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EVENTS Orlando, FL
INFORMATION FOR LIFE I
INFORMATION FOR LIFE II
QUOTES
GAY STORIES I
GAY STORIES II
GAY STORIES III
GAY STORIES IV
GAY STORIES V
GAY STORIES VI
GAY STORIES VII
GAY STORIES VIII
GAY STORIES VIIII
GAY STORIES X
DIRTY JOKES I
DIRYT JOKES II
DIRTY JOKES III
DIRTY JOKES IV
DIRTY JOKES V
DIRTY JOKES VI
NAUGHTY HUMOR I
NAUGHTY HUMOR II
NAUGHTY HUMOR III
CARTOONS
IMAGES
MY FAVORITE LINKS
MORE STORIES I
MORE STORIES II
MORE STORIES III
MORE STORIES IV
MORE STORIES V
MORE STORIES VI
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| DIRTY JOKE'S V |
| more dirty humor |
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 A friend of mine has a 23 year old son named Leroy, he attends Oakland High School where they teach Ebonics as a second language. Last week he was given an easy homework assignment. All he had to do was put each of the following words in a sentence. This is what Leroy did............. RECTUM I had two cadillacs, but my ol' lady rectum both HOTEL I gave my girlfriend da crabs and the hotel everybody ODYSSEY I told my bro, you odyssey the jugs on this hoe STAIN My mother-in-law axed if I was stain for dinner again SELDOM My cousin gave me two tickets to the knicks game, so I seldom PENIS I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said penis CATACOMB Don king was at the fight the other night, man, somebody give that catacomb FORECLOSE If I pay alimony this month, I'll have not money forclose UNDERMINE There is a fine lookin hoe livin' in the apartment undermine TRIPOLI I was gonna buy my old lady a bra but couldn't find no tripoli DISAPPOINTMENT My parole officer tol me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the big house INCOME I just got in bed wit dee hoe and income my wife HONOR At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, who b honor first? FORTIFY I axed da hoe how much? And she say fortify ISRAEL Alonso tried to sell me a rolex, I said man, that looks fake. He said, no israel. IN THE VASECTOMY CLINIC Two guys both had a 9:00 am appointment at a vasectomy clinic. A nurse comes out to greet them and explains that it is her job to prep them for surgery. She takes them both to a private room and asked the 1st man to take off his clothes and sit on an exam table. She then proceeds to take his manhood in her hand and masturbates him. "Whoa!" he says. "What's going on?" She explains that this is standard procedures and that it is necessary to determine if there are any blockages before surgery can be performed. He thought that this wasn't so bad and allows the nurse to finish her task. She then tells him to have a seat on the side of the room. The nurse then repeats the instructions to the second man and with a big smile on her lips, begins to perform oral sex on him. Upon seeing this, the first guy said "Hey, what's this? I get jerked off and the other guy gets a blow job. That's not fair!" The nurse looked at him and said, "sorry buddy. That's the difference between Blue Cross and HMO." A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding, she tells each one of them to write back about their marriage life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going. The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE" Mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mother is happy. Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES". So, the Mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE" And Mother is happy. Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. After four weeks came the message: "BRITISH AIRWAYS" And mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted. The ad reads: "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS." Beer Warning Labels Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers: WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some guy named DENZEL. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole. The Harmonica Trial A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted? " So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!" She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica." HEAVEN ON HELL One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all of her friends and they were all dressed in fine evening wear and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went back up to the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you're staff." There was a German, an American and a Pollock on death row. The Warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: 1 was to be shot, 2 was to be hung, 3 was to be injected with the A.I.D.S. virus. So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom He was dead instantly). Then the American said, "Just hang me." (Snap he was dead). Then the Pollock said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him his first shot and he fell down laughing, the guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Pollock said give me another one of those shots, so the guards did, now he was laughing so hard he almost was peeing his pants. So finally the Warden said, "What the hell is wrong with you?" The Pollock replied "You guys are so stupid, I'm wearing a condom. THE PERFECT PET - Submitted by JR ___________________ A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man replies, "Come on, a dog?" The owner says, "How about a cat?" The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!" The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!" The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!" Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later...no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later...no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what's going on. So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, "Hey!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!" The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just putting on my shoes!" Questions/Answers Q. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? A: 1 U.S. leader Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed.????? A. A cherry float. Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A. Beat IT - we're closed. Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? A. To find a tight seal. Q. What's the difference between sin and shame? A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out. Q. What's the speed limit of sex? A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around. Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? A.. She kept sitting >on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!" Q. Why is air a lot like sex? A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? A. K9P. Q. What's another name for pickled bread? A. Dill-dough. Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy? A: She's withholding evidence. Q. What's the difference between light and hard? A. You can sleep with a light on. Q. Why is sex like a bridge game? A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand. Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy. Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration. Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive? A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog. Q. Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it. TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE BOUGHT A CHEAP CAR 10. Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags. 9. The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill. 8. The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle. 7. The rear-view miror says, "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk." 6. The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus. 5. Shadow Traffic warns other drivers what highway you're taking. 4. The sticker on the windshield says, "Batteries not included." 3. You fill up the tank with Unleaded Coals. 2. You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing. And, without further ado, the number one sign you bought a cheap car: 1. When you pass hitchhikers, they put their thumb down. Baseball in Heaven Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him. "Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives. Sam, you gotta do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to find a way to get a message to me to tell me if there's baseball in heaven." Sam looks up at Moe from his deathbed and says, "Moe, you've been my friend many years. This favor I'll try to do for you." And with that Sam passes on. It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him, "Moe...Moe..." "Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly, "Who is it?" "Moe, it's Sam." "Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died." said Moe, coming awake. "I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!" "Sam? Is that you? Where are you? says Moe. "I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've gotta tell you, I've got some good news and some bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Moe. "The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven." "Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful! What's the bad news?" "You're pitching Tuesday!" A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......." Many colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to six characters and add the first and middle initial to either the beginning or end to make up an e-mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may occur when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very interesting addresses, though probably not funny to the individuals involved: 10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu 9. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - dickinme@iup.edu 8. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk@lvu.edu 7. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu 6. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu 5. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com 4. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) ihadcock@tru.com 3. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) cumminme@fu.edu 2. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - blowmegd@dropdrawers.com but at No 1, it has to be... 1. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - beeranbj@myplace.com Deaths In The Family A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000." "Man, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me $50,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? That's horrible!" "Then this month..." continued the friend, "Nothing. Not a single dime!" |
| Orlando, | Florida | 32835 |
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