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Stress A guy tells his doctor, "I am under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people and insulting them. You gotta help me, doctor!" The doctor says, "Tell me about your problem." The guy looks at him and yells, "I just did YOU STUPID S.O.B.!" Lawless Affair A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man. "Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?" Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, "Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms - is that really what you want for us?" "No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick. "Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion." Lobsters After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license. The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Every day I come done to the water and whistle and these lobsters jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day." The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water. The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water." The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?" Feels Great A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." He replied that he felt great. The man went to work where his boss took one look at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." The man replied that there was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great. The man went to lunch with a client and the client looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." The man again replied that he felt great. The client suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked so bad. The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into the examining room and saw him the doctor said, "My god, you look terrible." The man explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terrible but that he felt great. The doctor said, "Are you sure you feel great?" The man reiterated that he definitely felt great! The doctor got out his medical book and looked up "looks terrible". After he found that he looked up the subsection "feels great". The doctor said, "I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feels great'. The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor, "Tell me, what is it?" The doctor replied, "According to my book... you're a vagina." Password A guy was typing away at his home computer, when his six-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Suddenly, she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly. Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!" Handicap A Yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of the country club at 10 o'clock the next day if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again. He didn't arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and growled, "What took ya so long? You're over two hours late." "Hey! Give me a break," whined the Yuppie. "I have a 27 handicap." Johnny Can Count The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three?" "Four," answers little Johnny. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?" Little Johnny smiles and says, "A Jack." Depress Button A blonde was standing in front of a soda machine muttering, "You're a dumb-looking button. You don't have much of a future, either. You're going to be replaced by a much better looking button." "What are you doing?" her girlfriend asked. The blonde quickly pointed to the sign on the front of the machine that read "DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE". Dog Poker A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance. "This is a very smart dog," the man commented. "He's not so smart," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail." Shopping Trip A husband was with his wife when she decided to buy something for their daughter-in-law at an exclusive lingerie shop. Inside, the husband was feeling very out of place when a beautiful clerk asked if she could help him. In a cocky manner, he asked, "Where are all the men's clothes?" In a demure voice the clerk replied, "All of these clothes are for men, sir." Printer Trouble When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first." Sleeping Married A woman army driver, after a long drive arrived at her destination, a remote camp, at midnight. The sergeant on duty showed her where to leave the vehicle, and then said, "Where will you sleep tonight?" She said, "Well, the only thing I could do is to sleep in the cab." The sergeant thought for a moment and said, "It's a cold night, tell you what, you can have my bunk if you like, I'll sleep on the floor." The girl eagerly accepted the offer. After the girl turned in, she felt sorry for the sergeant sleeping there on the cold hard floor, and offered him to squeeze in alongside of her on the bunk. Without much ado, the sarge got in and then said, "Do you want to sleep single or married?" The girl giggled and said, "It'd be nice if we slept 'married' don't you?" "Well okay, if that's what you want, we'll sleep 'married' then," he said turning his back on her and fell asleep.
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