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| A Gourmet Dinner Anaheim Mighty Duck super star, Teemu Selanne, had never had his father see him play professional hockey. He was thrilled to have his father visit him recently to watch him play. In honor of the occasion, his good friend, Mikkail Shtalenkov, arranged a special banquet at the renowned local Scandinavian restaurant, Gustav Anders, where noted chef, Anders Strandberg, prepared a gourmet dinner of the Selanne’s favorite Finnish dishes. In addition to the entire Mighty Ducks team and staff, Disney and Orange County dignitaries attended with the entire tab being picked up by the Duck goalie. It was a huge success. The Orange County Register reported the next day that it was certainly a dinner worthy of the father, the son and the goalie host. Groaners A safari Bar Mitvah was being done too often, so the father of the boy arranged to rent the shuttle from NASA and take the Rabbi and family into space. That created a lot of attention, and all the press was there to find out how it went. The first person off the shuttle was the Grandma, and the reporters asked, "How was the service?" Grandma answered, "Ok." "How was the boy's speech?" "Ok." "How was the food?" "Ok." "Everything was just ok? You don't seem to have liked it? What was wrong?" "There was no atmosphere!" The English Professor An English professor was reading Canterbury Tales to his class and noticed that one of his students had fallen asleep. The professor was annoyed enough to send the book spinning through the air and bounce it off the sleeper's skull. Startled awake, the student asked what had hit him. "That," said the professor, "was a flying Chaucer." True Titanic Story There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic". Some have just come to light, due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment, scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico. Which was to be the next port of call, for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so, that they declared a national day of mourning, which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo. Costume Party For Bill's birthday, he decides to have a fancy costume party. He sends out all the invitations and invites his best friend Simon. When the day arrives, Simon turns up on Bill's door step in his costume. Upon answering the door, Bill is horrified to see his friend dressed in his normal clothes with a naked woman on his back. Bill is speechless as Simon walks around the room chatting to the other guests. Eventually Bill confronts Simon and says, "What on earth have you come as?" "A snail," Simon replies. "Why do you have a naked woman on your back?" asks Bill. Simon answers, "This is Michelle!" Undercover A detective who spent his entire career in plain clothes quit the police force and bought a farm. "What kind of crops do you plan to grow?" the police chief asked the farmer-to-be. "Carrots and potatoes," the man replied. "Why carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief. "Because," answered the ex-detective, "I'm very fond of undercover crops." Shaggy Dog Story. The Duck Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. Barman says, "Hey, you're a duck!" "Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck. "Yeah, but I mean -- you can TALK!" says the barman. "Guess your ears are fine, too," answers the duck. "Now, can I have a beer please." Barman serves the duck a pint and asks him what he's doing in the area. "Oh," says the duck. "I work on the building site over there. We'll be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll be in each lunchtime for a pint." And each day the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and has his lunchtime lager. The next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round. The circus owner comes in for a pint, and the barman tells him about the talking duck. "You should get it into your circus," he says. "You could make a lot of bucks out of a talking duck. I'll speak to him about it." Following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime. Barman says, "You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the owner. He's very interested in you." "Really?" says the duck. "Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you easily." "Hang on," said the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?" "That's right." "That's one of those tent things, isn't it? With a big pole in the middle?" "Yeah!" "That's canvas, isn't it?" said the duck. "Of course," replied the barman, "I can get you a job there starting tomorrow. The circus owner's dead keen." The duck looked very puzzled. "What would he want with a plasterer?" Irish Spies During World War II, the captured Allied agents of Stalag 15 were attempting yet another daring prison break. On this particular night, Major O'Roarke and Lieutenant Flanagan were chosen to try to cut their way through the bars of the East gate. They were hard at work when the siren sounded, and the floodlights caught them in the act. As the German officer led them away, O'Roarke said, "We were so careful. How did you ever catch us?" The German replied,"It's very simple. Somehow, I can always tell when Irish spies are filing." The Birds A fellow walked into a Baskin & Robbins Ice Cream Parlor on a very hot summery day. He ordered a double scooped chocolate cone, received it, and then walked away. Outside on the sidewalk he paused for a bit, then he pulled out a pair of red birds, sat down on a nearby bench with his birds, and placed them on top of his cone. A passerby who glanced over his way and noticed the curious sight, was prompted to ask, "What's happening, Bud, with your treat with two birdies on top?" The fellow replied in a curious way, in an absolute serious tone, "I'm just trying, dear sir, as best I know how, to chill two birds with one cone." |
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