Wrestling - http://maxpages.com/thedawghouse/Miscellaneous

WARNING!

If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting
a survey and asks you to show him your tits, DO NOT show him
your tits. This is a scam. He is only trying to see your tits.
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"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
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* My Dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and even my dick's
dick is bigger than yours.

* My Dick is so big, I could wear it as a tie, but I'm too
afraid of getting a hard on and choking myself.

* My Dick is so big, it won't return Spielberg's phone calls.

* My Dick is so big, movie theatre popcorn now comes in
'small', 'medium', 'large', and 'my dick'."
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Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey (Saturday Night Live - NBC):

One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me
if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth,
or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh.
Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing
he would forget what he asked me.
--- Jack Handey

When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English."

If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much."

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

Sometimes when I feel l ike killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
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A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card
in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who
owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was
quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to
handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun
in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a
body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told
him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and
that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too.

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The Nomad
Green Bay,	WI
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Page Updated Sun Jun 4, 2006 4:43pm EDT