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EVENTS Orlando, FL
INFORMATION FOR LIFE I
INFORMATION FOR LIFE II
QUOTES
GAY STORIES I
GAY STORIES II
GAY STORIES III
GAY STORIES IV
GAY STORIES V
GAY STORIES VI
GAY STORIES VII
GAY STORIES VIII
GAY STORIES VIIII
GAY STORIES X
DIRTY JOKES I
DIRYT JOKES II
DIRTY JOKES III
DIRTY JOKES IV
DIRTY JOKES V
DIRTY JOKES VI
NAUGHTY HUMOR I
NAUGHTY HUMOR II
NAUGHTY HUMOR III
CARTOONS
IMAGES
MY FAVORITE LINKS
MORE STORIES I
MORE STORIES II
MORE STORIES III
MORE STORIES IV
MORE STORIES V
MORE STORIES VI
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| NAUGHTY HUMOR I |
| dirty humor |
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 "Working at the Factory" There were these three guys. They all worked together at a factory. Everyday they notice that their boss leaves work a little early. So one day they meet together and say that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too. The boss left and so did they. The first guy goes home and goes to rest so he can get an early start. The second guy goes home and cooks dinner. The third guy goes home and walks to his bedroom. He opens the door slowly and sees his wife in bed with his boss so he shuts the door and leaves. The next day the first and second guys are talking and plan to go home early again. They ask the third guy if he wants to leave early again and he says, "No." They ask him why not and he said, "Because yesterday I almost got caught!" "Two Deaf Mutes" Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language. Mute #1 (SIGN) "What would you like to do?" Mute #2 (SIGN) "I don't know, what about you?" Mute #1 (SIGN) "Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun." Mute #2 (SIGN) "Good idea." So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder... Front Seat Mute (SIGN) "What?" Back Seat Mute (SIGN) "Have you got any protection?" Front Seat Mute (SIGN) "No. Don't you?" Back Seat Mute (SIGN) "No. We had better go to a drug store and get some." They procede to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In two minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window. Inside Mute (SIGN) "What?" Outside Mute (SIGN) "I've got a problem." Inside Mute (SIGN) "What?" Outside Mute (SIGN) "I can't make the druggist understand what I want." Inside Mute (SIGN) "I know What to do." Outside Mute (SIGN) "What?" Inside Mute (SIGN) "Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want." Outside Mute (SIGN) "Good idea." The man goes back into the drug store and two minutes later he's back at the car window. Inside Mute (SIGN) "Well?" Outside Mute (SIGN) "It didn't work." Inside Mute (SIGN) "What do you mean?" Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. It was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars." The Magic Mirror A blonde, a brunette, and a red head all went to an antiques store and saw a mirror. The lady working at the store said, "This is a magic mirror, you must say something true and if it's true you can make a wish and it will come true. If it's not true you will disappear." The blonde, red head, and brunette bought the mirror and brought it home with them. First the red head walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world." Poof, she vanished. Then the brunette walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the smartest girl in the world." Poof, she disappeared. Then the blonde walked up to the mirror and said, "I think...." Then Poof, she disappeared. Bubba Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for. Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, ""Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."" So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?", said the mortician. "Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes..." Breaking The Silence Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so." Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief Priest said to him: "Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words." Brother John said, "Hard Bed." "I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed." The next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. "You may say another two words Brother John." "Cold Food." said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future. On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today." "I Quit." said Brother John. "It is probably best." said the Chief Priest. "All you have done since you got here is complain." One Liners Q: What do you call 5 dogs with no balls? A: The Spice Girls! Q: What's the difference between a gynecologist and a genealogist? A: A genealogist looks up the family tree. A gynecologist looks up the family bush. Q: What do you call two skunks doing a 69? A: Odor eaters! Q: Why do Southern guys go to family reunions? A: To meet chicks. Q: What do Disney World & VIAGRA have in common? A: They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride. Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom? A: A pick pocket snatches watches. A peeping Tom watches snatches. Q: How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? A: It's not hard. Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? A: Spit, swallow and blowing bubbles. Q: What is the difference between women and computers? A: A women will not take a 3.25 inch floppy. Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women? A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go, they take your house and car with them. Q: What does Hillary Clinton do right after she shaves her pussy? A: She sends him to work. Q: What do you call a man who expects sex on the second date? A: Slow. Q: What is the definition of nothing? A: When a man with an erection walks into a brick wall and injures his nose. Q: Have you heard that Bill Clinton has now started smoking a pipe? A: He thinks cigars are for pussies. Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look pretty? A: Put a nipple on the end. Q: Why do women fake orgasms? A: Because they think men care. Q: Why do Jewish guys watch porno movies backwards? A: Because they like the part where the hooker gives the money back. Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? A: They're hiring. Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. Q: What would you call a lesbian with thick fingers? A: Wellhung. Q: What is the definition of Making Love? A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her. Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay? A: They don't have time. Q: Why did God invent lesbians? A: So feminists wouldn't breed. Q: How much hair is in a girl's lap? A: A box full. Q: How is a pussy like a warm toilet seat? A: They both feel good, but you can't help wondering who was there before you. Q: What's the definition of safe sex in Arizona and New Jersey? A: Branding the sheep that kick. Q: What do lesbians cook for dinner? A: They don't cook...they eat out. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had three chances to get pregnant? A: Blew 'em all.. Q: How do we know God is a man? A: Because if God was a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate The E-Mail An Illinois man left the streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: "Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. P.S: Sure is hot down here." Black Eyed Buddy This fellow was walking down the street, when he met his buddy. His buddy had two black eyes, so he said to him, "How did you get those two black eyes?" "Well, we were in church Sunday, and when we stood up to sing a hymn, the lady in front of me had her dress stuck up in her buns. So, being the gentleman I am, I reached down, and pulled the dress free. She turned around, and hit me between the eyes," he replied. His friend said, "You mean to tell me that woman hit you so hard it blacked both eyes?" "No, said his friend, but when we stood back up to sing another hymn, I tucked it back up in there for her." The Bride A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!" The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!" The Raffle Ticket In the rural south, occasionally you will find an older gentleman who still uses a mule to make a garden. Until he was 72, my father used one and contended that if you knew what you were doing with a good mule, you never needed a hoe for the grass. Well, there was this old man who had been using a mule for years and it finally died on him. Seeing as he really needed a large garden to hold down food costs, he made a trip to see the mule dealer. Admittedly, they are rare, but they still exist. At the dealer's place he was surprised at how much prices for mules had increased in the last 20 years - mules live a long time. After examining the available stock and the leanness of his wallet (he only had $125), he concluded he would have to settle for a mule almost as old as himself. After extensive haggling with the dealer, they settled on a price, the old man made arrangements to return the next day with a horse trailer to pick up his purchase, and the dealer agreed to keep it overnight for him. Early the next day, the old man returned to be faced with some bad news. "Jim," said the mule dealer, "that old mule died last night. I'm real sorry to have to tell you this. I know you were counting on it for your spring garden." Jim replied, "Well bad luck is bad luck, you really can't do anything about it. Where's the mule now?" "Oh, he's out back, I was just getting out the backhoe to bury him. Hold on a minute while I get your money for you." "No, that wouldn't be right, I bought it, you were just holding him as a favor, it's my loss, not yours. But, if you will help me load him in the truck, I'll see if I can recover a little for him at the dog food plant." Well, Jim loads up the mule and drives off. A couple of months later the mule dealer happens to drive by Jim's place and is astonished to see Jim working his garden on a NEW $4,000 garden tractor. Leaning on the pickup horn, he calls Jim over and asks him how in the world he managed such a piece of equipment when a couple of months before all he had was $125 for a mule and the mule had died on him. "Well," Jim explains, "after leaving with the mule, I had this idea and I stopped off at the local print shop and had 2,500 $2 raffle tickets printed up. Grand prize...Gardening Equipment. Then I sold all the raffle tickets to people around town." "Yeah, but where did you get the gardening equipment?" "From you." "No, I mean the equipment you had as the raffle prize." "Like I said, I got it from you." "Man, all you got from me was a dead mule." "I know. That's what I raffled off." "My Goodness, Jim! You raffled off a dead mule?! I'll bet it really made a lot of people mad when they found out about it." "Naw, not really. The only one really ticked off was the winner, and I gave him his money back." The Fancy Dress Party A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg...so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate." The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really look the part." Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head. He writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a Caramel apple!" Give to Israel A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases. In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in old one dollar bills. "Excuse me, sir" he asked the old gentleman, "where did you get all this money?" "Vell, I'll tell you," the old man began, "for many years, I traveled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls where the men were peeing and I say.... "Give me a dollar for Israel ,or I'll cut off your testicles vit my knife !" "That's quite a story," the customs agent said, "what's in the second suitcase?" "Vell, you know," said the old Jewish man shaking his head,... "not everyone likes to give to Israel" Never A Dull Moment One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00." Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: 1. You have tennis elbow. 2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. 3. It will be better in two weeks....... That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00 The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis: 1. Your tap water is too hard. 2. Get a water softener. 3. Your dog has ringworm. 4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 5. Your daughter is using cocaine. 6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. 7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.... A Salesman A keen West Virginia lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun. "Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview. "Yes, I was a salesman in West Virginia," the lad answered. The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up, " the boss said. The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting slumped, exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked. "One," said the lad. "One?!?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the salespeople on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "$301,334.53" said the young man. "How did you manage that????!!!" asked the boss, flabbergasted. "Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and huge, big one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that 20-foot schooner with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new Ford Expedition." "You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment. "He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the West Virginia boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife, and I said to him, "Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing. |
| Orlando, | Florida | 32835 |
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