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| This white stoner guy is heading off to Jamaica for a week with his buddies. His fiancee, Wendy, is really worried about her man being unfaithful, so she asks him to tattoo her name to his penis. He agrees and does so. When his penis isn't erect you can see the letters W and Y. The woman feeling secure knowing that her name is tattooed on her man's penis says good-bye to her fiancee and he leaves for Jamaica. One day, while in Jamaica, the guy is at the urinal and a black Jamaican comes and stands at the urinal next to him. The white guy happens to notice that the Jamaican also has a tattoo on his penis and he could see the letters W and Y, so he says to the Jamaican, "Wow, that's really interesting! I guess you have a girlfriend named Wendy too!" The Jamaican looks at him with a puzzled look and then stretches out his penis to take a leak and it says, "Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day!" Q: What do you call it when a roach ash burns your shirt? A: A pot hole! Q. Why did the stoner cross the road? A. who else would follow a chicken? Q. Why did the stoner cross the street? A. His dealer lived on the other side. A stoner and drunk were walking down a hill. The drunk said, "I think I'm gonna pretend I'm a bottle and just roll down the hill so he did it the stoner thought for a minute then rolled down the hill when he got to the bottom he seen the drunk was in pieces on the ground so he walked over to him the drunk looks up and says how did you make it without getting hurt the stoner said I pretended I was a joint! This is a story to tell someone when they're high. Ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you to stand behind you to tell you something I know nothing about. Thursday, which is Good Friday, we're having a Father's Day party for mother's only. Admission is free, pay at the door, pull out a chair and sit on the floor. Late one night in the middle of the day, two dead soldiers got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, pulled out their swords and shot one another. A deaf policeman heard the noise, got up and shot the twice dead boys. If you don't believe me, ask the blind man who saw it all, through a knothole in a wooden brick wall. These two stoners walk into a sports bar, and are stopped by two health nuts drinking protein shakes. One nut says "How could you smoke that filthy shit? Why not try playing some sports for a change?" The other health nut says, "Yeah!" One stoner says, "We do play sports. Ever played weed football?" The health nuts, interested in dominating any sport, say, "No, but we will beat you at it anyway." The other stoner explains the rules: "The first thing you do is take a 4-feet bong rip of weed, second thing is run across the bar and back. That is 6 points. The field goal is when you pass the pipe and pull down your pants, then blow the hit out of your ass. That's how you play. Any questions?" The health nuts agree to play. The first stoner gets up, takes a huge 4-foot bong rip, trots around the bar, and says, "Touchdown! 6 points." Pulls down his pants, farts the rip and says "7-0." The first health nut gets up and takes some baby hits, sprints the bar, and says, "Touchdown!" He then farts the hit through his spandex shorts and says "7-7, bitch!" The second stoner gets up and takes a giant hit, runs the bar, passes the 4-foot bong, pulls down his pants, and end's up shitting on the bar. The first health nut yells, "No good! 13-7!" The second health nut gets up and takes a much larger bong hit than the two stoners combined, catapults across the bar and passes the bong. He then yells, "Touchdown! 13-13!" Then he pulls down his pants to fart the hit, but has trouble farting the hit and starts to grunt. The stoners then take the bong and ram it up his ass and chant, "BLOCK THAT KICK! BLOCK THAT KICK!" A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?" The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?" And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again. He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?" The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!" The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?" The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave." A stoner was walking down the street one day with his dog. It was very hot outside so he tied his dog under a tree and went into a bar for a cold beer. Meanwhile a little old lady complained to two RCMP officers that two dogs were going at it outside of the bar. The officers went inside the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied up outside?" "I do," said the stoner. "Do you know that your dog is in heat?" said one officer. "No he ain't man, I tied him up under a big tree," said the stoner. "No, I mean that your dog's needin' bred," said the officer. "Shit," said the stoner, "I just fed him half an hour ago." "No, no you stupid ass," said the cop. "I mean your dog needs to get fucked." The stoner thought for a moment and said, "Well go right ahead, I always wanted a police dog." |
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