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EVENTS Orlando, FL
INFORMATION FOR LIFE I
INFORMATION FOR LIFE II
QUOTES
GAY STORIES I
GAY STORIES II
GAY STORIES III
GAY STORIES IV
GAY STORIES V
GAY STORIES VI
GAY STORIES VII
GAY STORIES VIII
GAY STORIES VIIII
GAY STORIES X
DIRTY JOKES I
DIRYT JOKES II
DIRTY JOKES III
DIRTY JOKES IV
DIRTY JOKES V
DIRTY JOKES VI
NAUGHTY HUMOR I
NAUGHTY HUMOR II
NAUGHTY HUMOR III
CARTOONS
IMAGES
MY FAVORITE LINKS
MORE STORIES I
MORE STORIES II
MORE STORIES III
MORE STORIES IV
MORE STORIES V
MORE STORIES VI
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| NAUGHTY HUMOR II |
| dirty jokes and stories |
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 Little Johnny The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words, she thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more that one syllable. Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words? After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday. Great Jane that has two syllables, Mon......day Does anyone know another word. I do, I do, me me me replied Johnny. Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. Ok Mike, what is your word. Saturday. says, Mike. Great, that has three syllables...... Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says " I know a four syllable word, pick me....." But thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny, four syllables, that certainly is a mouthful" No Maam, your thinking of blow job, and that's only two syllables. Holiday Schedule The Office of Personnel Management for the federal government has announced today the 2000 holiday schedule for federal employees. There will be two less holidays in D.C. next year. Halloween and Thanksgiving have been canceled. The witch is moving to New York. She's taking the turkey with her. Lessons I've learned.. I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place. I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you are down will be the ones who do. I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves. I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages. Aint Marriage Grand??? This couple had only been married for two weeks.The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party, so he says to his new wife: Honey, I'll be right back... Where are you going coochi cooh...? Asks the wife. I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer. The wife puts her hands on her hips and says to him: You want a beer my love...? Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.... The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is: Yes, loolie loolie ... but the bar .... you know ... the frozen glass. He didn't get to finish saying the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying: You want a frozen glass puppy face...? She takes out of the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen that the wife was getting the chills from holding it. The husband looking a bit pale says Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors duvours that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK? You want hors duvours poochi pooh..? She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors duvours ... chicken wings, pigs in the blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc... But sweet honey ... at the bar ... you know ...the swearing, the dirty words and all that... You want dirty words cutie pie...? HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FUCKING FROZEN GLASS AND EAT YOUR FUCKING HORS DUVOURS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE. YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!... Some Funnies On the internet they found romance, That put both in a hot sexual trance, But each had a gripe, About having to type, With their hand stuck down into their pants. A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: "I can lick any man in the place!" The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: "Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?" With the immense popularity of Viagra it's not surprising that the company has now started to produce versions of the drug for specific groups of customers: Viagra Lite For people who only want to masturbate Viagrallium A mix of Viagra and Vallium: if you don't get to fuck, then you don't give a fuck. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. Skinny people say things like "You know sometimes I forget to eat!" Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids but didn't care. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen girlfriend...do it and you die." I know what Victoria's secret is: Nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?" Girl goes to the barber with her dad. Sits down in a barber chair next to him. She proceeds to eat a twinkie. The barber cutting her dads hair looks over and says to the little girl, "Honey you're getting hair all over your twinkie". The little girl says, "Yeah I know, I'm getting boobs too." Overheard...I'm tired of trying to keep up with the Joneses. Let's just drag them down to our level! Two friends talking. "My wife drives like lighting!" "You mean fast"? "No, she always hits the trees!" Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?" Alvin: "Oh! Oh! I've been shot!" Dexter: "You hurt bad, Alvin?" Alvin: "You ever hear of anyone being hurt good?" A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd gone off men for life. "They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good," she moaned. "From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested plastic companion," she said. "What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend. "That's simple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm as usual!" Did ya know the real meaning ...... Hormone...The sounds a prostitute makes so you will thing that you are a real good lay. Seersucker...A person who blows clairvoyants. Trampoline...A sexual lubricant popular with sluts. Octopus...An eight-sided vagina. Douche...A female duke. Anticlimax...What my brother was good at. Misc. Jokes Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. Men will screw anything. A: "Oh yeah? Well 'Fuck You' too!" Q: What is the official response to the official 'bird' of New York City. "My body is a temple -- with ample parking in the rear." -- FatJackie The Four Kinds of SEX - The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period, you keep doing it until you're blue in the face. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!" Gum Chewers A French man is having his petit dejeuner (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Frenchman ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. American: "You French folk eat the whole bread?" Frenchman (in a bad mood): "Of course." American: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In the States, we only eat what is inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to France." The American has a smirk on is face. The Frenchman listens in silence. The American insists: "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?" Frenchman: "Of course." American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling) "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all peel, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to France." The Frenchman then asks: "And what do you do with condoms once you've used them?" American: "We throw them away, of course." Frenchman: "We don't. In France, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to America. A Dirty Old Man An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini. "I want to feel your breasts," he exclaimed. "Get away from me, you crazy old man," she replied. "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says. "Twenty dollars? Are you nuts!? Get away from me!" "I want to feel your breasts. I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS," he says. "NO! Get away from me." "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS," he says. She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, "I said NO!" "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he pleads. She thinks, well, he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and five hundred dollars IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute," she says. She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel... and then he starts saying, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he is caressing them. So out of curiosity, she asks him, "Why do you keep saying 'Oh my god, oh my god'?" While continuing to feel her breasts he answers, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?" King Arthur King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt but it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?" "Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Quite some time passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. "Sir Galahad", exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!" But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless. A Dark Funny A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark." The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you." The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?" "Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?" I Bet You Would Defend Satan Himself A Chicago lawyer named George successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms. As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm. "Young man, where are your Christian scruples? I believe you would defend Satan himself!" "I don't know," George says, "what has your kid done?" The Male Dancer So the other day, my girlfriends and I went to this "Ladies Night Club". One of my friends wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill and waved it at the male dancer. The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and slapped it on his butt. Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $50 bill and smacks it onto his other butt cheek. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute, then the banker in me took over. I got my ATM card, swiped it down his crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and went home. My Bike A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "My bike." Misc. Jokes A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." The problem is,..." she complained, "It wakes me up!" ************************************************************************ One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched Her on the butt and said, "You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and Replied with silence. The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know, if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother" ************************************************************************* HUSBAND: "Shall we try a different position tonight?" WIFE: "That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. " ************************************************************************* Why is Mr. Potato Head the perfect man?? (He's tan, he's cute, and if he looks at another woman, you can rearrange his face...) ************************************************************************* Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what? ************************************************************************* A woman is in bed with her husband's best friend. The phone rings, and he hears her say, "Uh-huh... sure, wonderful. Okay... Uh-huh. Yep. That' s fine.. I understand. Okay, bye..." She turns to her lover and says, "That was John. Don't worry, he won't be home for hours; he's out playing cards with you." The New Nurse A new nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?" The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here." Some Funny Quotes From Famous Ladies "Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth." --- Erma Bombeck "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." --- Elayne Boosler "I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." --- Gilda Radner "If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them." --- Sue Grafton "I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde." --- Dolly Parton |
| Orlando, | Florida | 32835 |
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