A man walking along the beach one day stumbled across an old glass bottle. As he wiped the seaweed off, a genie popped out and said "You can have three wishes - but this will also be a test of character, because anything you ask for will be granted to you, but a group of people you don't like will get the same wish granted - and it will be DOUBLE what you asked for yourself. Who is it you don't you like?"
"Lawyers" said the man.
"OK" says the genie, "What is your first wish?".
"I wish for a red Ferrari".
"Granted", says the genie, "But all lawyers will now own two red Ferraris".
"Fair enough" says the man. "My second wish is for a £1 million".
"Granted", says the genie, "But all lawyers will now receive £2 million."
"Fair enough", says the man. "And my third wish is to donate one kidney ..."
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Thanks to Lucy for sending me this one (I'm glad it was a female who sent it! I absolve myself from all responsibility)
A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following:
1 bar of soap, 1 toothbrush, 1 tube of toothpaste, 1 loaf of bread, 1 pint of milk, 1 apple, 1 banana, 1 orange, 1 plum, 1 peach, 1 grapefruit, 1 tomato, 1 lettuce,1 cabbage, 1 baking potato, 1 kraft single cheese slice, 1 samosa, 1 vegetable pakora, 1 muesli bar, 1 pie, 1 single serving of cereal, 1 single frozen dinner, and 1 single frozen pizza.
The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says, "Single, huh?"
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "How'd you guess?"
He says, " 'Cos you're plug ugly."
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A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He said “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife turned back and was turned to salt.” His son asked, “What happened to the flea?”
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Notice outside a car exhaust repair shop: No appointment necesary. We hear you coming.
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Sign in a Vet's Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
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Is there any truth in the rumour that Slobodan Milosevic was asked to oversee the American Presidential Election?
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... so I went to see the Boss and said, "My wife thinks you should give me a pay rise". The Boss said, "OK, when I get home tonight, I'll ask my wife if she thinks I ought to give you one."
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A gentleman is someone who knows how to play the bagpipes and doesn't.
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Absurdity is a statement of belief inconsistent with one's own opinion.
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Advertising is the art of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
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A bachelor is a man who has faults he doesn't know about yet.
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Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death.
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An expert is someone who takes a subject you already know and makes it sound confusing.
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A jury is made of twelve people who determine which side has the best lawyer.
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Willpower is the ability to eat just one salted peanut.
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Dr Watson ... " Holmes, look up at this crystal clear starlit sky. Does it not declare the existence of God? Does it not impress upon you the beautiful vastness of the Universe? Is it possible that the Astrologists are right, and that the position of the planets affect our destiny? What do you deduce from all this, Holmes?"
Sherlock Holmes ... "I deduce from all this, my dear Watson, that someone has stolen the tent!"
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An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger, Bill Clinton, said, "I am President of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc." So he take the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane.
The second passenger said, "I'm Antoine Walker, one the best NBA Basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me, so I can't afford to die", so he takes the second parachute and leaves the plane.
The third passenger, Hilary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the President of the United States, and soon to be a New York Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world." So she helps herself and jumps out of the plane.
The fourth passenger, Pope John Paul II, says to the fifth passenger, a 10-year old boy scout, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you take the last parachute." The boy scout, said "It's OK, Father, there's still a parachute left for you ... the world's smartest woman took my backpack."
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MURPHY'S LAW
Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes to the bone.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
A smith and Wesson beats four aces.
If everything seems to be going well, you obviously don't know what the hell is going on.
Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference.
A short cut is the longest distance between two points.
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
The other line always moves faster.
Murphy's Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought.
The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
In order to get a bank loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
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SOD'S LAW
Murphy's Law is wildly optimistic.
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Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac? He used to lay awake all night wondering if there was a Dog.
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Why is that when a mother goes into a baby changing room she always comes out with the same baby?
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Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the Internet for me on to this floppy disk?"
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A woman called the Canon help desk about a problem with her printer. The technician asked, "Are you running under Windows?" "No", says the woman, "My desk is next to the door; but that's a good point ... the man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working just fine."
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Tech Support:"How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
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Tech Support:"OK, Bob, press the control and escape keys together and that brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter P to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer:"I don't have a P."
Tech Support:"On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer:"What do you mean?"
Tech Support:"P on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer:"You must be joking if you think I'm going to do that!"
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A guy once received a fax with a note on the bottom asking him to fax the document back to the sender when he was finished with it because he needed to keep it.
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Overheard in a computer shop ...
Customer:"I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson:"Certainly, sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer:"Well, I want one that will be compatible with my computer".
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A man was refused entry to a posh restaurant because he wasn't wearing a tie. He went back to his car, got out his jump leads and wrapped them round his neck. Back at the restaurant he asked the head waiter if he could wear the jump leads as a tie. "Should be OK, sir, so long as you don't start anything."
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