Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/buisness

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The Corporate Structure And Performance Levels

Chairman Of The Board
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God.

President
Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch
engine. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water if the sea is
calm. Talks to God.

Executive Vice President
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as
powerful as a switch engine. Is faster than a speeding BB. Walks on water in
an indoor swimming pool. Talks with God if special request is approved.

Vice President
Barely clears a quonset hut. Loses tug of war with a locomotive. Can fire a
speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God.

General Manager
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings. Is run over by a
locomotive. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Dog
paddles. Talks to animals.

Manager
Climbs walls continually. Rides the rails. Plays Russian Roulette. Walks
on thin ice. Prays a lot.

Supervisor
Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotive two out of three times. Is not
issued ammunition. Can stay afloat with a life preserver. Talks to walls.

New Hire
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings. Says "look at the
choo-choo". Wets himself with a water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Mumbles
to himself.

Secretary
Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them. Freezes water with a
single glance. She IS God.

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How To Evaluate Personnel For Consideration For Job Or Performance

Degree of Performance
------ -- -----------
1 - Far Exceeds Job Requirements
2 - Exceeds Job Requirements
3 - Meets Job Requirements
4 - Needs Improvement
5 - Does Not Meet Minimal Requirements

Area Of Performance
-------------------

Quality Of Work
__ 1 - Leaps tall buildings with a single bound
__ 2 - Leaps tall buildings with a running start
__ 3 - Can leap a short building if prodded
__ 4 - Bumps into building
__ 5 - Cannot recognize buildings

Promptness
__ 1 - Is faster than a speeding bullet
__ 2 - Is as fast as a speeding bullet
__ 3 - Would you believe a slow bullet?
__ 4 - Misfires frequently
__ 5 - Wounds self when handling guns

Initiative
__ 1 - Is stronger than a locomotive
__ 2 - Is as strong as a bull elephant
__ 3 - Almost as strong as a bull
__ 4 - Shoots the bull
__ 5 - Smells like a bull

Adaptability
__ 1 - Walks on water
__ 2 - Keeps head above water under stress
__ 3 - Washes with water
__ 4 - Drinks water
__ 5 - Passes water in emergencies

Communication
__ 1 - Talks to God
__ 2 - Talks with Angles
__ 3 - Talks to himself
__ 4 - Argues with himself
__ 5 - Loses arguments with himself

-= office and work humor =-= 54 =---------------------------------------------

Performance Evaluation

Under the Freedom of Information Act and the Federal Privacy Act of 1974, I
understand that my work performance is being evaluated. I have the right to
review and discuss differences in order to resolve them and I have the right to
request amendment to and/or modification of any document.

Name:________________ Date of review:____________

Knowledge:
1 __ The son of a bitch really knows his shit.
2 __ Knows just enough to be dangerous.
3 __ Only has half a brain and is dangerous.
4 __ Fucking brain damaged. His coffee cup has a higher I.Q.

Accuracy:
1 __ Does excellent work if not preoccupied with pussy.
2 __ Pretty good; occasionally blows it out his ass.
3 __ Has to take off his shoes to count higher than ten.
4 __ Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice.

Attitude:
1 __ Extremely cooperative (kisses ass frequently).
2 __ Brown noser in poor standing.
3 __ Often pisses off co-workers; thinks it's his job.
4 __ Doesn't give a shit; never did, never will.

Reliability:
1 __ Really a dependable little cocksucker.
2 __ Can rely on him at evaluation time.
3 __ Can rely on him to be the first one out the fucking door.
4 __ Totally fucking worthless.

Appearance:
1 __ Extremely neat: even combs his pubic hair.
2 __ Looks great at evaluation time.
3 __ Dirty, filthy, smelly son of a bitch!
4 __ Flies leave fresh dog shit to follow him.

Performance:
1 __ Goes like a son of a bitch, if there is money in it.
2 __ Does okay around evaluation time.
3 __ Works only if kicked in the ass every two minutes.
4 __ Couldn't do less work if he were in a coma.

Leadership:
1 __ Carries a chain saw and gets good results.
2 __ Occasionally gets told to "Get Fucked".
3 __ Mother Theresa tells him to "Get Fucked".
4 __ Couldn't lead a pack of hungry wolves to meat.

-= office and work humor =-= 55 =---------------------------------------------

What is the difference between a brown noser and an ass kisser?
Depth perception.

-= office and work humor =-= 56 =---------------------------------------------

Ride My Ass

To Whom It May Concern:

The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that the
maximum safe load capacity on my butt is 2 persons at a time, unless I install
hand rails or safety straps. As you have arrived 6th in line to ride my ass
today, please take a number and wait your turn.

Thank You.

-= office and work humor =-= 57 =---------------------------------------------

Sayings Involving The F Word

figmo fuck it, got my orders
fubab fucked up beyond all belief
fubar fucked up beyond all recognition/repair
fumtu fucked up more than usual
snafu situation normal, all fucked up
tarfu things are really fucked up
janfu joint army-navy fuckup. (When American troops get shelled by their own
side, in this case involving both the army and the navy. Very
popular in Viet-Nam. There are a whole slew of these involving the
various combinations of services.)
gfu general fuck-up
samfu self-adjusting military fuck-up
sapfu surpassing all previous fuck-ups
susfu situation unchanged, still fucked-up
WOFTAM Waste Of Fucking Time And Money

hua Head up ass
hwua Head way up ass
RTFM Read the Fucking Manual

-= office and work humor =-= 58 =---------------------------------------------

Abusive Language

Management wishes to bring to the attention of all personnel the fact that
some individuals have been using abusive language in the exchange of normal
verbal communications relative to the performance of routine activities on the
premises. This practice must cease immediately.
The following coded list is provided to permit individual freedom of
expression and allow all the outlets of frustration in a clear, concise manner.
It will prove a very effective tool and, if employed properly, will offend no
one with delicate ears. Instead of yelling the obscenity, holler the number
code corresponding to the expletive you wish to express.
To prevent mistaking these communication codes with department numbers and/or
telephone extensions, management has assigned the 800 and 900 series numbers to
be utilized for your convenience and clarity.

801 You gotta be shitting me 831 It won't fucking work
802 Get off my fucking back 832 Go pound sand up your ass
803 Beats the shit out of me 833 Fuck off
804 What the fuck 834 Who called this fucking meeting?
805 It's so fucking bad I can't 835 Fucked up beyond repair
believe it 836 Adios, mother fucker
806 I hate this fucking place 837 Idiot, you don't know your ass from
807 This place sucks first base.
808 Fuck you very much 838 No shit
809 Lovely, simply fucking lovely 839 No fucking shit
810 That damn club 900 Unbefuckingly believable.
811 Damn fuck shit piss 901 Cool it, this is my wife/husband,
812 Get bent keep your mouth shut.
813 Kiss my ass, buddy 902 Take your time, I don't want to be
814 I really don't give a shit stuck with this ass for lunch
815 Fuck it, I'm on salary 903 Help me unload this mother
816 Stick it in your fucking ear 904 Hey baby, let's ball at lunch
817 Piss on the whole fucking project 905 I'm free tonight
818 Fuck it, just plain fuck it 906 Tied up with wife/husband tonight.
819 Hot shit 907 My wife/husband is out of town
820 Hot fucking shit 908 Let's take off sick together
821 Bitchin' 909 Meet you at the motel
822 Tell someone who gives a shit 910 Let's trade fucking partners
823 Don't get so fucking wise 911 Sorry honey, but it's that time
824 I don't give a fuck, so there 912 Will she or won't she?
825 Fuck you in the heart, Jack 913 Will he or won't he?
826 !*?$%*!, you son of a bitch 914 B.O.B. (Buzz off, bitch)
827 Whatever you say, asshole 915 Answer the fucking phone
828 Who the fuck was that? 916 I'm not a fucking machine
829 What the fuck was that? 917 It's not my fucking job
830 Fuck you too 918 It's none of your goddamn business

-= office and work humor =-= 59 =---------------------------------------------

Politically Correct Office Communication

To All Employees

It has been brought to the management's attention that some individuals have
been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees.
Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct
will no longer be tolerated. The management does however realize the importance
of each person being able to properly express their feelings when communicating
with their fellow employees. Therefore, management has compiled the following
code phrases, so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.

Old Phrase New Phrase
-------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------
No fucking way. I'm not certain that's feasible.
You've gotta be shitting me. Really?
Tell someone who gives a fuck. Perhaps you should check with...
Ask me if I give a fuck. Of course I'm concerned.
What the fuck... I wasn't involved with that project.
Fuck it. It won't work. Interesting behavior.
Who the fuck cares? Are you sure it's a problem?
He's got his head up his ass. He's not familiar with the problem.
Eat shit. You don't say?
Eat shit and die. Excuse me?
Eat shit and die, motherfucker. Excuse me, sir?
Kiss my ass. So you like my help with it?
Fuck it. I'm on salary. I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
Shove it up your ass. I don't think you understand.
This job sucks. I love a challenge.
Who the hell died and made you boss? You want *me* to take care of *this*?
Blow me. I see.
Blow yourself. Do you see?
Another fucking meeting. Yes, we should discuss this.
I really don't give a shit. I don't think that it will be a problem.
Why the fuck didn't you see me sooner? I'll try to schedule this sooner.
When the fuck am I supposed to do this? Perhaps I can work late.
Fuck you How nice, how very nice.

-= office and work humor =-= 60 =---------------------------------------------

Genesis Of Shit - The Plan (ver. 1)

In the beginning was the plan
And then came the assumptions
and the assumptions were without form
and the plan was completely without substance
and the darkness was upon the face of the workers
and they spoke among themselves, saying "it is a crock of shit, and it stinketh"
and the workers went unto their supervisors and sayeth "it is a pail of dung and
none may abide the odor thereof"
and the supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth unto them, "it is a
container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by
it",
and the managers went unto their directors and sayeth, "it is a vessel of
fertilizer, and none may abide its strength",
and the directors spake amongst themselves, saying one to another, "it contains
that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong",
and the directors went unto the vice presidents to sayeth unto them, "it
promotes growth and is very powerful",
and the vice presidents went unto the president and sayeth unto him, "this new
plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this company, in
these areas in particular",
and the president looked upon the plan,
and saw that it was good, and the plan became policy.
This is how Shit Happens.

-= office and work humor =-= 61 =---------------------------------------------

The Plan (ver. 2)

In the beginning was the plan, but the plan was without form:
And man created the procedure.
Darkness was on the face of the employees
And they were sore afraid.
And they looked upon their supervisors and cried:
"It is a crock of dung stinking to high Heaven!"
And the supervisors spake unto the project administrators, saying:
"It is a bucket of manure and intolerably malodorous."
And the project administrators spake unto the section managers saying:
"It is a vessel of fertilizer and exceedingly strong."
And the section managers spake unto the department directors, saying:
"It promoteth growth and is very powerful."
And the department directors spake unto the company president, saying:
"This powerful new procedure will promote growth and efficiency."
And the company president looked down on the procedure...
and it was Good!
And that is why Shit Happens.
- Anonymous

-= office and work humor =-= 62 =---------------------------------------------

The Plan (ver. 3)

The Strategic Planning

In the beginning was the Plan, and then the Assumptions:
And the Plan was without form and the Assumptions were void:
And the darkness was upon the faces of the implementers:
And the spake unto their Manager saying:
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh,"
And the Manager went to the Area Manager, and the spake unto him saying:
"It is a crock of excrement, and none may abide the odor thereof,"
And the Area Manager went to the Vice-President, and he spake unto him, saying:
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may
abide before it,"
And the Vice-President went to the Senior Vice-President and he spake unto him,
saying:
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength,"
And the Senior Vice-President went to the Executive Vice-President and he spake
unto him, saying:
"It promoteth growth, and it is very powerful,"
And the President and Chief Operating Officer went before the Chairman of the
Board and Chief Executive Officer, and they spake unto them, saying:
"This powerful new Plan will promote the Growth of the Company,"
And the Chairman of the Board and Chief Executive Officer looked upon the Plan,
and saw that it was good....
And so it is written.

-= office and work humor =-= 63 =---------------------------------------------

The Plan (ver. 4)

The Project

In the beginning was the project, and then the assumptions and the project was
without form and the assumptions were void and the darkness was upon the faces
of the implementors, and they spake unto their manager, saying: "its a crock of
shit, and it stinketh"

and the manager went to the 2nd level manager, and he spake unto him, saying:
"It's a crock of excrement, and none may abide the odor thereof."

and the 2nd level manager went to the 3rd level manager, and he spake unto him,
saying: "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none
may abide before it."

and the 3rd level manager went to the headquarters director and he spake unto
him saying: "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

and the director went to the division vice president, and he spake unto him,
saying: "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

and the vice president went to the division president, and he spake unto him,
saying: "It promoteth growth, and it is very powerful."

and the division president went before the executive board, and he spake unto
them, saying: "This powerful new project will promote the growth of the company"

and the executive board looked upon the project,
and saw it was good.

-= office and work humor =-= 64 =---------------------------------------------

Rest Room Policy

To: All Employees
Subj: Restroom Policy

In the past, employees have been permitted to make trips to the restroom under
informal guidelines. Effective January 1, 1995, a Restroom Trip Policy will be
established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each
employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of employees.

Under the policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee.
The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip credit of
twenty (20) trips. Restroom Trip credits can be accumulated from month to
month.

Within two weeks, the entrances to all restrooms will be equipped with personnel
identification stations and computer linked voice print recognition devices.
Before the end of December, each employee must provide two copies of voice
prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Material Department. The voice
print recognition stations will be operational but not restrictive for the month
of January. Employees should acquaint themselves with the station during that
period.

If the employee's Restroom Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restroom
will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In
addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper toll
retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm
will sound. Thirty (30) seconds after the alarm sounds the roll of paper will
retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If
the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken.

The picture will then be posted on the Distribution Center Bulletin Boards.
Anyone's picture showing up three (3) times will be immediately terminated. If
you have any questions about this policy, please ask your immediate supervisor.
They have all received advance instruction.

Thank you and have a nice day,
The Boss

Tb/bts

-= office and work humor =-= 65 =---------------------------------------------

Additional Training

It is now and always has been the policy of this department to assure its
students that they are well educated. Through our Special High Intensity
Training program (SHIT), we have given our students more SHIT than any other
college in the area.
If any student feels that he or she could advance to another college by
taking more SHIT, see the department chairperson.
Our teachers are specially trained to assure that students will get all the
SHIT that they can handle.
Any individual who feels he or she has nor received sufficient Special High
Intensity Training, tell your teacher, so he/she can put you at the top of the
SHIT list.

Management

-= office and work humor =-= 66 =---------------------------------------------

Special Training

Memorandum

To: All Employees
From: Special High Intensity Training

In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest qual

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Page Updated Sat Jun 5, 1999 9:48pm EDT