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EVENTS Orlando, FL
INFORMATION FOR LIFE I
INFORMATION FOR LIFE II
QUOTES
GAY STORIES I
GAY STORIES II
GAY STORIES III
GAY STORIES IV
GAY STORIES V
GAY STORIES VI
GAY STORIES VII
GAY STORIES VIII
GAY STORIES VIIII
GAY STORIES X
DIRTY JOKES I
DIRYT JOKES II
DIRTY JOKES III
DIRTY JOKES IV
DIRTY JOKES V
DIRTY JOKES VI
NAUGHTY HUMOR I
NAUGHTY HUMOR II
NAUGHTY HUMOR III
CARTOONS
IMAGES
MY FAVORITE LINKS
MORE STORIES I
MORE STORIES II
MORE STORIES III
MORE STORIES IV
MORE STORIES V
MORE STORIES VI
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| DIRTY JOKES III |
| naughty humor |
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 "Mommy get me some Cider" A little girl came running into the house crying her eyes out and cradling her hand. "Mommy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" she wailed. "Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked mom. "I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away." Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it. "Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" whined the little one. "What are you talking about?" asked her increasingly perplexed parent. "Well I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider!" A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said, "I have a confession to make; the reason that we haven't been too intimate is because of my extremely flat chest. If you want to cancel the wedding, it's OK with me." The guy thought about if for a while, and said that he didn't mind that she was flat, and that sex isn't the most important thing in a marriage. Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said, "I also have a confession; below my waist, it's just like a baby. If you want to cancel the wedding, it's OK with me." The girl thought about it for a while and said that she did not mind, and she also believed that there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage. They were happy about their honesty with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she was as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor. After she regained consciousness, the guy asked: "I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?" The girl said: "You told me it was just like a baby." The guy replied, "Yes, eight pounds, twenty-one inches." UHH roses are red, pickles are green i love your legs and whats between i like your style i like your class but most of all i like your ass im a cool girl, in a cool town it takes a real mother fucker to put me down kissing is a sport fucking is a game guys get all the pleasure girls get all the pain the guy says i love you you belive its true 9 months later, he says "the hell with you" the baby is a bastard the mother is a whore all this wouldn't have happened if the rubber wouldn't have torn sex is when a guy's comunication enters a girl's information to increase the population for a younger generation do you get the information... or do you need a demonstaration roses are red violets are corney, when i think of you ohh baby i get horney, eat me, beat me, bite me, blow me, suck me, fuck me, very slowly, if you kiss me don't get me sassy, use your tounge and make it nasty!!!! THE TOP 10 MARKETING SLOGANS FOR VIAGRA: * Viagra, The quicker dicker upper * Viagra, One-a-day, like iron * Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight * Viagra, Home of the whopper * Viagra, It plumps when you take 'em * Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman * Viagra, Tastes great, more filling * Viagra, Ten inches long ... and growing. * Viagra, We work harder, so you don't have to. And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra: * This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions? There are these three girls and their boyfriends all have the same >name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they decided >to give their boyfriends nicknames. So they asked the first girl what >she called her boyfriend. And she says, "I call my man 7-up." They ask >her," Why do you call your man that," and she says," Because he's >seven inches long and is always up. They ask the second girl what she >calls her man. She says," I call my man Mountain Dew." They ask," Why >do you call your man that," and she says," Because he likes to Mount >me and to Do me." They ask the third girl the same thing and she says, >"I like to call my man Jack Daniels." They look at her puzzled and say," >Why do you call your man that, Jack Daniels is a Hard Liquor," and she >says, "Exactly." Rejected Dr. Suess Books 1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch,You Bitch 2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert 3. Fox In Detox 4. Who Shat in the Hat? 5. Horton Hires a Ho 6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax 7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day 8. Your Colon Can Moo - Can You? 9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil 10. The Cat in the Blender 11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Hell Out! 12. Are You My Proctologist? 13. Yentl the Lentil 14. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket 15. Aunts in My Pants 16. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff! 17. Horton Fakes an Orgasm 18. The Grinch's Ten Inches 19. Green Eggs and Mouse Flesh 20. Son of Sam I Am Heading For Heaven Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man replied, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked a second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now." Sarcastic remarks to get you through the day: 1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 2. Do I look like a damn people person? 3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 7. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 8. You!... Off my planet! 9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats. 10. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 11. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat. 12. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? 13. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 14. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. 15. A PBS mind in an MTV world. 16. Allow me to introduce my selves. 17. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 18. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. 19. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 20. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. 21. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. 22. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. 23. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? 24. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 25. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me? 26. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size. 27. A woman's favorite position is CEO. 28. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 29. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 30. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 31. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? 32. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 33. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you! 34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 35. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong. 36. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 37. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. 38. I plead contemporary insanity. 39. And which dwarf are you? 40. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 41. Meandering to a different drummer. 42. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go? PRODUCT INFORMATION A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a GE logo printed on my forehead?" "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead?" "Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break." "I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?" She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either have sex with him or bake him a cake." He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied, "Hellooooooo........ Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?" MONSTER MUSH After forty years of marriage, Frankenstein and the Bride of Frankenstein came to a stand still in their love life. Each night Frankenstein would come home from work, eat his dinner, and sit in front of the television set until he fell asleep. Dissatisfied with this arrangement, the Bride decided to see a therapist. "He's never in the mood," complained the Bride. "Try a romantic candlelight dinner," suggested the therapist. The next day, the Bride returned to the therapist with a frown on her face. "He's still not in the mood," she complained. "This time," the therapist recommended, "try something more seductive. Put on some sexy lingerie and lure him into the bedroom." But the Bride returned to the therapist the following day complaining that her monster of a husband was still not in the mood. As a final piece of advice, the therapist said, "You should try to recreate the moment that first sparked your romance." The next day the Bride returned with a huge grin on her face. "Thank you so much," she said to the therapist. "Last night, I forced Frankenstein to come outside in the middle of the lightening storm. And right there, in our backyard, he made love to me like it was our very first time." "Making love in a lightening storm put him in the mood?" asked the therapist. "Well," said the Bride of Frankenstein, "I tied a kite to his penis." First Time At A Baseball Game A Scottish man was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run!" This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game. The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye basstarrd, rrrun!" Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scotsman's embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run - he got four balls." The Scotsman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man...walk with pride! Sex is like riding a Bike 1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere. 2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory. 3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience. 4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience. 5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun. 6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try. 7. It's best to have a soft place to land. 8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it. 9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them. 10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time. 11. Once you learn, you never forget how. 12. If you fall off it's best to get right back on. 13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up. 14. Remember to signal before you change direction. 15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip. 16. It's nice to have a cushy seat. 17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way. Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy." "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that." Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn't care!" "You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn." The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder. "I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!" "Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you." Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his buddies. "Your right, he is unshakable!" The third English man said: "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch." The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said..."I hear your St. Patrick was an English man!" "Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me." TOP 8 SEX JOKES # 8 A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221." ******************************************************** # 7 A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will." ********************************************************* #6 A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you." *********************************************************** # 5 One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" ************************************************************ # 4 Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too." ************************************************************** #3 A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked." ************************************************************ # 2 A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle". *************************************************************** #1 A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around. '" |
| Orlando, | Florida | 32835 |
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