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| My Buddy Morris is on holiday with his girlfriend Sherry in Las Vegas. After paying a fortune for tickets they go to a nightclub where Morris has been assured they'll be able to mingle with the stars. Sure enough, the place is full of famous people. All around them the conversation is very exciting. "Hi ya, Madonna!" "How are you, Clint?" "Monica is telling her Clinton tales -- come over Ricky." Far from being impressed, Morris' girlfriend is very annoyed that Morris doesn't know any of the stars, and that nobody was interested in talking to them the whole evening. On a visit to the toilet Morris finds himself standing beside Frank Sinatra. Morris explains the problem, tells Frank he's been a fan ever since 'My Way' and has all his records. Would Mr. Sinatra please help him out? All he has to do is walk past Morris' table and say, "How are ya Morris?" For once, Frank is in a good mood and agrees. Ten minutes later Frank walks up to the table where Morris and Sherry are sitting and talking. "Hey my buddy, how are you Morris?" shouts Frank. Morris looks up and says, "Screw off, Frank. Can't you see I'm talking to my girlfriend?" Summit Meeting During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House, to be with his family. A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure. Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed?" Exasperated, the Pope answered. "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments." Spice Girls Q: What do The Spice Girls and prostitutes have in common? A: They both get paid to suck. Reluctant Bill Q: Why is Bill Clinton so reluctant to decide the fate of Elian Gonzalez? A: Because the last time he made a decision about where to put a Cuban, he was almost impeached. Bush and Moses George W. Bush, the candidate for president of the United States, was in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. Excited, George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. Mr. Bush positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am." George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!" Arrest Me When Mike got arrested, they told him, "Anything you say will be held against you." Mike said, "Claudia Schiffer's boobs." The Messianic Sign A few years ago the Pope visited New York and was taken around by Henry Kissinger. They visited the Bronx Zoo and Kissinger showed the Pope one cage where a lion was with a young lamb, which snuggled up next to the lion. The Pope was amazed. "For 2000 years, we've prayed for signs of the messianic era and the prophesy that the lion will lie down next to the lamb. I see you must really be a man of peace. How did you do it?" To which Kissinger replied, "All it needs is a new lamb a day." Different Views of Hillary It's amazing how the whole campaign has caught on. The thought of a sitting First Lady of The United States running for an elective office is truly amazing. In New York City, everybody has a "Run, Hillary, Run!" bumper sticker on his or her car. Democrats put them on their rear bumpers. Republicans put them on the front. Have you heard that Bill Clinton wants to make a new song the national anthem? It's called, "Yank My Doodle - It's a Dandy". Rich And Famous Jokes - #257 Q: Why is there so much furniture in the Oval Office? A: Something has to cover the stains. Rich And Famous Jokes - #256 Earlier this year, when President Clinton visited various African nations, he had some interesting comments to say just prior to a press conference. At one of his stops, as he came down to the bottom of the steps off of Air Force One, a shapely African woman walked up to greet him. "Hello, young lady, what tribe do you belong to?" the President asks. "Ubange," she answered. The President replied, "Youbetcha. Right after the press conference." Rich And Famous Jokes - #255 Q: Why does Bill Clinton have a clean conscience? A: He's never used it. Rich And Famous Jokes - #258 Q: Why is barely missing a putt while playing golf called a Hillary? A: It's close but no cigar. Rich And Famous Jokes - #261 You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise women instead of three wise men? They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought disposable diapers as gifts. Rich And Famous Jokes - #259 Knock Knock! Who's there? Monica. Monica Who? Good job Mr. President - just like we practiced. Rich And Famous Jokes - #264 Q: What do Rice Crispies and Monica Lewinski have in common? A: They both talk when a creamy white substance hits them. Rich And Famous Jokes - #265 Q: Did you hear about Woody Allen's latest movie? A: It's called, "Honey, I Married the Kids". Rich And Famous Jokes - #263 Bibi Netanyahu goes to Washington for a meeting with Baba Clinton. After dinner, Baba says to Bibi, "Well Bibi, I don't know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all quite bright." "How do you know?" asks Bibi. "Oh well, it's simple," says Baba. "They all have to take special tests before they can join the cabinet. Wait a second." He calls Madeline Albright over and says to her, "Tell me Madeline, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?" "Ah, that's simple Mr. President," says Madeline, "it is I!" "Well done, Madeline," says Clinton and Bibi is very impressed. Bibi returns to Israel and wonders about the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet. He calls in Rafael Eitan and says, "Rafael, tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?" Rafael thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit further, Bibi? May I let you know tomorrow?" "Of course," says Bibi, "you've got 24 hours." Rafael goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his team, but no one knows the answer. 20 hours later, Rafael is very worried, still no answer and only 4 hours to go. Eventually Rafael says, "I'll ask Yossie Sarid, he's clever, he'll know the answer." He calls Sarid. "Yossie," he says, "tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?" "Very simple," says Yossie Sarid, "it's me!" "Of course," says Rafael and calls Bibi. "Bibi," says Rafael, "I've got the answer, it's Yossie Sarid." "No, you idiot," says Bibi, "it's Madeline Albright!" |
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