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| religous jokes The BIG Donation An IRS agent goes into a Synagogue looking for the Rabbi. "Rabbi," he says when he sees him, "Do you know a Mr. Morris Katz?" "Yes, I do," says the Rabbi. "Is he a member of your congregation?" asks the agent. "Yes, he is," says the Rabbi. "Did he make the $100,000 donation to the Synagogue, that he claims on his tax return?" asks the IRS agent. "I can assure you that he will!" says the Rabbi. I Come Quickly What with sermon preparations and anxiety, the new preacher had gotten very little sleep the week before he was to address his flock for the first time. So by Sunday morning, he was both exhausted and extremely nervous. Nevertheless, he managed to make it up the few steps onto the platform and into the pulpit. However, he had barely begun his presentation when everything he had planned to say flew right out of his mind. In fact, his mind went totally blank. Then he remembered that in seminary they had taught him what to do if a situation like this ever arose: "Repeat your last point, and let it remind you of what's coming next." Figuring this advice couldn't hurt, he recalled the very last thing he'd said, and repeated it: "Behold," he quoted, "I come quickly." Still his mind was blank. He thought he'd better try it again, "Behold, I come quickly." Still nothing. He tried it one more time. In his panic, he pronounced the words with such force that he lost his balance, fell forward, knocked the pulpit to one side, tripped over a flower arrangement, and fell into the lap of a little old lady in the front row. Flustered and embarrassed, he picked himself up, apologized profusely, and started to explain what had just happened. "That's all right, young man," said the little old lady kindly. "It was my fault, really. You told me three times you were on your way down here. I should have just gotten out of your way!" Kids' stories A Sunday School Teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the Commandment to "Honor thy Father and thy Mother", she asked, "Is there a Commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill." Be Quiet Six year old Angie and her four year old Brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big Sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." She hissed at Joel. "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel shot back. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said. "See those two men standing by the door?" Joel nodded. "They're hushers." Nighty Prayer When my daughter Kelli was three years old, she and my son Cody would say their nightly prayers together. As most children do, we have to bless every family member, every friend, and every animal current and past. For several weeks after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." As this soon became part of her nightly routine to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'all men'." The Minister's Raise The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again. Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood and shouted out, "Having children is an Act of God!" An older man in the back stood and shouted back, "Rain and snow are Acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them!" Devil Business Two youngsters were walking home from Sunday School, each deep in his own thoughts. Finally one said, "What do you think about all this devil business we studied today?" The other boy replied thoughtfully, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. This is probably just your Dad, too." The Service Our old friend Gladys attended church services one particular Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, in an attempt to revive him from his stupor, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!" The New And Old Priest The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions. He asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on,' and ' I understand. How did you feel about that?'" The new priest repeats those things. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?! What happened next |
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