Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/buisness

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The following is a selection from a group in Xerox which was put on redeployment
back in 1991 down in El Segundo. Some things seem to stay funny forever.

List Of Quotes To Practice Before Interviewing For A New Job

1. I think A&E is a much nicer building than CP10.
2. Of course I always dress like this!
3. Printers!? Yeah, I saw one once.
4. Money is of no issue.
5. Yes! That job description is exactly what I was looking for.
6. No, I'm not worried about another re-org.
7. Doesn't PSD stand for Printing Something Dumb?
8. I make really good coffee!
9. I definitely prefer the openness of a cubicle.
10. Oh, I think it will be great working so close to the cafeteria!
11. I usually get in around 7:30 A.M.
12. I never take a lunch!
13. I always work on weekends.
14. I definitely would wash you car on the weekends!

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Unusual Comments And Actions Made Before By Candidates During An Interview

"Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct."
"At times, I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking."
"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
"Does your health insurance cover pets?"
"I am fascinated by fire."
"I feel uneasy indoors."
"I get excited very easily."
"I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement."
"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
"I know who is responsible for most of my troubles."
"I like tall women."
"I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker."
"I never get hungry."
"I think I'm going to throw-up."
"I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington."
"I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me."
"If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back."
"If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival."
"My legs are really hairy."
"Once a week, I usually feel hot all over."
"People are always watching me."
"Sometimes I feel like smashing things."
"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
"What is it that you people do at this company?"
"What is the company motto?"
"Whenever a man is with a woman, he is usually thinking about sex."
"Why am I here?"
"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
"Why do you want references?"
"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
"Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars."
"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to
answer specific interview questions.
Applicant said if he was hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the
corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later
wearing a headpiece.
Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and
french fies in the interviewer's office.
Candidate brought large dog to interview.
Candidate dozed off during interview.
Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.
Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept
in a closet in Mexico.
Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer
and the music at the same time.
Job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

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Things Not To Put In A Resume Cover Letter

1. I'm really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.
2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have
worked for has since closed down.
3. I'll kill myself if I don't get a job.
4. I know where you live.
5. Any sentence beginning with "I was recently acquitted."
6. I'm really tall, so I think I'd be well suited to this job.
7. Happy faces.
8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.
9. My turn-ons include...
10. I'm confident that I'll get this job. God told me.

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Things Not To Say At An Interview

When you are asked, "Do you have any questions?", do not ask:

Do you have a lot of single nubile women/men working here?
Do you have full Internet access?
What are my chances at getting a sunny corner office?
What do you expect to gain by employing me?
What will be the color of my company car?
When can I start?

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10 Things To Do If You're Not Motivated To Work

1) Dump the paper clips out of their box and make sure there are 200 of them.
2) Rearrange the icons on your Viewpoint desktop.
3) Re-read one of your old Trip Reports.
4) Backup the Development System files on tape.
5) Go to the lab and eat some jellybeans.
6) Try to figure out why you're not getting any messages from anyone in .WBST or
.ROCHX2, but you know they're sending messages because you're seeing replies
to those messages.
7) Rearrange the file folders in your desk.
8) Shoot the breeze with your boss.
9) Make up Part III of Special K's West Coast Trip Report.
10) Figure out how to submit this list to David Letterman.

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New Element: Administratium

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists
at the Naval Research Laboratory. The element, tentatively named Administratium,
has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it
does have 1 neutron, 126 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant
vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are
held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of
meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one
reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally occur in less
than one second.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which
time it does not actually decay, but instead, undergoes a reorganization in
which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange
places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight actually increases after
such reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally
in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government
agencies, large corporations and universities, and can actually be found in the
newest, best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of
concentration, can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed
to accumulate, and recommend plenty of fluids and bed rest after even low levels
of exposure. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be
controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not
promising.
I also hear that the reaction of Administratium with another new element,
TQMium, is fairly unstable. Sometimes chemical bonding occurs and a new improved
compound is formed. Other times the reaction is more violent with excessive
amounts of heat and darkness being generated and the Administratium remaining
unchanged. It is believed that these differences have some relationship to the
number of "holes" in the support provided by the various neutrons. Scientists
are looking into them.

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Corporate Physical Fitness Program

Notice: XYZ company requires no further physical fitness programs. Everyone
gets enough exercise:
jumping to conclusions,
flying off the handle,
beating around the bush,
running down the boss,
going around in circles,
dragging their feet,
dodging responsibility,
passing the buck,
climbing the ladder,
wading through paperwork,
pulling strings,
throwing their weight around,
stretching the truth,
bending the rules,
and pushing their luck!

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A recent report by the American Medical Association pointed out that proper
weight control and physical fitness cannot be attained by dieting alone. People
who spend most of their day behind a desk face a particular problem in losing
weight. Too many of these people fail to realize that calories can be burned
off by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous exercises that are common for
office workers:
Calories
Office Activity Burned
---------------------------------------------- --------
Adding fuel to the fire 85
Balancing the books 335
Beating around the bush 75
Beating your head against a wall 450
Beating your own drum 100
Bending over backwards 75
Bending the rules 375
Chewing nails 85
Climbing the ladder of success 750
Climbing the walls 250
Dodging responsibility 80
Dragging your heels 100
Eating crow 190
Fishing for compliments 35
Flying off the handle 225
Going around in circles 320
Grasping at straws 75
Hitting the nail on the head 50
Jogging your memory 125
Jumping on the bandwagon 200
Jumping to conclusions 100
Making mountains out of molehills 500
Passing the buck 25
Patting yourself on the back 25
Pouring salt on a wound 30
Pulling out the stops 100
Pulling strings 180
Pushing your luck 360
Racing against time 300
Running down the boss 130
Spinning your wheels 145
Sticking your neck out 980
Stretching the truth 450
Swallowing your pride 150
Throwing your weight around (depends on weight) 50-300
Tooting your own horn 50
Turning the other cheek 50
Wading through paperwork 300
Wrapping it up at day's end 12

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I'll share with you my own secret method for moving up the corporate ladder.
It's called the Hindlick Maneuver.

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"How many are there working at your office?"
"About one third."

"For how long have you been working at that office?"
"Ever since they threatened to fire me."

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What is the best secretary in the world to have?
One that never misses a period.

How many bosses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to hold the bulb and the world revolves around him.

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A man goes to one office ans sees there a crying secretary.
"Excuse me, but what is the matter with You?"
"My boss told me that I am not pretty enough to make so many typing errors..."

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There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that all employees are going to be
required to have lobotomies...at least at the prices we were quoted. - Dilbert

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Job Schizophrenia

When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.

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How do you spell boss backwards?
Double S.O.B.

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How To Weird Up Your Boss A Little

Readjust his computer terminal so that the focus is just slightly off.
Take his name out of the next issue of the phone book.
Start showing up early for work.
Put a different name on his door.
Change the charts and graphs he is going to use in an important meeting.
Super glue one wheel of his chair.
After you've had an argument, make him shake hands and make up.
Loosen the handles on the drawers of his desk.
Put a resistor in his phone so the volume is REAL low, then, either talk REAL
loud or REAL soft, or alternate.
Send him a memo from the real estate division talking about how much money they
could make by renting out his office.
Transfer his calls to security
Unadjust the horizontal hold on his computer terminal.
If he falls asleep a lot, make moaning and groaning noises till he wakes up.
Transfer everybody's phone calls to his phone.

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Getting anything work done around here is like mating elephants.
It's done on a very high level.
There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved.
And it takes two years to get any results.

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Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody

This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody
could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because
it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody
realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody
told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.

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You Know Jack Schitt

When someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt..." Now you'll know the rest of
the story:

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the produced six children. Holy Schitt, their
first, passed on shortly after childbirth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and
Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son, Bull
Schitt. Deep Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens
children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just
married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of baby
Schitt. Now you know Jack Schitt!

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Who Works

The population of the country is 180 million, but there are 64 million over 60
years of age, leaving 116 million to the work. People under 21 total 59 million
which leaves 57 million to do the work. 31 million Gov't. employees leaves 26
million to do the work. 6 million in the armed forces leaves 20 million
workers. Deduct 17 million State, county, and city employees which leaves 3
million to do the work. There are 2,500,000 people in hospitals, asylums, etc..
leaving 500,000 workers. But 450,000 of these are bums or others who will not
work, so that leaves 50,000 to do the work. Now it may interest you to know
that there are 49,998 people in jail so that leaves just 2 people to do all the
work, and that is you and me, brother, and I'm getting tired of doing everything
myself, so let's get with it!

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Pay Check

Understanding Your Paycheck:

Gross pay: $1222.02

Income Tax Outgo Tax State Tax Interstate Tax County Tax
244.40 45.21 61.10 5.89 6.11

City Tax Rural Tax Back Tax Front Tax Side Tax
12.22 4.44 1.11 1.16 1.61

Up Tax Down Tax Knicknack Tax Hackensac Tax Thumbtax
2.22 1.11 1.98 3.93 0.98

Carpet Tax Snack Tax Surtax Ma'am Tax Parking Fee
0.69 8.32 3.46 3.46 5.00

No Parking Fee F.i.c.a. T.g.i.f. Life Ins. Health Ins.
10.00 81.88 9.95 5.85 16.23

Disability Ins. Ability Ins. Liability Ins. Dental Ins. Mental Ins.
2.50 0.25 3.41 4.50 4.33

Fundamental Ins. Coffee Coffee Cups Calendar Rental Floor Rental
0.11 6.85 66.51 3.06 16.85

Chair Rental Desk Rental Union Dues Union Don'ts Cash Advances
4.32 4.32 5.85 3.77 0.69

Cash Retreats Overtime Undertime Eastern Time Central Time
121.35 1.26 54.83 9.00 8.00

Mountain Time Pacific Time Daylight Savings Time Time Out
7.00 6.00 4.44 12.21

Oxygen Water Electricity Heat Air Conditioning
10.02 16.54 38.23 51.42 46.83

Misc
169.24

Take Home Pay: $0000.02

(this is where the expression "just my 2 cents" came from)

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The people of the various provinces are strictly forbidden to have in their
possession any swords, bows, spears, firearms, or other types of arms. The
possession of these elements makes difficult the collection of taxes and dues,
and tends to permit uprising. Therefore, the heads of provinces, official
agents, and deputies are ordered to collect all the weapons mentioned above and
turn them over to the government. - Toyotomi Hideyoshi, Shogun, August 29, 1558,
Japan

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From: IRS
Re: Notice Of Tax Increase (Form 1040P)

The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your penis. This is due to the fact
that 40% of the time, it is hanging around unemployed; 20% of the time, it is
pissed off; 30% of the time, it is hard up; and 10% of the time, it is in the
hole. On top of this, it has two dependents who are both are nuts. Accordingly,
starting January 1, 1995, yo

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