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Fun
BooksBooksBooks TooAnd More BooksInformationAll About AdoptionOther
To Birth MothersQuotesMy Adoption StorySearch Info
StateFlorida|
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| An Endless Search |
| Searching for the Truth |
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me that I was a prechious gift from God and a stranger. He told me about the day he got the call, and the trip to Florida to get me. Who went and how wonderful and exciting it was to have such a wonderful gift. He told me that I should always remember the stories and that I should love her for the happiness that she had given us. He told me about Vietnam and about how men were forced to go fight for their country and that the war had taken my father. That he was to be honored for his sacrifice, and loved for his dedication. (they told them that my father was dead and had died in nam) The adoption decree even stated that the mother was the only living parent. So I grew up loving a stranger and honoring the memory of a solider that gave his life fighting for the rights of mankind. I would sit for hours and dream of who they were and what they were like. I would talk to him in my prayers at night through God and it made me feel close to both of them. Then one day......the teenage hormone thing kicked into full gear. I felt abandoned, and questioned the love of my adoptive parents. "how could you love me when my own mother did not" Needless to say the harmone thing only lasted a few years, then my mother "kay" got sick. The self pitty thing started and the questions and feelings went from that to "why have I been cheated out of a mother" By the time I turned 18 I was pregnant with my own child and having problems with the pregnancy. I started searching on my birthday with no luck. Then in april I got a name. That name that day was one of the most exciting things in the world. I hugged my dad, and hopped in my car to go tell my best friend. We both cried together....and that's were the true search began. I had a name, for years I wished for a name, for 4 months I had searched just for that one name. Being young and inexperianced in the search thing, I expected to find her immediately. What my dad knew that I did not realize is that she could have changed her name through marriage and the address we had was 18 years old. I was so angry that I had to wait. But it was for the best, I needed to suffer to really feel that I had done something so important and so difficult. I needed to search to understand. To prepare and to feel the reward for hard work. But back then you could not have made me understand that hard work makes the end result that much better. So I searched......became a really good skip tracer and PI. *S* I questioned everything and picked each detail apart, and became obsessed. The more I was shot down the harder I pushed to find her. Every promising lead turned into just another dead end. Then one day I just relaxed; put it down and took a break. 1 year later my dad and I talked and he said just start over. throw all of the notes away and start over. I was afraid to be dissapointed again.....I could not take another dead end, but dad said that if I do not do this I will never know. 5 years had passed, 5 years older and 5 years for her to move and change her name. What was I about to put myself through. I did just as my dad said I started all over again. I called the public libarary in orlando and had the attendant look up the address in the 1970 cross refrence guide and then in the 1993 ref guide. The owners were not the same. But two of the neighbors were. I called the one that had a listed telephone number.....they were very old and said that I should talk to the other neighbors, Woody and Mary Ann, they even gave me the number. I called and they remembered the family and the pregnancy. They had even been in touch with them on and off for years. But had no idea where they were. Finally I found someone who knew them......I was so thrilled, I wrote every word that they said down. They told me about the family and stories about the things thatthey remembered, they told me about my aunts and uncles and my little brother and sister. I had a baby brother and sister. I was so excited. They tld me that she had married but they could not remember her married name. I took all that they said and picked it apart. I went down every possible road that I could try. And again encountered one dead end after another. Then I sent off for a search for a marriage license I had them search the years 1970-1979. it cost $1.00 per year. and a self addressed stamped envelope. 3 weeks later I had her new name. Again a name....and such a wonderful name....it was unusual so that helped, at least it was not a name like Smith. I received the marriage license in the morning......our mail always ran in late afternoon, but the mail man knew that I was looking for a letter from florida and he and what it was about so when he saw it he brought it straight over......I opened it right in frount of him and he got the biggest hug you could ever imagine. I called information for orlando and there was only one listed.....I called and asked if they knew a bill or ruth. She said yes, but she did not know where he was and that they had divorced. My heart broke in two. I was faced with another dead end and no where to turn so I started crying. On the phone with a perfect stranger I balled. She felt so sorry for me that she explained that bill was her step son and after her husbands death they had lost touch with bill, ut that his sister may know where he was. She gave me the name and number and I called. It was her job and she would not be in to work until 2 p.m. So I waited........At 2 I called again and she was there.......I explained who I was and that Iwas trying to find bill so tht I could find Ruth. She said that Bill would not do me any good. But that she would take my name and number and call Ruth if she still lived in the same place. I felt so put off....so close, but so far away..... I was so upset that I called my dad and went to see Jess so that I could have an old fashion pitty party. I returned about 2 hours later and I had had a real good cry. When i walked into the bed room I checked the answering machine.....2 calls from my husband (x now) .......1 call from my job about a business trip......2 calls from Sukey telling me that she had talked to Jess and Dad and that we were going to go to dinner their treat. 2 hang up calls ......................."BEEEEEP Hi I am looking for Elizabeth, My name is Ruth, I think I am your mother....Then she left her name and number....BEEEEEEP" I do not remember any messages after that. They were there, I just do not remember them. My heart jumped....I had an overwhellming urdge to cry, laugh, scream, jump, run, I could not even think straight......my little girl thought I had lost it. I called my dad......he came right over and we made the call together. 6 years......6 years and finally all of my peices would be in place......6 long years......as long as i could remember I had felt like something was missing in my life......and I thought that finding her would fill the void. We made the call......I could not even dial the number......my hands were shaking. I was scared, nervous, excited, happy, sad, confused, just completely overwhelmed by a mixture of emotions. Where did I leave off? we made the call......I cried and asked many questions......then we made plans for me to go see her. I called my husband and he headed home, we packed up and put the kids in the car and headed to florida. Two days later I drove up at the house and my little brother was standing there in the drive way. I got out of the car so full of joy......and again I cried. We visited until Ruth called for Russell to pick her up from work. Instead of Russell she got me. We cried and hugged and talked on the way home. I can remember what we had for dinner that night, turkey meat loaf......oooooooo yuck. I smiled and said that I was way to excited to eat. Actually I was famished. I could have eaten a whole cow. But something just did not seem right. I could not place it, but it was strange. Not between Russell and me, but between Ruth and myself. I just wrote it off as my nerves. The visit I thought went well. I was glad to have that off of my mind, finally I knew. Before I left Florida, I asked one simple question. Who was my father. .....I just wanted to know so that I could place flowers on his grave and maybe talk to his family or military buddies. Maybe a photo. Something of him, anything. I asked, but received hostility......I did not understand why, but it got ugly. ........I was told that it was none of my bussiness, and I had no right to ask. What would it hurt to give me the name of a dead man? When I returned home, I was confused and hurt. I decided that I had come too far to stop now and that I would have his name. I had the right to know. Who was she to keep this from me? I was 23 and the mother of 3 children......no one had the right to do that.......I became angry and even more determined to have ALL of the answers. So again, I searched for a name. I checked all death records from April of 69 through January of 70 with the DOD. Eliminating one after another. 1st all black men, then anyone who did not originate from Florida. Then I limited it to men from a 100 mile radius of Orlando; There were still too many. So I decided to try finding people who knew my mother when she was pregnant and in her senior year of high school......no one knew who she was seeing. It had then been 6 months and she still had not called me. So I called her. I was pleasent, but she was uncomfortable. I once again asked who he was........she said to drop it. When I did not she hung up on me. I decided to start asking until she would tell me......so I called once a month for a year asking the same questions. She just got more angry. Then one day I called and she was not there.......had moved. No forwarding address, nothing. She did not even love me enough to let me know that she had moved. It took about 6 months for me to find her again, and again I asked who he was....I was again told to drop it. And this time when I did not, she said some really awful things............ She said that I was a skeleton in her closet that she had hidden from for 25 years and that I had no rigt=ht in her life..... A skeleton............a hidden element of a past better forgotten.......a mistake. I was just a mistake......then it got worse..... She said that I did not need to know who my father was, that he was evil and that if I found him that he would kill her........ I was so very confused. My father died in Vietnam........Even the adoption decree said that Ruth was the only living parent.....What in the hell was going on? Then she said that she would take his name to the grave with her. I was so stunned I backed down and got off the phone. Was he alive? I was so confused and so upset.......why would she say things like that about my father? He was dead....or was he. I was just a mistake and a very confused one. Up until that point, I never asked why did you give me up, really not even to myself. For a year after that I tried to figure out what had happened.....but it just did not make sense. I called my baby brother and told him that I was getting married again and we developed a relationship. But she avoided my calls and refused to take them....and still I had no answers. Then again they dissapeared. In Oct 1998 I caught up with her again and this time at her job. She took the number and said that she would call me back after she got off, but the call never came. I finally gave up....I would never know the truth. And that hurt. Then one day in the first week in November I took my daughter to her school....45 mins away....1 1/2 hours round trip and when I got home my hubby was still at home.....he should have been at work....something was wrong. He sat me down and said that Ruth had called and said to call her that it was important....the only other time that she had called me was on that first day in 1993. I called and she proceeded to cry and say that she was sorry. She began to explain what she had done and that my fathers Name was Brian Fitzgerald. I immediately asked where he was burried.......she was shocked. He was not dead.....where did I come up with a notion like that? He was alive.....and well in Canada. I had a little sister and a step mother. I was thrilled. But why had she lied to me? I deserved to know. Did'nt I? On Nov 29th 1998 I spoke with him for the first time.......and on April 5 1999 I hugged him for the first time. In the hospital Ruth held a boy....she changed his diaper and all of that stuff......it was a boy....... She shunned me, pushed me away, and ignored me because she held a boy..... She explained all of this.....and I was torn into bits........Had the attorney made a mistake? No, there was no way......I had proof........solid abosilute proof. The medical bill gave her name and address and the accompaning bill listed Baby Girl Harrell with her name and address as the contact. She had a girl, not a boy......... The Grandmother was in the room when she held that boy.........she also saw the boy and has called him by name for 29 years.......but she had insisted that I was Ruth's child......despite that. She is your daughter Ruth Ann......But I had a boy.....you know that.....but still the grandmother insisted. Twins? yes twins..... I would have been given up despite what Ruth wanted. I was hidden from her. But the grandmother knew. Even if she had kept James Andrew, I was gone.......she did not even know about me. |
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