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| gross jokes Some of That The farmer's neglected wife, steps behind the barn and sees the young hired hand answering a call of nature. She stares in disbelief at his huge apparatus and said, "Boy, I'd sure like to have some of THAT!" He replied, "Well, you'd best run and fetch a cup. I'm almost through." Silver Lining This old man and woman were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat it read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her very most private part was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise." So the old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap." Lady on Vacation A fancy lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with crap, crossed her path. "Oh, dear," exclaimed the lady, "Come on, I'll clean you!" She took a Kleenex from her purse and did a good cleaning. She walked on a little farther and another duck, with crap all over it, crossed her way. Again she took a Kleenex and cleaned the little bird. Then she encountered a third duck, with the same problem. And for the third time, she acted like a Florence Nightingale. She walked on still farther and she heard a voice from the bushes calling, "Hey, lady!" "Yes?" she responded. "Do you have a Kleenex?" asked the voice from the bushes. "No, not anymore," she answered. "Too bad, I'll have to use another duck." Sick Diagnosis The eminent physician was at a loss on how to proceed with treatment for his hypochondriac patient. The man had been consulting with him for months, yet the doctor could find nothing wrong with him. Finally, the doctor decided to bring matters to a head. This time he gave the patient a large bowl and ordered him to urinate in it. The patient followed orders. The the doctor ordered him to dump in the urine. It was difficult but the patient complied. The physician took a large wooden ladle from a drawer and mixed the concoction. Then he ordered the patient to open his mouth and swallow a large handful of the muck. The patient did so and promptly vomited. "Ah!" said the doctor. "Upset stomach!" Little Red Riding Hood Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road, when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again; this time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," claims Little Red Riding Hood. Again, the surprised wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the path, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood. With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you get lost? I'm just trying to take a dump!" Homosexual Restaurant Q: How can you tell if your eating in a gay restaurant? A: The hot dogs taste like shit. I Love You So Much Making out in the back of the old '57 Chevy: "I love you so much I could squeeze you into a hundred pieces!" More smooching, groping, feeling: "I love you so much I could squeeze you into a thousand pieces!" Blouse and bra draped over the front seat; more hotter and heavier petting; panties in process of being removed: "I love you so much I could squeeze you into a million pieces!" and about that time he felt her CRACK! Childish Humor As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth, pretending to eat them, before rushing out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed with a devastated look on her face. "Mommy, where's my booger?" she asked. Lesbian Artists Q: What does a lesbian do when she is on the rag? A: Fingerpaint. Elephant Q: What do you give an elephant with diarrhea? A: Plenty of room. |
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