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| lawyer jokes Breaking the Law Q. How did the cannibal break the law? A. He snapped a lawyer in half. Italian Lawyers An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a Law School in Italy, when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true, that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?" Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law. "No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks." To Tell The Truth A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad, does a lawyer ever tell the truth?" His father thought for a moment before answering. "Yes, son," he replied, "sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case." Precise Questioning Cautioning the witness to remember that she was under oath, the lawyer asked, "How old are you?" "Twenty-nine and some months," she replied. "How many months?" "One hundred and ninety six." Real Talent Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is really talented? A: He is really talented if he can get a sodomy charged reduced to following too closely. New Sushi Bar Q: Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? A: It's called Sosumi. Warms A Defense Attorney's Heart Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?" "Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other." Law School An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy, when an Italian lawyer approached him. The Italian lawyer asked, "Is it true, that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?" Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to move to America to practice law. "No, no," one replied. "We want to move to America to fall down on sidewalks." Lawyer Jokes - #110 Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches. Lawyer Jokes - #109 There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well-spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul. Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?" "I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies. "Your hands? What do you mean?" "Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!" Lawyer Jokes - #112 A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out. Lawyer Jokes - #114 A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40 years by his bedside. "Jack, I've got to confess. I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years and I'm the father of your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, I've been stealing from the firm for a decade." "Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini." Lawyer Jokes - #113 An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is the express degree you told me about?" "It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?" "That's my business! Get me the course!" Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer..." |
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