 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
Bar Jokes
Bar Jokes 1Bar Jokes 2Bar Jokes 3Bar Jokes 4Bar Jokes 5Bar Jokes 6Bar Jokes 7Bar Jokes 8Bar Jokes 9Bar Jokes 10Bar Jokes 11Bar Jokes 12Bar Jokes 13Bar Jokes 14Barney Jokes
Barney Jokes 1Barney Jokes 2Blonde Jokes
Dumb Blonde JokesBlonde Jokes 1Buisness Jokes
Buisness JokesBuisness 2Buisness 3Buisness 4Buisness 5buisness 6buisness 7buisness 8Buisness 9Buisness 10Buisness 11Buisness 12Chicken Jokes
Chicken JokesClinton Jokes
Clinton JokesClinton Jokes 2Educational Jokes
Education 1Education 2Education 3The Nerdy Test Part 1The Nerdy Test Part 2Elephant 1Elephant Jokes
Elephant 3Elephant 2Holiday Jokes
Holiday JokesHoliday Jokes 2Holiday Jokes 3Holiday Jokes 4Just do it Jokes
Just do it jokes A to EJust do it Jokes E to IJust Do It Jokes J to QJust Do It Jokes R to ZMen and Weman Jokes
Men and Weman Jokes 1Men and Weman 2Men and Weman Jokes 3Men and Weman Jokes 4Men And Weman Jokes 5Micellanious
63 Ways to tick of a CopMiscellaneous Jokes
Miscellaneous Jokes 1Music Jokes
Music Jokes 1Pick Up Lines
Pick Up Lines 1Pick Up Lines 2Pick Up Lines 3Pick Up Lines 4Pick Up LinesPick Up Lines 6Pick Up Lines 7Practical jokes
Practical Jokes 1Practical Jokes 2Practical Jokes 3Practical Jokes 4Practical Jokes 5Practical Jokes 6Red Neck Jokes
Red Neck Jokes 1Red Neck Jokes 2Red Neck Jokes 3Yo Mamma Jokes
Yo Mamma is so FatMicellanious Yo Mamma Jokes 1Micellanious Yo Mamma Jokes 2Yo Mamma Jokes 2|
|
| ||||||
| A college kid from up north got hopelessly lost in the backwoods trying to take a short-cut home for the holidays. He finally came upon a lone farm house and saw an Old Hillbilly sitting on the front porch in a rocking chair. He went up to the Old Hillbilly to get directions: Student: "Excuse me sir, but, could you tell me how to get to Smithville ?" Old Hillbilly: "Sorry, young fellow, but, I never heered of it." Student: "Well, could you tell me how to get back to the Interstate?" Old Hillbilly: "Ah, what's this here Inter-state thing?" Student: "It's the main road going north and south - a super highway." Old Hillbilly: "A super road you say. Didn't know there was one." Student: "You sure don't know much about whats going on, do you?" Old Hillbilly: "Maybe not, young fellow, but, then again -- I ain't lost." Student (not knowing when to leave bad enough alone): "I've been told that you old backwoodsmen are pretty smart even though you haven't had much schooling." Old Hillbilly: "Could be. Though I did attend school back in ought 7 and 8." Student: "Well sir, I am a college student and I wonder if you would mind having a contest with me to see which of us is the smarter?" Old Hillbilly: "Wouldn't mine atall - what you got in mind?" Student: "How about if we take turns asking each other questions until one of us can't answer." Old Hillbilly: "And what did you say the stakes were?" Student: "Well, I didn't - but if you want to play for money - let's say one dollar a question." Old Hillbilly: "Seems to me - you being a college student and all - that you put up a dollar and I put up fifty cents." Student: "Thats fine with me. You start." Old Hillbilly: "Okey. What has three legs, is purple, and barks like a dog ?" Student: (after a long pause) "I don't know. Here's your dollar. But, what does have three legs, is purple, and barks like a dog ?" Old Hillbilly: "Danged if I know - here's your fifty cents." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------- + Bubba-Joe had a nice little shack in Kentucky, a cabin up in the mountains and a pretty easy job. He'd just turned 50 and was becoming concerned that his stamina was declining, he couldn't paddle the fishin boat as long, and he almost passed out from exhaustion 1/2 way to the hunting cabin, but worst of all was his wife... she complained that his performance in the bedroom was lacking in energy. She continuosly badgered him about, until one day he couldn't take it any more, and went to see a doctor: Doc: "Well Bubba-Joe, you're a might on a heavy sah-d, yer tuckered purty quick too, but yer jest a bit outta shape. Start jogg'n lahk 'em city folks do.... 5 miles a day. It outta improve yer stamina." Well, Bubba-Joe was a confirmed Couch-potatoe, and a dedicated WWF fan, but reluctantly agreed to do it (rather than put up with his wife's constant nagging). About 2 weeks later the Doctor got a call from Bubba-Joe: Doc: "Hey there Bubba-Joe, How you feelin?" B-J: "Purty Good Doc, Ah think you was right! Ah's gitt'n purty good shape!" Doc: "Excellent, the missus leave off naggin now that yer sex life's improoved?" B-J: "Well it ain't improoved yet. Gimme another seven days tho, cause I'm almost ta Nashville, with my new body, Ah'm shore it'll pick up there." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------- + Loyd, the new employee at the consruction site was habitually late. Finnally, the foreman called him in. "Loyd Don't you know what time we go to work here?" he shouted. "No, sir," was the reply, "I haven't been able to figure it out yet, because the rest of you are already here." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------- + Q: What do they call "Hee Haw" in Oklahoma? A: A documentary. Q: What do they call it in Kentucky? A: `Life Styles Of The Rich And Famous' ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------- + Q: What's a level headed RedNeck? A: One with sh*t coming out BOTH ears. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------- + Didja hear about the RedNeck girl who moved to Detroit and became a secretary for a motorcompany? She saw memo's about tail assemblies, and thought they were talking about company picnics. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------- + Q: Why are there no fly swatters in Kentucky? A: It's against the law to kill the State Bird ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------- + Q: How do you get 12 RedNecks in phone booth? A: Tell 'em it's free phone sex A: Tell 'em Hulk Hogan is calling Q: How do you get 12 RedNecks out of a phone booth? A: Toss in a bar of soap A: Throw in a copy of GQ Q: How do you get them Back in AGAIN? A: Toss a plug inside A: Tell 'em Hulk Hogan is calling back ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------- + Two RedNecks standing around on a sheep farm, during the coldest winter they've had in years. Red turns to Bo and confessed that he really couldn't wait til it was time to shear the flocks. The other nodded, rubbibg his hands together in anticipation. "It'll be great selling the wool, and spending the money on Whiskey and beer, wi-men and pool... won't it?" "Nawh... That ain't it," said Red. "Ah just cain't WAIT ta see'em NAKED!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------- + When Bobby turned 16, his big brother Luke decided to turn him into a `Real Man'. Luke took Bobby down to the local whorehouse and explained to Bobby: "Yer gonna be a `Real Man' now... No more chasen yer sister, or hide'n in the barn. Thair's real wi-men in thair, now go git one." and sent him inside. Once inside, Bobby explained to the madam that he needed a `Real Woman' so he could become a `Real Man'. The madam smiled at him: "Don't worry, my boy, we'll get a nice lass ta take care of ya" she promised. "Ya just do your part and make sure ya wear one of these." at that, the madam took a condom out of a drawer, unwrapped it, and showed him how to put it on, by rolling it down over her thumb. Bobby, properly armed, parted with the money his brother gave him, and dashed up the stairs to Room Twelve, where a cheerful farmgirl quickly showed him the ropes. After he'd come, a from passed over her face. "The #$^% rubber must have torn," she muttered. "I'm as soaked as a swamp..." "Oh no it didn't M'am" Bobby offered heartily, holding up his thumb as evidence. "It's as good as new..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------- + Suzy-Mae was your typical down home RedNeck kinda gal, who moved out to Hollywood. She had great dreams of being discovered and becoming "A famous Movie Star like Dolly and Kenny..." Alas, she found niether fame nor glory, but instead pleanty of men that wanted to enjoy her plentiful charms. One day she was served a summons for court, it appeared that she had been named in a divorce case. When Suzy-Mae's turn to take the stand came, the prosecutor stepped forward: "Miss Suzy-Mae Kincade, the defedant's wife has identified you as `the other womman' in her husband's life, and is now suing foro divorce. Now, do you admit or denie, that you went to the PriceRite Motel with Mr Caruthers?" "Well, Yes..." Acknowledged Suzy-Mae with a sniff and a sob, "But Ah couldn't help it!" "Couldn't help it?" Asked the wife's lawyer derisively. "How's that?!?" "Mr Caruthers deceived Me!" She pouted. "Exactly what so you mean Miss Kincade?" The lawyer asked, on the verge of out right laughter. "Well, Ya see, when we signed in" She explanded indignantly, "He tole the Motel clerk that Ah! was his wife!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------- + I have to say, your list of redneck jokes, etc.. is an absolute classic!!! I'm from W.V., so I'm allowed to say that!! If I find more, I'll tell you. Please keep me anonymous. I might as well tell you one on myself. About 1 1/2 months ago, a man in east Tennessee was arrested for having sex with (you might guess) a dog. My semi-philosophical nature led me into a discussion about this with my roommate. While the first statement out of my mouth in response to him telling me about this was intended to be an enquiry of animal rights, natural rights, and questioning authority for making a moral judgement, I quickly realized my error only after responding: "Why? It wasn't his dog?" My roommate just laughed and reminded me that only someone from West Virginia could have made that response. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------- + A hillbilly kid marries his childhood sweetheart (literally if you know what I mean). Their honeymoon was to take place in a special hunting lodge which is only accessible by train. They get to the station where they wait for 5 hours. Everybody there is getting a little miffed. The bride realizes that she needs to go to the little girls room, and upon returning, she's crying hysterically. Her husband asks her what was up. After a lot of effort, she says, "As I was waiting in line to use the bathroom, I overheard a couple of hunters say that if the train doesn't get here soon, the f****n season will be over. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------- + Bubba: "What is your son going to be when he graduates?" Billy-Joe: "An old man." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------- + Cleatus: "Hey Zeke, where was your son-in-law when you first saw him?" Zeke: "Right smack in the middle of my shotgun sights!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------- + These definitions were taken from "Whut Makes You Thank Teksuns Tawk Funny" a dictionary of the Texas language by Ken Rigsbee The Grayte State uh Teksus defines: Aukerd- clumsy, inept, embarrassing. "Ah shore felt aukerd when thuh outhouse wall fayul down."- awkward Cawdja-past tense of "cawya". "Herd Joe cawdja last night."-Called you Code-opposite of hot. "Ah gotta code."- cold Cuz-normally comes before reason. "Ah didunt go ovur tuh town cuz Ah habumt got no money."- because Everwonsinawhahl-periodically, but frequently. "Ah git tuh drahv mah Pappa's pickem'up truk evurwonsinawhahl."- ever once in a while Frayed- an affirmative or negative response. "Ahm frayed so." or "Ahm frayed not."- afraid Guf- a large body of water for which a previously named large and independent oil company was named ( since bought out). "Thuh closest thang waygot tuh un oshun iz thuh Guf uh Messyco"- gulf ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------- + Q: How many rednecks from does it take to bake chocolate chip cookies? A: Three. One to mix the batter, and his two inbred daughters to peel the M&M's. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------- + Q: How does a `Real Man' know whenever his girlfriend is having an orgasm? A: A `Real Man' doesn't care. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------- + Q: Why do rednecks drive pickup trucks with ridiculously large tires and wear big belt buckles & cowboy boots? A: So when they're screwing calves in the bed of their pickups: #1 They can put a hind leg in each boot and the tail in the belt buckle, thus freeing their hands for a Coors (Jack Daniels, etc.) and a spit cup. #2 The fear of falling from the back of the absurdly high bed encourages the calf to push back. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------- In memory of the passing of humorist Lewis Grizzard. The scene is a big football game between the University of Georgia and Georgia State. The stadium is packed, the game is being shown on national television. Georgia's mascot, a bulldog named UGA, is crossing the field, when suddenly, oblivious to the fact that thousands of fans, and millions more at home are watching, he stops right there on the 50-yard line, and commences to lick himself in the manner in which male dogs are wont to lick themselves. Two good-ole-boys, Bubba and Earl are sitting in the stands. Bubba elbows Earl and says to him, "Dang! Will you look at that! Wish I could do that!" Earl turns to him and says, "That dawg would bite you!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How many country singers does it take to change a lightbulb???? Five. One to change it and four to sing about how much they miss the old one. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What are the three biggest lies a Red Neck male says? 1. No, I really have a diploma. 2. No, she's not my cousin. 3. Honest officer I was only trying to help the sheep over the fence. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY FOR REDNECKS: TERM DEFINITION ------------------------------------------------------------------- ARTERY THE STUDY OF FINE PAINTINGS BARIUM WHAT YOU DO WHEN CPR FAILS BENIGN WHAT YOU ARE AFTER YOU BE EIGHT CESAREAN SECTION A DISTRICT IN ROME COLIC A SHEEP DOG COMA A PUNCTUATION MARK CONGENITAL FRIENDLY DILATE TO LIVE LONG FESTER QUICKER G.I. SERIES BASEBALL GAMES BETWEEN TEAMS OF SOLDIERS GRIPPE A SUITCASE HANGNAIL A COAT HOOK MEDICAL STAFF A DOCTOR'S CANE MINOR OPERATION COAL DIGGING MORBID A HIGHER OFFER NITRATE LOWER THAN DAY RATE NODE WAS AWARE OF ORGANIC CHURCH MUSICIAN OUTPATIENT A PERSON WHO HAS FAINTED POST-OPERATIVE A LETTER CARRIER PROTEIN IN FAVOR OF YOUNG PEOPLE SECRETION HIDING ANYTHING SEROLOGY STUDY OF ENGLISH KNIGHTHOOD TABLET A SMALL TABLE TUMOR AN EXTRA PAIR URINE OPPOSITE OF YOU'RE OUT VARICOSE VEINS VEINS WHICH ARE VERY CLOSE TOGETHER -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call the layer of sweat between two rednecks having sex? A: Relative Humidity. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- NEWS FLASH: The teachers' strike in WV has been settled: The dispute was over sex education. It has been agreed that sex education will be taught on Tuesdays and Thursdays. On Monday, Wednesday and Friday, drivers' ed. gets the car. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The state government of WV is suing the Detroit car makers: They want them to put the dimmer switch back on the floor because too many West Virginans are getting their feet tangled up in the steering wheel and causing wrecks. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when you cross the border into Texas? Shit becomes a two-syllable word, as in "wayel, sheeyit" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Canadian cowboy walked into the Calgary lingerie store and in some embarrassment asked for a bra for his wife. Clerk: "What size is she, sir?" Cowboy: Sheepishly "7 3/8 Clerk: Bewildered "Sorry, sir, bras don't come in such sizes." Cowboy: "But, I took the measurement myself." Clerk: "With what did you measure?" Cowboy: "My Stetson...." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- True story from Kentucky: A friend's car battery needed water. She phoned the nearest convenience store and asked, "Do you have distilled water?" The reply: "I don't know; we just got in a new bunch of videos and I haven't checked all the titles." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- OLD HUNTERS never die, they just stay LOADED OLD MILKMAIDS never die, they just lose their whey OLD TANNERS never die, they just go into hiding OLD TRUCK DRIVERS never die; they just get a new Peterbilt OLD WRESTLERS never die, they just lose their grip -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia. According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of the returns." In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length. |
 Sign Guestbook |
 View Guestbook |
 Freind2@excite.com |
|
. |
| Visitors: 01151 |