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EVENTS Orlando, FL
INFORMATION FOR LIFE I
INFORMATION FOR LIFE II
QUOTES
GAY STORIES I
GAY STORIES II
GAY STORIES III
GAY STORIES IV
GAY STORIES V
GAY STORIES VI
GAY STORIES VII
GAY STORIES VIII
GAY STORIES VIIII
GAY STORIES X
DIRTY JOKES I
DIRYT JOKES II
DIRTY JOKES III
DIRTY JOKES IV
DIRTY JOKES V
DIRTY JOKES VI
NAUGHTY HUMOR I
NAUGHTY HUMOR II
NAUGHTY HUMOR III
CARTOONS
IMAGES
MY FAVORITE LINKS
MORE STORIES I
MORE STORIES II
MORE STORIES III
MORE STORIES IV
MORE STORIES V
MORE STORIES VI
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| DIRTY JOKE'S IV |
| more dirty humor |
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 Q How do crazy people go through the forest? A. They take the psycho path. Q. How do you get holy water? A. Boil the hell out of it. Q. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? A. "Damn." Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? A. Polaroids. Q. What do prisoners use to call each other? A. Cell phones. Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A. A stick. Q. What do you call cheese that isn't yours? A. Nacho Cheese. Q. What do you call Santa's helpers? A. Subordinate Clauses. Q. What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? A. Quatro sinko. Q. What do you get from a pampered cow? A. Spoiled milk. Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A. Frostbite. Q. What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A. A pool table. Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A. A nervous wreck. Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A. Anyone can roast beef. Q. Where do you find a dog with no legs? A. Right where you left him. Q. Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? A. They all have phones. Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A. They're trying to get away from the noise. Q. Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A. Because they have big fingers. Q. What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? A. The taste. Q. What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A. A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off. Q. What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office? A. They're hiring. Q. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? A. Sanka. Q. What kind of lettuce? A. Iceberg A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?". God replies, "I didn't recognize you." If you've been graced with a traffic ticket you'll understsand this. On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, And next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top." Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus. Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your Friend, Johnny Now Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (a brat). So he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try. Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle. Yours truly, Johnny Well, Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again. Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle? Johnny Well Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running out of the house. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic church. Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around, not knowing what he should really do. Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a statue of the Virgin Mary and ran out the door. He went home, hit the statue under his bed and wrote this letter: Jesus, I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike. You know who Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHATTTT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a WOMAN. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three expensive outfits. And then tell is wife, "we'll take all three of them." Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she doesn't care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says, "No-no-no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!!!" Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake. The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath, too. Snow White relents and says, "When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around." Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into water before she can. The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED. Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised? "SEVEN UP" The Catch A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so, a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down. "Is this yours?" he asked. She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive, he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?" The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye." FEELING FRESH Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail." Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..." Q.What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex? A. Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makes your hole weak. Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob? A. You know she'll swallow. Q. When is a pixie not a pixie? A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt,then he's a goblin. Q. What's the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a "quickie," only you do it yourself. Q. What do you call a smart blonde? A. A golden retriever. Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse? A. The one with the dirty knees. Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A. A battery has a positive side. Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock. Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint? A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy. Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. I think Santa is a woman. I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big organized, warm, fizzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: -- Men can't pack a bag. -- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. -- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened .. having to be seen with all those elves. -- Men don't answer their mail -- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly" -- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. -- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. -- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men: Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. Halloween Joke . . . An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest was another, and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the hell was that all about?" Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost! A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men says, "We are berry hungry." The waitress disgusted says, "So how is whacking off in this restaurant going to help the situation?" One of the other businessmen replies, "Because menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED." One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this." William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm.. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister." His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father Top Ten Reasons Why E-Mail Is Like A Penis: (10) Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off. ( 9) Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior. ( 8) Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it. ( 7) Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon some psychologists call "E-Mail Envy". ( 6) It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it difficult to get any real work done. ( 5) In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly forfun. ( 4) If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses. ( 3) We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. ( 2) If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble. ( 1) If you play with it too much, you'll go blind. Those Are Some Cute Babies A man was carrying two babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train. Along came this woman seeing the two cute babies started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?" The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, "I don't know." The lady asked again, "Which is the boy and which is the girl?" The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know." The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?" The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are two complaints that I am taking back to my company." CELEBRITY SLAM 1. How did Madonna get electrocuted? She blew a fuse. 2. What do you call Britney Spears' cleavage? Silicon Valley. 3. What's Britney Spears' next career goal? To learn how to sing. 4. What can Calista Flockhart do with dental floss? Hang herself. 5. Why is Michael Jackson in therapy? He wants to get in touch with his inner-child. 6. How does Michael Jackson teach kids? He uses a hands-on approach. 7. Why is voting for Trump a gamble? Before you pull the lever, you have to insert a quarter. 8. What would Dan Quayle do if elected President? Add the "E" to NATO. Dear Son, I'm writing this letter slow because I know that you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your father read that most accidents happen within twenty miles from home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, as the last Polish family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is real nice, it even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works well. Last week I put in a load of clothes, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't too bad, it only rained twice last week; first time it rained for three days and the second time it rained for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said was too heavy to mail with the buttons, so I cut them off and put them in the right side pocket. Your Uncle Stan locked the keys in his new Buick yesterday. It took him over two hours to get Aunt Anna and the kids out. Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out what it was yet, so we don't know if you're and aunt or an uncle. Your Uncle John fell into a whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends drove off the bridge in a pickup truck. One was driving and the other two were in the bed. The driver got out by rolling down the window and swimming to safety. The others drowned; they couldn't get the tailgate open. There isn't much more news at this time, nothing much has happened Love, Mom P.S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed. A husband and wife noticed that their little boy's penis was a little too small so they took him to the doctor. They expressed their concerns to the doctor. The doctor said to feed the little boy lots of toast. The next morning, the wife gets up really early and makes a huge stack of toast... ... When the little boy comes down to breakfast, the mother says, "Take the top two slices. The rest are for your father." |
| Orlando, | Florida | 32835 |
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