He asks the teacher what the children are studying and she replies that they are learning about Greek tragedies. So the President decides to talk about tragedies. He asks a student, "What would you consider to be a tragedy?" The kid thinks for awhile and then says, "If a boy is running after a ball into a street and gets run over by a car and dies." Clinton responds, "No, I don't think that's a tragedy... that's an accident." Then Clinton asks another kid to give an example of a tragedy. The kid says, "If a bus full of kids drives over a cliff and they all die." This time Clinton says, "I don't think that's a tragedy... I think that's a great loss." So again Clinton asks another kid to give an example of a tragedy. The kid responds, "If you, Hillary, and Al Gore are on Air Force One and it crashes." "Right!" says Clinton to the kid. "That would be a tragedy... how did you ever know that?" Quickly, the kid replies, "Because I know it's not an accident and I know it's not a great loss."

One Sunday morning Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the biggest hunk at Stanford. He lives in Palo Alto and his name is Dennis." After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Dennis is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him." Chelsea was heart-broken. After eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June." Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half- brother too, honey. I'm awfully sorry about this." Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother." Hillary just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

Q: Did you hear about that new car that's dedicated to President Clinton?
A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter.

Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?
A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President.

Q: Bill, Hillary, and Al are in a boat. The boat sinks. Who is saved?
A: The United States of America.

President Clinton had been walking around the White House and going to meetings all day with a pair of pink ladies' panties on his arm. Reporters and staff observed this phenomenon and of course wondered what he was doing. At an afternoon press conference Sam Donaldson got brave enough to ask him why he had a pair of ladies' panties on his arm. The President replied, "It's the patch; I'm trying to quit."

A Rabbi, a Hindu and President Clinton were traveling late at night. There was no motel in sight and they were all very tired. They spotted a farmhouse in the distance, so they decided to stop. They knocked on the door. A farmer answered. "Please forgive us for disturbing you so late at night. Could we possibly stay here this evening? There is no inn for miles around," they all said. "Sure," said the farmer, "except that I have only two spare cots. One of you will have to sleep in the barn with the cow and the pig." So the Rabbi volunteered to sleep in the barn. Five minutes later there was a knock on the farmhouse door. It was the Rabbi. "I'm sorry," he said. "It's forbidden in my faith to eat the meat of a pig. I find it abhorrent to share sleeping quarters with one, as well. Will one of you change places with me?" So the Hindu volunteered to sleep in the barn. Another five minutes later, there is another knock on the farmhouse door. This time, it was the Hindu. Forgive me," he said. "Cows are sacred in my faith, and I find it uncomfortable to sleep in the same space with one." "All right," reluctantly volunteered the President. "I'll go sleep in the barn." Two minutes later, there was yet another knock on the farmhouse door. It was the cow and the pig.

Three people were sitting around a table bragging that they were the best at their specialty. The conversation is overheard by another person sitting at the bar. One of the three says, "I am Sleeping Beauty and I am the prettiest woman in the world." The second says "I am Thom Thumb and I am the smallest person in the world." The third says "Well, I am Don Juan and I am the most experienced with women in the world." About this time, the person at the bar chimes in and asks the trio who has authenticated their claims. Upon reflection, the three agree that they need someone to back up their claims so they will not seem like boastful brags. They decide to visit an all-seeing wizard. Sleeping Beauty enters first. After about two minutes she emerges declaring that she indeed is the most beautiful woman in the world. So, then in goes Thom Thumb. After a few minutes he emerges declaring that he is indeed the smallest person in the world. Finally, in goes Don Juan. After a couple hours, he emerges muttering "So who the heck is Bill Clinton?"

Last week President Clinton celebrated his 52nd birthday, which co-incidentally is the same number of cards in a pack of playing cards. Which is ironic because many don't believe that Bill Clinton is playing with a full deck. On the other hand, he's definitely the biggest joker to occupy
the Oval Office in years.

Clinton recently visited Saddam Hussein to talk about weapon inspections in Iraq. As they sat down, he saw three buttons in the armrest of Saddam's chair. Clinton asked, "Why are there three buttons in your armrest?" "You'll see," replied Saddam. They started the talks but, after about ten minutes, Saddam pressed the first button, and a large boxing glove whacked Clinton right in the face. Clinton grabbed his nose in pain while Saddam was laughing himself silly. Clinton decided to remain calm because he didn't want this to affect the talks. After about another ten minutes, Saddam pressed the second button, and another boxing glove punched Clinton right in the stomach. While Clinton was gasping for air, Saddam fell out of his chair laughing. Clinton was obviously annoyed, but still he decided to remain outwardly calm. They resumed talking again but, after about another five minutes, Saddam pressed the final button, and from under the table yet another boxing glove hit Clinton, this time right in the groin. Clinton was really fed up at that point, and stood up to leave. "We'll continue these talks next week in the White House," the President said as he stormed out of the palace. Saddam, still choking from laughing, was too proud to say no, so the appointment stood as scheduled for the next week. So, a week later, Clinton received Saddam in the Oval Office and, as Saddam sat down, he saw three buttons in the armrest of Clinton's chair. As the meeting went on, Saddam watched as Clinton pressed the first button, so he ducked real fast, but nothing seemed to happen. This didn't stop Clinton from laughing... and really loudly, too. After that, Clinton continued where he left off, until he pressed another button. Saddam again reacted really quickly, and jumps up out of his chair this time. Again, absolutely nothing happened, and this time Clinton actually fell out of his chair laughing. Saddam didn't get it.. what the heck was going on? But, since he hadn't been harmed yet, he sits back down again to talk further. After a few more minutes, Clinton pressed the final button. This time, Saddam stayed in his seat, but Clinton didn't. He was rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughing. Saddam was really annoyed by that point, so he stood up from his hair and shouted, "I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Baghdad." Clinton rolled over on the floor, still roaring with laughter, and with tears streaming down his face said, "Baghdad? What Baghdad?"

Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two -- one to screw in the bulb while the other tells us everything possible is being done to help the situation.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
A: They know how many went down on the Titanic.

In a survey of American women, when asked, Would you sleep with President Clinton, 86% replied, Not again.

Q: What will Bill Clinton be known as when he leaves the White House?
A: The President after Bush

Clinton dies 10 minutes before Pope J.-P. II dies. Clinton is sent to heaven. When the Pope dies, he is sent to hell. When the Pope arrives in hell he calls up St-Pierre and says to him, "Hey..I'm the Pope, I should be in heaven, not in hell." St-Pierre says, "Come right up, I made a mistake, I'm sending Clinton down to where he should be." Half way up the Pope meets Clinton (who was on his way down to hell), "OH! Mr. President." the Pope says to Clinton, "I cannot wait to meet the Virgin Mary." "Too late," replied Clinton.

Yo' Mama's So Fat.....

when she wears high heels, she strikes oil!
she makes Hong Kong look like a baby chimp
she showers at a car wash
she's on both sides of the family!
when she goes to the beach, she's the only one who gets a tan
she uses a hula hoop as a pinkie ring
her picture wieghs 10 pounds!
when she dances the band skips
when she wears a red dress, everyone yells, "Hey Kool-Aid!"
her clothes have stretch marks
her nickname is "eclipse"!
she got her own atmosphere
when she sits around the house, she REALLY sits around the house

Yo' Mama's so Ugly.........

yo' father put the bathroom mirror inside the medicine cabinet
her pillows cry at night
her own shadow is afraid of her
even her Rice Krispies won't talk to her
when she was a child, she had to "trick or treat" over the telephone
she could make k.d. lang go straight
she's a living example of why some animals eat their young
farmers pay top dollar for her to stand in the fields and scare the crows away

Yo' Mama's so Short.........

she looks up to EVERYONE
she could bungee jump off my shoelaces
she tried to commit suicide by jumping off a curb
she goes swimming in a bottle cap
she scuba dives in the fish bowl
she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime
she takes an elevator to get up to bed
she could handglide on a dorito chip
you can see her feet on her driver's license picture.
she could ride on the back of a roach, and her legs would still dangle

Yo' Mama's so Poor...

Timothy Hall

hatrick13@mailcity.com

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Page Updated Fri Apr 27, 2001 4:18am EDT