Dirty Jokes - **Some of the material on this page may be unsuitable for young viewers** - Jokes - http://maxpages.com/timjokepage/Dirty

A little kid walks in on his parents having sex. He says, "What are yall doing?"
His mom says, "Well I was just letting the air out of your dad, he is to fat."
The kid says,"Why the lady next door is just going to blow him up again!"

What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

There was a guy who got in an elevator with very large man. The large man said, "I'm 7 feet 3 inches, 350 pounds, with a 20 inch penis, a right nut of 3 pounds and a left nut of 3 pounds. Turner Brown."
All the sudden the little guy fainted. When he was awake again he asked "What did you say?"
The guy repeated, "7-3, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, right nut 3 pounds, left nut 3 pounds. Turner Brown."
"Oh," said the little guy, "I thought you said turn around!"

A man and his wife have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but realize certain protocols must be observed. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts. "The new man is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower and is soon standing watch. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no fucking!" They yell back, "We're not fucking!" A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no fucking!" Again they yell back, "We're not fucking!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no fucking!" They yell back, "We're not fucking!!" Finally the shift is over so the second man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. He's not even halfway up before the wife and second man are screwing each other's brains out. The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're fucking."

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."
The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the last ten minutes!"

What's the difference between condoms and coffins?
They both hold something stiff but one's coming and one's going!

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said. No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on." On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Fuck me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head. "Who are you?" the man asked. "Hello," said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

There are three dogs all in the pound. The first dog turns to the second dog and asks, "What are you in for?"
The dog replies, "Well my master said that if I keep chewing up the newspaper he will put me to sleep. I kept chewing them and today I'm getting put to sleep."
The other dogs start to comfort him. The second dog turns to the third dog and asks him the same question. The dog saddly replies, "Well my master said that if I kept drinking out of the toilet I would get put to sleep. And here I am about to get put to sleep." The other dogs start to comfort him too.
Then the second and third dog turn to the first dog and ask him. The dog says, "When my master got out of the shower her towel fell off of her, and when she bent over I just couldn't help myself and started to fuck her up the ass."
The dogs were like, "Oh, we understand why your getting put to sleep."
The first dog turns around and says, "I'm not here to get put to sleep, I'm here to get my nails trimmed!!!!!!

A woman walks into a tatoo parlor and asks for two tatoos. The first tatoo she requests is that of a turkey on the inside of her left thigh and the second is that of a Christmas tree on the inside of her right thigh. The man agrees to do the tatoos but is curious, that of all the tatoos he could do, "why," he asks, "do a turkey and a Christmas tree?" The women replys, "My husband is always complaining that there is never anything to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

Pete and Ralph are gay lovers who like to have sex in the shower. One day, while having their "fun" in Pete's Shower, the phone rings. Pete, in the bent over postion, says to Ralph, "I'm expecting a phone call, sorry, but I have to go get that and while I'm gone, DON"T cum." Pete runs and gets the phone call and comes back to the shower where he sees Ralph waiting, with cum all over the walls. A little pissed Pete yells at Ralph, " I thought I told you not to cum?" "I didn't Pete," Ralph explains. I Farted!"

A married couple on the farm are visited by an alien couple. The alien couple asked the human couple if they would like to swap partners for sex. They agree, the human woman and alien man are together. She says "You have a small penis!" The alien man replies,"pull my ears!" So she pulls his ears and his penis becomes larger. She is astonished and has the best sex of her life. When the human couple come back together, she asked him how was it. He replies, "It was great, but my ears hurt."

A cowboy had been caught by some Indians and was about to be executed when they asked him for any last request. So he walked over to his horse and whispered something in its ear. The horse took off madly over the hills and then came right back with a beautiful naked blonde on its back. The cowboy took the blonde to a teepee and had sex. Then he came back out and requested another talk with his horse. The Indians, amazed, agreed again. So the cowboy walked over to the horse and whispered in his ear again. The horse took off and then came back with a beatiful naked redhead. He takes her into another teepee and has sex with her. He comes out and once more asked to talk to his horse. The Indians once more agreed. So he walked over to the horse and whispered something else into its ear. The horse took off and then came right back with a beautiful naked brunette on its back. The cowboy took the brunette to a teepee and had sex. Then he came back out and requested another talk with his horse. The Indians, totally amazed by this point, agreed again. So the cowboy walks over to the horse and says, "I'm only going to do this once more, now read my lips, 'posse'"!

This useful tool is commonly found in the range of 8 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some of from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emmanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. Ah yes, such are the characteristics of one's toothbrush!

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!" Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, "It's a lot of money!" The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets. "The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The old lady said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president said, "What wrong with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank president's balls in my hand!"

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer." So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, "Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?" He said, "Why yes I am!", so they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered,"Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T." The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars." "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says,"The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

A man and a woman are married. One day the husband, thinking he's being funny, grabs his wife's boobs as she's getting into the shower and says to her, "You know, if these were firm, you wouldn't need a bra!" and the wife is really angry; it was a rude thing to say. The next day, as she's getting out of the shower, he grabs her ass and he says, "You know, if this was firm, you wouldn't need a girdle!" Now the wife is really pissed and she's plotting her revenge. So the next day, as her husband is getting out of the shower, she grabs his dick and says, "You know, if this was firm I wouldn't need your brother!"

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices and asks the priest if he'd like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest answers no. He baits the hook and says, "Give it a shot, Father." After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, look at that big sonofabitch!" The Priest says, "Uh, sir, can you please mind your language?" The Fisherman thinking quickly replies, "I'm sorry, Father, but that's what the fish is called: -- a sonofabitch." And the Priest says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I did not know." After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and stops the Bishop. The Priest says to the Biishop,"Look at this big sonofabitch!" To this the Bishop says,"Please, mind your language, this is a house of God." The Priest retorts quickly, "No, you don't understand! That's what the fish is called and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!" The Bishop nods and thinks aloud, "Hmmm, you know I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish, cleans it and takes it to the Head Mother. The Bishop says to the Head Mother, "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?" The Head Mother scoffs, "My lord, what langauge!" The Bishop replies, "No, Sister, that's what this fish is called, asonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we want you to cook it." To this the Head Mother agrees and says, "Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight." That night the Pope stops by for dinner. He thinks the fish is great and asks where they got it. The Priest says, "I caught the sonofabitch." The Bishop follows, "And I cleaned the sonofabitch." And the Head Mother says,"And I cooked the sonofabitch." The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, takes off his hat, leans back in his chair, puts his feet up on the table and says, "You know, you fuckers are alright!"

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research and a cost in excess of $250 000, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the German study were released, Canada decided to conduct their own study. The Canucks didn't really trust the British or German studies. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of around $75, the Canadian study was complete, and came to the conclusion that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

There was a little boy walking one day and he walked by this house. On the front porch of the house was an old man. The man says to the boy, "Where are you going with that chicken wire?" The boy says, "To catch chickens!" The man says, "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" After a couple of hours the boy returns with a dozen chickens on the wire. The man was amazed and the asked the boy for his secret. He did not reveal it. The next day, the same boy walked by the same man but now with duct tape. "Where you going with duct tape, boy?" "To catch ducks!" "You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" "Watch!" says the boy. A few hours later, he returns with ducks lined along the tape. Again the old man was amazed and really wanted the secret. The next day after, the boy walks by again. The old man says, " Where you going with that stick?" The boy says, " This ain't no stick, this here is a pussy willow." The old man says, "Wait here so I can grab my hat and I'll be right with ya!"

This Army General is going through inspecting the barracks. He finds that they are a messy, clothes and towels and guns everywhere. He walks out the back door to see a Camel right before his eyes. He tells the men that the barracks must be clean and the Camel must be gone and they have two days to do it. He comes back two days later and everything is spotless but the Camel is still there. He is as pissed as you can get. To top it all off, later that day he finds that he is being replaced and will have to be demoted. Now he is with the men that he was pissed at and is bored that there are no women for sex. He asks the men what they did for their sexual needs. They said they use the camel.

Timothy Hall

hatrick13@mailcity.com

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Page Updated Fri Apr 27, 2001 4:13am EDT