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EVENTS Orlando, FL
INFORMATION FOR LIFE I
INFORMATION FOR LIFE II
QUOTES
GAY STORIES I
GAY STORIES II
GAY STORIES III
GAY STORIES IV
GAY STORIES V
GAY STORIES VI
GAY STORIES VII
GAY STORIES VIII
GAY STORIES VIIII
GAY STORIES X
DIRTY JOKES I
DIRYT JOKES II
DIRTY JOKES III
DIRTY JOKES IV
DIRTY JOKES V
DIRTY JOKES VI
NAUGHTY HUMOR I
NAUGHTY HUMOR II
NAUGHTY HUMOR III
CARTOONS
IMAGES
MY FAVORITE LINKS
MORE STORIES I
MORE STORIES II
MORE STORIES III
MORE STORIES IV
MORE STORIES V
MORE STORIES VI
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| DIRTY JOKE'S I |
| Dirty Humor |
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 Bank Robbers Some Gangsters, think of robbing a bank, make the best plan that can be made and start to work. A day or two later they are able to get in the bank. They see hundreds of safes. The head gangster opens the first one up. The only thing they find in there is a vanilla pudding. The Head Gangster says, "Ok, what can we do, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They open up the second safe and there's another vanilla pudding. They eat this one too. This process goes on for the rest of the safes. They get out all stuffed. An they say, "At least we were able to eat!" Next day, on the news: "Yesterday the biggest sperm bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people." Chinese Torture Once upon a time in China lived two men whose names were I KUM and NO KUM. NO KUM was married to a young and very pretty girl named NO KUM TU, while I KUM was single. One night I KUM went to see is friend NO KUM. Upon arriving at NO KUM'S home, I KUM found out that NO KUM was not at home. NO KUM'S wife, NO KUM TU, invited I KUM to stay the night with her. That night NO KUM TU came which gave I KUM great pleasure as I KUM came too. After a time NO KUM found out that he was going to be a father, but NO KUM didn't know how come. When the little child was born, NO KUM named him HOW KUM YOU KUM. But NO KUM TU and I KUM know how come HOW KUM YOU KUM came. To this day NO KUM doesn't know how come HOW KUM YOU KUM came. Speeding Along An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING." The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had." The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great." I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane." She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one." Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well, in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!" "On the Table" He laid her on the table. So white clean and bare. His forehead wet with beads of sweat. He rubbed her here and there. He touched her neck and then her breast. And then drooling felt her thigh. The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyus cry. The hole was wide...he looked inside. All was dark and murky. He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms... And then he stuffed the turkey. The construction worker There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw. Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw." The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming." >> Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. Once the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey and soda. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he too would like a drink. Mr. Falwell replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore, than let liquor touch these lips." The President then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "My apologies, I didn't realize there was a choice... I'll have the same thing he's having. A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women. "Could I borrow that dog?" "Get in line." In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead. "The Farmer" A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened that's so horrible? Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket bout full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Ok, but that's not so bad. Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened then? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Man: And then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Again? Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. Man: And then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Man: Hmmm... Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do? Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in..... Some things you just can't explain. The Rugby Player Wiremu, and other rugby fanatics from New Zealand's West Coast, had travelled to England to watch the All Blacks do the inevitable and win the World Cup. Wiremu felt particularly uneasy during the long flight to the UK and not even 2 dozen large of Steinlager bottles could put him right. Soon after his Air New Zealand 747 landed at Heathrow, he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I don't feel so good eh?" said Wiremu. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had altitude sickness, and that the only cure was 'testicular removal'. "No fucken way doc", replied Wiremu. "I'm getting a second opinion!" The second English doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure, not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated, with only hours to go before the All Blacks opening game he found an ex-pat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust. The Kiwi doctor examined him and said "Wiremu, you have altitude sickness". "What's the cure doc", asked Wiremu, hoping for a different answer. "Well Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor, "We're gonna have to cut off your balls..". "Phew eh, thank god for that!" said Wiremu, "those Pommie bastards wanted to take my test-tickets off me!" That Darn Baby An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. "Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!" A BAD VICE - Submitted by Philip Summers _______________________________ Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees, "The President Must Go!" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells, "Somebody wrote a threat in the snow on the front lawn! And they wrote it in urine! The person had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!" The security guys stood silently and stared ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers, "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT!! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!" The entire staff immediately jumps up and races for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approached him and says, "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news, and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?" Clinton says, "Oh hell, give me the bad news first." The officer says, "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine." Clinton says, "Oh my God, I feel so....so....so....betrayed! My own Vice President! Damn....Well, what's the really bad news?" The officer replies, "Well sir, it was in Hillary's handwriting." SHAME ON ADAM Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually, she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping. Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior," but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good." And Mary fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'll break it in half. Q. How do you tell the difference between a cow and a bull? A. Milk them both. The one that smiles is the bull. Indecent Exposure A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says,"Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!" Little Johnny Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you." "But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny. "Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!" The Salesman A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 365 East West Street. By mistake, he went to 365 WEST East Street, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon. He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand. "My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot." "Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere." Hick Jokes Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen. What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved. What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas? Nice tooth! Carole Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me? "There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?" A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where u'all from?" The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where y'all from, bitch?" How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead." What is a Redneck's defense in court? "Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence." Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools! What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? A documentary. What do they call it in Kentucky? "Life Styles of the Rich and Famous." How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum? Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars. Why did God invent armadillos? So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell. |
| Orlando, | Florida | 32835 |
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| Visitors: 01158 |