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| Words To Live By Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism He who hesitates is probably right Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with No one is listening until you make a mistake Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach Two wrongs are only the beginning You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive The problem with the gene pool is that there are no lifeguards Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory Change is inevitable, except from vending machines A fool and his money are soon partying Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow Always try to be modest, and be proud of it If you think no one cares about you, try missing a couple of payments How many believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands Attempt to get a new car for your spouse. It will be a great trade I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize Everybody repeat after me, "We are all individuals." Death to fanatics! Guests who kill talk show hosts - on the last Geraldo Love may be blind, but marriage is an eye opener Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back Beware of geeks bearing gifts Half the people you know are below average 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot and finally.... If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely is not for you -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!" Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off. Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open. I'm not having hot flashes, I'm having power surges! Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid. We have a strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful. Indecision is the key to flexibility. Having an out of body experience. Back in five. Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once. If at first you don't succeed, forget it, it can't be done. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind. It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack. I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. - Mae West The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. - Lily Tomlin Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. I put the "fun" in dysfunctional. All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen. My Reality Check bounced. I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. If the Truth is Out There. What am I doing Here?! Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise? I have not yet begun to procrastinate. Sweat is nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. Sacred cows make the best hamburger. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. |
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