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Da Kwest for Da Book ov Green – A trilogy in free parts

Part Wun – Da Furst Bit (Fer wont ov a diferr… dipher… name wot’s not da same)

Featuring a cast of:

Gnashfang – A Black Orc Warboss
Morgash – A Black Orc Big Boss
Mork – A God
Nitlik – A Goblin Big Boss
Ziblik – A Night Goblin Boss
Grotwobbla – A Night Goblin Boss
Tony – A Stone Troll
Wowzag – A Savage Orc Shaman
Badgut – An Orc Lieutenant
Yooreeka – An Orc Genius

And a bunch of other creatures, many green and several blue. Some of the tastier ones were pink.

Gnashfang finished the light green highlighting on his nose and addressed the Orc Bosses that were lined up in front of him. Most of them were scruffy, but one of them was dressed in a smart suit of gleaming armour. He saluted. That would be Badgut. One of them was a Black Orc – Morgash, who towered above the seven foot creatures around him, rivalling Gnashfang himself for sheer size. Gnashfang cleared his throat.
“Right ladz, dis is it, now don’t ‘it ‘em too ‘ard, ‘cos we don’t want ‘em all broken by da end ov da battle. Go easy on ‘em an’ just bat ‘em about a bit. Otherwise, youze lot’ll be lunch fer da trolls.” Gnashfang watched the Orc Lieutenants hurry to their regiments and begin barking out orders. Most of the lads stopped punching each other. A few even listened to what their bosses were telling them. Badgut’s Big ‘Uns stood to attention and pulled off what could definitely be recognised as a valiant attempt at a salute. Soon Badgut would have them doing it all at the same time, and without hitting each other, Gnashfang was sure of this. He was momentarily distracted by a distant flutter of crimson. The goblin rebels were lined up on the hills in the distance. A large red banner flapped in the breeze, the two goblins at its base were desperately trying to hold onto it and keep it upright, whilst at the same time prevent themselves from taking off. Scrawled across it, in crude letters, were the words “Freedum an’ Rites fer Gobbos”. Gnashfang put his brush and paint pot down and did a quick count on his fingers. 3, lots, more… only lotz an’ lotz ov regiments. Hmmm… that meant there were around…
“2000 points Boss” squeaked a wretched goblin voice from nearby.
“Ere, shouldn’t you be over wiv da uvver gobbos? We’s fightin’ you’ze inna minute. How ‘ya gonna rebel if I’s about ta smack yer round da ‘ead?”
“Sorry Boss, force of habit.” The goblin scampered away. Gnashfang watched it fondly. They’re so cute, those mischievous little gobbos. Then the enormity of what the goblin had told him sunk in. Only 2000pts each way. Bollocks. Gnashfang didn’t have any choice. He had to tell Morgash soon, this charade couldn’t go on any longer. He approached the looming Orc.
“Ere, Morgash, put da squig down a second an’ listen ta me. Now, ya realise dat times is ‘ard nowadays, wot wiv all da new restrictions on characters an’ stuff, an’ all dem new Gobbos wantin’ ta be Shamen ‘cos dey can finally understand da new magic system an’…” Gnashfang paused.
“Wot ‘ya sayin’ Boss?”
“Well, Morgash, Ya’ve always been wun ov my most loyal Big Bosses but…” Gnashfang trailed off again. “Look, I’ll get to da point, you can’t fight today.”
“Wot? But whose gonna look afta da Trolls?”
“The goblins have got da trolls so’s dey can make up 2000pts. After all, the Night Goblins did find them. Dey should be allowed to use them once in a while. Just not when dey’re on my team. Anyways, we’ve only got lotz ov character slots, an’ one ov dem’s me. We also need a Shaman anna Battle Standard bearer. Dat leaves only one more choice.”
“Me?”
“No Morgash, you’ze a Black Orc. Dat means you counts as two characters. There ain’t no space fer you any more. Sorry. Besides, Wargad has the same leadership as you.”
“But I’m only one character! And Wargad’s a Savage Orc!” argued the Black Orc. “How could he have the same leadership as me?”
“New rules Morgash, better get used to ‘em.”
“But you’ze a Black Orc too, ain’t yer?”
“Not any more Morgash, me old friend. I’ve painted meself proppa green see, an’ I’m not leadin’ da Blakk Deff Skwadd any more. Dey nevva got me inta combat anyways, at least me Boar’ll let me charge who I want. ‘An boars don’t reduce me Leadership any more either. Fact is, even on a boar I has da same Leadership as a Black Orc Warlord on foot inna Black Orc Regiment. ‘An you’ze no use to me any more.” Too late, Gnashfang realised he hadn’t been very tactful. Morgash’s bottom lip was beginning to wobble.
“Now look ‘ere Morgash, ya knows I didn’t mean it like that…” Tears began to form in the Black Orcs eyes, and he appeared to begin to shrink. Morgash’s imposing eight foot figure dwindled to an almost goblin like posture. Gnashfang began to panic.
“Please Morgash, don’t start crying, look, you knows I says things I doesn’t mean sometimes…” Morgash was blubbering like a kicked snotling now, he was on his knees, tears were streaming down his face, and he was emitting the most painfully pathetic sound Gnashfang had ever heard. And Gnashfang had commanded goblins before.
“Look, you can still take part in 3000pt battles. When we’ve got da trolls… I promise.” Morgash looked up, his tearstained face bearing the expression of a bullied puppy.
“But Boss, wiv da new rules, no-one’s got a 3000pt army except us. I’ll never get to fight again… I don’t WANNA be a Black Orc….” Just then, as Gnashfang was about ready to give up, a huge ethereal foot landed on the regiment of Savage Orcs, crushing six of them and nearly killing Wargad.
“Oh dear. So sorry about that.”
“Oh, Hi Mork. What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be out and about doing godly things, such as kicking and punching things like wot Gork does?” A second foot landed on three more scattering Savage Orcs, taking them below their legal minimum unit size of ten.
“No, there aren’t any spells like that for me any more. I just give people rerolls. It’s not fair, even Gaze Of Mork is just in my name. I don’t actually have to intervene at all. I’ve taken up insurance brokering now, on the side. It gives me something to do.” Morgash recovered from his initial shock, and gazed up at the god in wonder.
“’Ow come you’ze speekin’ all proppa like? I thought you wos s’posed to be the, like, epitomy of Orcishness?”
“Well, you know, it gets annoying after a while. I’ve had elocution lessons because I couldn’t stand all the grunting. I can speak Orc if you like.” Gnashfang quickly intervened.
“No, let’s just speak properly. I know exactly how you feel, Mr. Mork. I have trouble understanding the others too sometimes.”
“Yes, I have the same problem with Brother Gork. Anyway, I came here because I heard you were having a little problem, and I thought I might be able to help. Why doesn’t Morgash just paint himself green like you do now? Then all he has to do is just not fight as well as usual.” Gnashfang silently cursed for not thinking of it himself.
“Well, yes… of course, I’d thought of that, yes, obviously I was just testing you Mr. Mork, well done, you, er, passed… I think I have some spare paint here…” Morgash finally found the ability to speak again.
“An’… sorry, I mean ‘And’, after all, Wargad is going to have to be an ordinary boss to keep the Savage Orcs above the legal minimum unit size. So I can be a Big Boss.” Gnashfang had to agree, he was perfectly right. Rules were rules.
“Thank you very much Mister Mork, It’s been a pleasure meeting you again. If you think of anything we could do for you just give us a call.”
“The pleasure is all mine. I most certainly shall. In fact, if you can beat this vicious horde of goblins, I have a little quest lined up which you might be interested in…”

Gnashfang had a thumping headache. He was pretty sure it was something to do with a giant green foot that had trodden on him during the battle, knocking him unconscious and causing his ears to bleed profusely for the next hour and a half all over his face. He had highlighted his features so carefully, now it was ruined, all ruined.
“So you didn’t beat the goblins then.” The Orcs shuffled about, eyes firmly glued to the floor, trying not to catch each other’s gaze. Truth was, they had underestimated the ferocity of a Night Goblin charge complete with netters. Most of the lads had gone easy on them, and had remembered the new outnumbering rule too late. Damn leadership of sum more dan lotz. Gnashfang eventually broke the silence with an embarrassed murmur.
“No, but they had chariots.”
“you had one too” the deity pointed out.
“Yeah, we DID – until a certain god stepped on it. And me.”
“Yes, I know. I’ll have to have a word with him about that.”
“Besides, their army was dead beardy. They had a level 2 Night Goblin Shaman and Level 4 Common Goblin one! Wowzag was outclassed! By goblins!” Gnashfang turned to Morgash.
“And what the bloody hell do you think you were doing? You don’t just ride straight towards a mob of Night Goblins – it’s fairly inevitable how they’re going to react!” Morgash looked crestfallen.
“’s not my fault” he muttered in a small voice. “I wos tryin’ to get the chariots. I didn’t mean to run into the fanatics. They’re sneaky, dem goblins.” Gnashfang erupted.
“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT?!!! AS A DIRECT RESULT OF YOUR UTTER STUPIDITY, YOU GOT CREAMED INTO THE GROUND BY A COUPLE OF LOONY GOBLINS, THE CHARIOTS GOT PAST AND DESTROYED GRAKNOB’S LADZ, WHO ARE DEMANDING COMPENSATION BY THE WAY, AND THEN CHARGED THE BLACK ORCS IN THE REAR AT THE END OF THE BATTLE! Oh bugger it… No, not again Morgash, please, there’s been enough embarrassment today already without your over sensitivity coming to the fore again…”
As Gnashfang tried to comfort the blubbering Orc, Mork turned to gaze across at the triumphant goblins, clambering over the dead bodies, scavenging what spoils they could from piles of unconscious Orcs. A procession broke away from the main throng and the largest goblin, nearly 5 foot tall, marched resolutely towards Gnashfang. Two Shamen and several smaller greenskins flanked him, and they arrived at the foot of the hillock where Gnashfang and his bosses were discussing the outcome of the battle. The boss goblin looked nervously up at the giant green god.
“Don’t mind me.” The goblin faltered, then seemed to gather up the courage to speak. Gnashfang recognised it as Nitlik, a Big Boss.
“Right boss, er, Gnashfang, we’ve just finished countin’ up da victory points an’ we’ve wun by 1564 points ta 312. Referin’… Refferin’… lookin’ it up on da victory pointz chart, dat’s a massaker… Maz… Very very very good victory fer us gobboz. So we wants ter be allowed ta have at least half da character slots an’ some ov da expensive houses wot are made out of real mud an’ da trolls an’ squigs are gonna be fed on a rota basis so’s da Orcs ‘ave ta help.” Gnashfang considered this. It sounded OK…
“An’ we’ze comin’ on yer trip ta find da fabled Book ov Green.” There was a long pause. Presently, Mork spoke up.
“Look, I had to tell them. After all, the deal was that I would tell you if you won. It seemed fair. Besides, I’m sure they will be very useful.”
Gnashfang seriously doubted this. Besides, he had never heard of the “fabled Book ov Green”. He decided to enquire further.
“Well, I had a little spare time a while ago, so I wrote a book and hid it. It’s got quite a lot of stuff in it – you know, about the glory of greenskins, their past, what their future will be, recipes… that sort of thing. Whoever finds it will be the Once and Future Git, because it’s hidden pretty well and will take a bit of finding. I’m not allowed to tell you where it is, but I might tell you if you’re getting warm. To open the book you must be the Once and Future Git, and to be recognised as that you must complete a series of impossible quests. Gnashfang, you must assemble a party of five mighty warriors to aid you, that’s three an’ anudder wun an’ anudder wun, and three of them have to be goblins.” Gnashfang thought quickly. Badgut would definitely come, he would be good for keeping the gobbos in line. Morgash was looking up at him with those big brown eyes again, he didn’t seem to have much choice there. Nitlik was coming, he seemed to have made his mind up on that, and two of the night goblins beside him looked eager to follow. Wowzag, the shaman would be useful, and god knows what mayhem he would cause unsupervised. Oh, and that clever looking Orc, the inventing one – Yooreeka, that was his name… he’d come along as he was useful for counting things. That sounded like it was around “five”. Gnashfang declared his choices, to the delight of Morgash and the goblins, and mutterings of “Oh well, he wasn’t far off” and then turned to Mork.
“So what’s the first quest then?”
“You’ve got to get a Dwarf drunk. Told you it was difficult.”
“Cool!”
“Shut up Grotwobbla, goblins don’t say ‘cool’, as well you know.”
“Sorry. Err… da? git? waaagh?”
“That’s better.”

To read the rest of this amazing trilogy, then visit We Iz Da Orcs.

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Page Updated Sat Jun 30, 2001 11:29am EDT