Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/buisness

Starting immediately:

The Times' travel office has been instructed to book employees in more
economical hotels; as a guideline, for example, any hotel providing mints on
pillows is excluded from this list. For your further guidance, a hotel and
motel guide "Corporate America on $29.95 a day," is being reprinted for
distribution.
Any reporters/photographers traveling together will occupy only one room; for
propriety's sake, they will sleep in shifts, one by day, the other by night. In
case of a dispute over shift assignments, any editor at or above the rank of
assistant metropolitan editor can be called in to mediate.
When traveling, do not purchase local newspapers. These can be obtained from
hotel check-out desks, in the seating areas of coffee shops where they have been
discarded by others, or taken from so-called "street people" sleeping on benches
and sidewalks.
All reporters' notebooks will be issued by the city desk. Any request for
new notebooks must be accompanied by turning in a used one, with all pages
filled on both sides. When taking notes, please use abbreviations wherever
possible; this will help to conserve. The same rule for turning in used items
will hold for pens, and pencil stubs. New cassette tapes will be provided when
old ones are turned in. To obtain further use from your tape recorder
batteries, lick the battery head with the tip of your tongue and reinsert
batteries in tape recorder.
Like first-class travel, first-class postage is now prohibited, except under
extraordinary circumstances. Postcards will be provided through your department
secretary. Any reporter wishing to send items first-class can petition orally
or in writing to the city desk for the necessary stamps.
To avoid wastage of newsprint, street-vendor racks will be installed in the
newsroom and throughout the building. Reporters deemed "need to know" can
obtain coins from the city desk to purchase one (1) newspaper daily; others are
encouraged to bring their newspapers from home, or to purchase them at work
When dining out of town while on company business, employees are encouraged
to follow current Administration guidelines and use catsup as a vegetable.
To aid in our company "balance of payments," this fall, a company sales
program, much akin to the Girl Scouts' cookie sales program, will be instituted.
Times-produced and Times-logo merchandise will be sold by employees in the
course of their other duties, i.e. reporters traveling around southern
California for interviews and research. The Times' marketing division is
preparing "kits," cases containing a sample array of Times merchandise, and
order books. These kits should be available by December 1, and will be
distributed by your supervisor.
To conserve energy, rolling blackouts of computer and electric-light power
will be observed throughout the editorial department. We will try to time these
to avoid any conflict with your department deadlines.
The Times is also instituting a suggestion plan to encourage employees' ideas
on cost-cutting. Employees whose suggestions are adopted will be rewarded with
free meal passes to the company cafeteria.

-= office and work humor =-= 6 =---------------------------------------------

Reuters News Service - British frequent flyer Alak Krishnan, 43, said he lost
his suitcase on an airline flight, dozens and dozens of times. Over the last two
years, he collected 85,000 pounds (US$135,000) in claims. Convicted of fraud,
prosecutors said Krishnan would check in two or three bags, then zip one into
another and claim the zipped-up bag was lost by the airline.

-= office and work humor =-= 7 =---------------------------------------------

Seen on a hall wall at NASA's Jet Propulsion Labs:
(each letter appears cut out of a magazine and pasted on the paper)

we have your
satellite if you
want it back
send 20 billion
in martian
money. No funny
business or
you will never
see it again

-= office and work humor =-= 8 =---------------------------------------------

The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing,
"All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by
saying, 'I resign.'"

-= office and work humor =-= 9 =---------------------------------------------

Six Phases of Project Management

1 Exaltation
2 Disenchantment
3 Confusion
4 Search for the Guilty
5 Punishment of the Innocent
6 Distinction for the Uninvolved

-= office and work humor =-= 10 =---------------------------------------------

Immutable Laws Of Project Management

Law 1: No major project is ever completed on time, within budget, with the
same staff that started it, nor does the project do what it is supposed to do.
It is highly unlikely that yours will be the first.
Corollary 1: The benefits will be smaller than initially estimated, if
estimates were made at all.
Corollary 2: The system finally installed will be completed late and will
not do what it is supposed to do.
Corollary 3: It will cost more but will be technically successful.

Law 2: One advantage of fuzzy project objectives is that they let you avoid
embarrassment in estimating the corresponding costs.

Law 3: The effort required to correct a project that is off course
increases geometrically with time.
Corollary 1: The longer you wait the harder it gets.
Corollary 2: If you wait until the project is completed, it's too late.
Corollary 3: Do it now regardless of the embarrassment.

Law 4: The project purpose statement you wrote and understand will be seen
differently by everyone else.
Corollary 1: If you explain the purpose so clearly that no one could
possibly misunderstand, someone will.
Corollary 2: If you do something that you are sure will meet everyone's
approval, someone will not like it.

Law 5: Measurable benefits are real. Intangible benefits are not
measurable, thus intangible benefits are not real.
Corollary 1: Intangible benefits are real if you can prove that they are
real.

Law 6: Anyone who can work effectively on a project part-time certainly
does not have enough to do now.
Corollary 1: If a boss will not give a worker a full-time job, you shouldn't
either.
Corollary 2: If the project participant has a time conflict, the work given
by the full-time boss will not suffer.

Law 7: The greater the project's technical complexity, the less you need a
technician to manage it.
Corollary 1: Get the best manager you can. The manager will get the
technicians.
Corollary 2: The reverse of corollary 1 is almost never true.

Law 8: A carelessly planned project will take three times longer to
complete than expected. A carefully planned project will only take twice as
long.
Corollary 1: If nothing can possibly go wrong, it will anyway.

Law 9: When the project is going well, something will go wrong.
Corollary 1: When things cannot get any worse, they will.
Corollary 2: When things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
something.

Law 10: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly
manifests their lack of progress.

Law 11: Projects progress rapidly until they are 90 percent complete. Then
they remain 90 percent complete forever.

Law 12: If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of change
will exceed the rate of progress.

Law 13: If the user does not believe in the system, a parallel system will
be developed. Neither system will work very well.

Law 14: Benefits achieved are a function of the thoroughness of the post-
audit check.
Corollary 1: The prospect of an independent post-audit provides the project
team with a powerful incentive to deliver a good system on schedule within
budget.

Law 15: No system is ever completely debugged. Attempts to debug a system
inevitably introduce new bugs that are even harder to find.

Law 16: No law is immutable.

-= office and work humor =-= 11 =---------------------------------------------

My Job

It's not my place to run the train
The whistle I cannot blow
It's not my place to say how far
The train is allowed to go
It's not my place to shoot off steam
Nor even clang the bell
But let the damn thing
Jump the track
And see who catches hell!!!

-= office and work humor =-= 12 =---------------------------------------------

Customer Order - The Swing (this is better as a drawing!)

1 As the work order describes it:
A swing from a tree limb supported by 3 ropes, one rope in the middle of the
board seat.
2 As the Engineering Department designed it:
A swing from a tree limb supported by 2 ropes but with 3 seats
3 As the planning group planned it:
A swing, 1 seat, 2 ropes attached to tree trunk, seat on the ground
4 As the shop fabricated it:
A swing, 1 seat, 2 ropes attached to limbs on opposite sides of the trunk,
seat resting against the tree trunk
5 As maintenance installed it:
A swing, 1 seat, 2 ropes attached to limbs on opposite sides of the trunk,
section of the tree trunk removed to allow swing to hang, entire tree top
supported by makeshift poles under the limbs
6 What the customer really wanted:
A tire swing, 1 rope and an old tire.

-= office and work humor =-= 13 =---------------------------------------------

Customer Complaints

You are expensive!
You don't deliver!
You are a pain in the ass to work with!

-= office and work humor =-= 14 =---------------------------------------------

Letters Of Recommendations For Employees

Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee?
Here are a few suggested phrases:

For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."

For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."

For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
"He consistently achieves the low standards he sets for himself."

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of
employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or
recommend him too highly."

For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications
whatsoever."

For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."

-= office and work humor =-= 15 =---------------------------------------------

Dictionary of Performance Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those
glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Average: Not too bright.
Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.
Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Conscientious and careful: Scared.
Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
Consults with supervisor often: Pain in the ass.
Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
Deserves promotion: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.
Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.
Doesn't suffer fools gladly: Rude and abrasive.
Enjoys job: Needs more to do.
Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.
Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.
Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.
Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.
Happy: Paid too much.
Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
Ideas don't last long in some heads because they can't stand solitary
confinement.
Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.
Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.
Judgement is usually sound: Lucky.
Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
Keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead.
Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.
Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.
Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.
Maintains professional attitude: A snob.
Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.
Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions.
Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.
Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.
Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed.
Should go far: Please.
Slightly below average: Stupid.
Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.
Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.
Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.
Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
Takes pride in work: Conceited.
Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.
Uses resources well: Delegates everything.
Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.
Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.
Well organized: Does too much busywork.
Will go far: Relative of management.
Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.
Zealous attitude: Opinionated.

-= office and work humor =-= 16 =---------------------------------------------

Dictionary Of Employment Want Ads Terminology

Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission.
Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.
Fast learner: You will get no training from us.
Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.
Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing.
Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.
Management training position: You'll be a salesperson with a wide territory.
Much client contact: You handle the phone or make "cold calls" on clients.
Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.
Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.
Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.
Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.
Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.
Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters.

-= office and work humor =-= 17 =---------------------------------------------

And how about the pill counter who married the bean counter and they produced a
CPA son who could work only one hour before or two to three hours after meals.

-= office and work humor =-= 18 =---------------------------------------------

Management Aptitude

Yesterday my brother Jim was taking a test required for a management job with a
local trucking company. Part of the test involved a verbal section given by
the company employment director (or whatever).
Question:
"You are driving a forklift and 2 men get in your way, what do you do?"
My brother's answer:
"Go for the one with the most seniority!"

-= office and work humor =-= 19 =---------------------------------------------

The 10 If's You Need To Know To Get Along At Work

1) If it rings, put it on hold.
2) If it clunks, call the repairman.
3) If it whistles, ignore it.
4) If it's a friend, stop work and chat.
5) If it's the Boss, look busy.
6) If it talks, take notes.
7) If it's handwritten, type it.
8) if it's typed, copy it.
9) If it's copied, file it.
10) If it's Friday, FORGET IT!!!

-= office and work humor =-= 20 =---------------------------------------------

Your Co-worker Could Be A Space Alien...

Here's how you can tell. 10 signs to watch for:

1. Odd or mismatched clothes.
2. Strange diet or unusual eating habits.
3. Bizarre sense of humor.
4. Takes frequent sick days.
5. Keeps a written or tape recorded diary.
6. Misuses everyday items. May use correction fluid to paint its nails.
7. Constant questioning about customs.
8. Secretive about personal lifestyle.
9. Frequently talks to himself.
10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain high-tech
hardware.

-= office and work humor =-= 21 =---------------------------------------------

Are You About To Employ A Robot?

This test was written by ME, Roger Carasso, for the UCB Psychology Department.
It is intended to be used by companies that are recruiting on campus. With this
test, you can determine whether an applicant you are interviewing is a Liberal
Arts major, a Vulcan/Math major, or a Robot.

Administer the following test to students prior to interviewing them in person:

Answer Questions by circling the appropriate subjective choice.

1. If stranded on a deserted island, I would want ___
1) Shakespeare
2) Math books
3) Fluid oil

2. If I could have any job, I would be a ___
1) Writer
2) Professor
3) McDonald's employee

3. On weekends, I go to ___
1) The beach
2) The library
3) goto 999

4. My favorite hobby is ___
1) Poetry
2) Open math problems
3) Memorizing

5. I have taken ___ English classes.
1) Many
2) Enough to communicate
3) fori=1to++x10goto999

6. What is the quickest way to solve 2X+4=2?
1) In my head
2) Ask a Vulcan
3) Brute force with a Cray T3D supercomputer

7. What have you learned in school that you value the most?
1) Latin
2) Complex Analysis
3) How to operate my HP-28C

8. In between classes, I like to ___
1) Talk with my friends
2) Study proofs
3) Add numbers on my calculator

9. When I have a report due, I type it on ___
1) My manual typewriter
2) The school's word processor
3) My calculator and then upload it to a PC at 50 baud

10. Since coming to the university, I have gained many ___
1) Friends
2) Books
3) Calculator manuals

11. The best use of a computer is ___
1) As a door stop
2) For graphing functions
3) As friends

12. When I go to a restaurant, I usually get ___
1) A hamburger
2) A twinkie
3) Thrown out

13. What part of speech is "interface"?
1) A noun
2) A noun and a verb
3) Not enough data

14. What do you consider to be paradise?
1) Total happiness
2) Total knowledge
3) Two calculators

15. What type of music do

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Page Updated Sat Jun 5, 1999 9:48pm EDT