More Funny Quotes - Miscellaneous - http://maxpages.com/theemporium/Humor_Quotes

FEMALE COMEBACKS

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom:

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress, I'm a carrier.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons cuz you're crunchy and taste good with ketchup..

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

You can pick your nose. You can pick your friends. But you can't pick your friend's nose.
-All That

I treat my man like a king, i let him be seen with me.

I have P.M.S. and a gun. Excuse me, did you have something to say?

A peach is a peach, a plum is a plum, a kiss isn't a
kiss without some tongue, so open your mouth and close your eyes and give your tongue some exersize.

Sex is a rainbow have a colorful day.

I don't forget, i just don't remember all the time.

Happiness is the mental adjustment to whatever surrounds you.

Ashes to ashes,dust to dust, if it weren't for women, your thing would rust.

Life is a PEPSI so drink up!

You mess with the best you die like the rest!

If in doubt, punch them out!

Life is like a dirt road, never straight, always stoned.

If you never try something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow.

The best time to party is between yesterday and tomorrow.

I don't feel the way i like, and i don't like the way i feel.

Kinky is using a feather. Erotic is using the whole chicken.

Don't walk behind me because you are not my slave, don't walk beside me although you are my equal, just walk about 5 steps in front of me 'cause baby, you have a great ass!

I don't make mistakes, I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

I hate indian givers, no wait, I take that back.

True friendship is when 2 friends can walk in opposite directions yet remain side by side.

Everyone hears what you say, friends listen to what you say, best friends listen to what you don't say.

One out of every 4 people is mentally unstable, think about your 3 best friends, if they seem normal, then you are the one.

A friend is a person who knows all about you and still likes you.

Friends don't let friends drive naked.

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but i'm not so sure I deserved my friends.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?

If all of my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump after them, I would stand at the top and yell down "YOU ARE ALL STUPID!"

Don't spit into the wind.

Don't pee on the electric fence.

Sex is evil, evil is sin, sin is forgiven so lets begin.

I do not regret the things I have done, but those I did not do.

Think before you speak.

Sex is not the answer, sex is the question, YES is the answer.

"When life hands you lemons, stuff them in your bra!"

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Lauren

Marshfield,

Massachusetts

thehamstra@hotmail.com

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Page Updated Sat Nov 2, 2002 8:27pm EST