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| THE LIBERAL HORRORSCOPE |
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| We Love It And The Liberals Hate It! (They've Told Us So). |
If you are a Liberal/Secular Humanist and your sign is:
ARIES (March 21-April 19): You fantasize about having simultaneous safe sex with both Monica Lewinsky and an amphibian. You not only don't know anything about art, you don't even know what you like.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You and your friends are all "useful idiots" for the Communist Party, but not even they find you useful anymore. You will soon discover that your therapist is a serial killer.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Both of Your children will flunk this year, even though their school is massively involved in social promotion. You are contemplating suicide, but please hang around. We are not through making fun of you yet. We will let you know.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Maintain a low profile at work this week, and maybe nobody will find out how really incompetent you are. With a little extra effort, you may be able to make one real friend.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You still believe that humans evolved from the apes and in your case there is ample evidence. Your spouse accepted your definition of an "open marriage" and just received free season tickets from the local football team.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): It's people like you who give disease-ridden transsexual prostitutes a bad name. Additionally, you are so intellectually bereft that it takes you an hour-and-a-half to watch "60 Minutes."
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): In high school you were voted "most likely to take a life," and it upsets you greatly that you have yet to rise to your potential. Not to worry. This month Venus is in Capricorn, which doesn't mean a damn thing.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You still feel guilty about dodging the draft. Don't. The military never needed moral, physical and intellectual cowards like you and you never would have made it through basic training anyway.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec.21): Your idea of a good time is to watch videotaped reruns of Bill Clinton's campaign speeches. Enjoy them now, because he can't run again and will probably be disbarred.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You hate working for a living, so the only hope for you is a government job. Bill and Hillary found one, so there is hope for anyone, even you.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): This will be an excellent month for creative, hardworking people, which leaves you out entirely.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Since family values never meant much to you, you won't be too upset to discover that your daughter just joined a "gangsta rap" group, your son just developed a $1000-a-day drug habit, and your "significant other" just found someone more significant. |
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