Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Pick_Up_Lines

= pick-up rebuttal humor =-= 9 =--------------------------------------------

He: You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you.
She: (tries to ignore him)
He: You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that?
She: Hmmm...you really love sex and travel?
He: (nods his head smiling)
She: Then go take a fuckin' hike!!!

-= pick-up rebuttal humor =-= 10 =--------------------------------------------

I like the line I once heard in a movie. This guy was trying to pick up this
girl, and she said to him, "Can you pound a railroad spike through a 2x4 with
your hard-on?" To which he merely shudders a negative. She says, "Well, a
girl's gotta have her standards."

-= pick-up rebuttal humor =-= 11 =--------------------------------------------

Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
(Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)

Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter.
(I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)

-= pick-up rebuttal humor =-= 12 =--------------------------------------------

Q: What sign were you born under?
A: No Parking.

-= pick-up rebuttal humor =-= 13 =--------------------------------------------

A guy comes up to a girl and tells her some pick-up line. She grabs his crotch,
looks down at it, looks back at him, and says, "Sorry, I don't see any potential
here" and nonchalantly walks off.

-= pick-up rebuttal humor =-= 14 =--------------------------------------------

And here's one including the correct snappy return
He: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
She: Unfertilized, fuck off!

-= pick-up rebuttal humor =-= 15 =--------------------------------------------

After hearing a pick-up line:
I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

-= pick-up rebuttal humor =-= 16 =--------------------------------------------

A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club
while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She
took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born
yet."

-= pick-up rebuttal humor =-= 17 =--------------------------------------------

A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were
walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She
turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?" My friend, walking
next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was
mistaken."

-= pick-up rebuttal humor =-= 18 =--------------------------------------------

Man: Come sit on my face!
Woman: Why? Is your nose longer than your dick?
Man: No, your cunt smells better than your breath!

-= pick-up rebuttal humor =-= 19 =--------------------------------------------

While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been
rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained how she
handled it once...

When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey,
come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yea!
Let's pick up come chicks!" He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he
would look someplace else.

-= pick-up rebuttal humor =-= 20 =--------------------------------------------

The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the lounge
lizard made his move. "I'm here," he breathed huskily, "to fulfill your every
sexual fantasy."
The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she moistened them
with the tip of her tongue. She leaned toward him with her hands on her thighs,
and her eyes opened to the size of dinner plates. She paused just a second and
then delivered the crusher line, "You've got a large donkey or Doberman?"
The guy turned as green as his golf slacks and slipped away without a word.

-= pick-up rebuttal humor =-= 21 =--------------------------------------------

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

-= pick-up rebuttal humor =-= 22 =--------------------------------------------

He: Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time.
She: You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body
can't cash.

===============================================================
=================
== HUMOROUS PERSONAL ADS
=======================================================
-= humorous personal ads =-= 1 =---------------------------------------------

Universal Generic Personal Ad - Form #IMA10
Suitable for all personal ads in printed or electronic formats.

(Place an 'x' on all that applies)

Title:
======

[ ] Man Wants Women For Hot Sex [ ] Woman Wants Men For Hot Sex
[ ] Sex! Sex! Sex! [ ] Love! Marriage! Babies!
[ ] SWM iso SWF [ ] SWF iso SWM
[ ] SWM iso S*F [ ] SWF iso S*M

Greeting:
=========

[ ] Hi! [ ] Hello there!
[ ] Hello folks!
[ ] Hail thee, Avatar! [ ] Greetings to you, earthling!

Introduction:
=============

My name is ________ and I want to get a lot of

[ ] dates [ ] marriage propositions
[ ] postcards and mail [ ] happy birthday e-mail

I am in search of (check one from each of the four columns)

[ ] [ ] Single [ ] White [ ] Male
[ ] [ ] Married [ ] Black [ ] Female
[ ] [ ] Heterosexual [ ] Hispanic [ ] Eunuch
[ ] [ ] Bisexual [ ] Asian [ ] Hermaphrodite
[ ] [ ] Gay [ ] Jewish [ ]
[ ] [ ] Polygamous [ ] [ ]
[ ] [ ] Sterile [ ] [ ]

I want to meet or correspond with

[ ] a woman [ ] a lot of women
[ ] a man [ ] a lot of men
[ ] interesting people [ ] boring people like myself
[ ] nobody [ ] anybody
[ ] somebody who understands me [ ] friends on a platonic basis
[ ] Elvis [ ] friends from previous lives

I am ___ years old.
I am ___ years old, but I actually look 20 years younger.
I am ___ years old, but the 30 year age difference between us doesn't matter.
I am ___ months old.

Interests:
==========

[ ] no interests [ ] sleeping or yawning
[ ] sex, sex, sex, and more sex [ ] being tied up and spanked good
[ ] all kinds of sports [ ] working out with 800-pound weights
[ ] cats and dogs [ ] sheep and chickens
[ ] all forms of music [ ] all music except country/western
[ ] country/western music and dancing [ ] all music except country/western
[ ] throwing bananas out of trains [ ] collecting toenail clippings
[ ] watch wet paint dry [ ] watch CNN and The Weather Channel
[ ] watch performance art [ ] read books and write poetry
[ ] opera, theatre, performing oral [ ] football, golf, cooking, and
sex, and everything else men like everything else all men like

Personal Attributes:
====================

[ ] I smoke [ ] I drink
[ ] I smoke, drink, and cuss [ ] I am a social drinker
[ ] I am free of drugs and disease [ ]

Ending:
=======

[ ] Bye [ ] Hope to hear from you soon
[ ] Hope that your ASCII-strings will [ ] Maybe we can get in contact
flash on my monitor very soon telepathically? (level 7, sphere 3)
[ ] Let me express my deepest thanks
in advance that you molest me with
your e-mail!

Signature:
==========

[ ] I've Never Do This Before
[ ] I Can Get Plenty Of Dates Without This Ad
[ ] Sleepless in Bosnia

-= humorous personal ads =-= 2 =---------------------------------------------

Lusty full-figured gal wants a younger man to fondle.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 3 =---------------------------------------------

Feisty Rubenesque SWF seeks compassionate understanding SWM to hold her hands
and watch her while she eats.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 4 =---------------------------------------------

Abracadabra! Your money will disappear on two long-legged attractive SWF
seeking generous Sugar Daddy type. Age unimportant.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 5 =---------------------------------------------

Help! Gentle professional DWM having rough time with mid-life crisis. Losing
my graying hair is no fun all by myself. Seeking SWF 18-30 to bring me to life
and rescue me from the depths of depression.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 6 =---------------------------------------------

Talented, twisted DWF, 50ish, seeks sensual Svengali to skinny me up and
inspire trashy bestseller. Non-smoking 40ish, plastic surgeon perfect.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 7 =---------------------------------------------

Hey Hey Hey Hey

Girrrrl, are you lucky you read this ad! I'm between girlfriends. How lucky can
you get? Send me a photo and note about yourself. Hurry! Before I'm taken
again.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 8 =---------------------------------------------

Wanted: Modern Primitive

Must be into tatoos and piercing, great sense of humor a prerequisite. Tall
blonde with long legs enjoys working out, cycling, and eating lots of meat.
Let's watch Beavis and Butthead together.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 9 =---------------------------------------------

Heh - Heh - Heh!!!

Uhhh, two crazy college girls looking for Beavis and Butthead to make us laugh.
Suicidal band members need not apply.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 10 =---------------------------------------------

Wacky English Wench

SWF, 40, cuddly Piscean, into theatre, cooking, simple fun, and felines. Desires
40ish SW chum; independent, cocksure, clever, quick witted.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 11 =---------------------------------------------

Vivacious DWF, 47, seeks new husband with similar personality. Must have own
teeth.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 12 =---------------------------------------------

Handsome mainframe with good connections seeks cute micro with nice peripherals.
Object: plug-to-plug compatibility.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 13 =---------------------------------------------

Depressed male, 28, homely looking, short and fat, uncultured, absolute bore,
financial failure, seeks similar woman, 20-32 for meaningless relationship.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 14 =---------------------------------------------

The following is from the Pasadena Weekly May 11-17,1989 classified.

Gunslinger Wanted

Desperate neighborhood needs expert sharpshooter w/BB gun to run off psychotic
mockingbird. Pay $20 American.

Followed by name and phone number of contact.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 15 =---------------------------------------------

From "Mad" Magazine:

Occult-Vegetarian-Ambidextrous, Truck-driving Republican juggler wishes to meet
woman of similar interests. Zack, Box 90

-= humorous personal ads =-= 16 =---------------------------------------------

From "Mad" Magazine:

Undercover Espionage Agent, 29, would like to meet nice woman 18-30 for
romantic, lasting relationship. Don't bother to write, I already know where you
live. Call 567-1234, preferably from an untapped pay phone.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 17 =---------------------------------------------

From "Mad" Magazine:

Handsome, but not wealthy, gentleman can only afford a 5-line personal ad. I'm
a smart, good-looking nice guy who'd like to meet pretty, sensitive woman. Call
me at xxx-yyyy

-= humorous personal ads =-= 18 =---------------------------------------------

From "Mad" Magazine:

Idiots Need Love Too - If you enjoy walking into movies after they've started,
throwing out good furniture, and locking your friends in closets, we already
have three things in common! Let's get together and find out how many other
negative personality traits we share. Spunky, Box 2.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 19 =---------------------------------------------

From "Mad" Magazine:

Financially Unstable Man - I owe everyone money. If you're not one of my
creditors, I'd like to meet you. Send phone, mine was repossessed. Stanley, Box
44

-= humorous personal ads =-= 20 =---------------------------------------------

From "Mad" Magazine:

Physician, 35 - Desires to meet that special woman with real inner beauty. Send
X-rays to: Dr. Mellonchop, Box 67.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 21 =---------------------------------------------

From "Mad" Magazine:

Compulsive Liar - Seeks beautiful woman to share my million dollar chateau on
the French Riviera. Flatbush Max, Box 12.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 22 =---------------------------------------------

From "Mad" Magazine:

Man, nonsmoking, nondrinking, noneating, nonbreathing, actually, I'm dead. I
need someone to bury me. Box 57.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 23 =---------------------------------------------

From "Mad" Magazine:

SWF - Seeks SWF to tell me what SWF means. Box 85

-= humorous personal ads =-= 24 =---------------------------------------------

From "Mad" Magazine:

Large Woman Seeks Larger Man - So I will look smaller in comparison. Photos a
must. Box 841.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 25 =---------------------------------------------

From "Austin Chronicle" weekly:

Low mileage 1964 WF sport model, nice interior, sleek exterior seeks 1958-68 WM
2-door model to possibly share driveway. No minivans, carseats, or additives.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 26 =---------------------------------------------

From the Yorkshire Post:

Successful businessman widower seeks affectionate understanding female to shave
the enjoyable things in life.

(I still think it's a misprint.)

-= humorous personal ads =-= 27 =---------------------------------------------

Slim white male, 35, seeks attractive white female, 27. Must have tatoo (dogs,
butterflies, okay; no rainbows, gnomes or battle scenes). Must own late model
foreign car with radial tires (and snows). Should be well tanned, blue eyed,
blonde, (sunny yellow, not platinum or dishwater), and have own luggage. Must be
T'ai Chi expert and familiar with multiple bodyrub techniques. Must have own
chili recipie (no celery). Must bathe, not shower. Must have working command of
Latin (hear it, speak it, order and hail cabs in it). Must have own flesh-pulley
equipment and collection of travelogues, intermission reels, and wrestling
magazines (circa 1950-54, good to mint condition, bagged for clean and easy
storage). Must possess own lifelike false face and iron-on refrigerator decals.
Can be pensive but not moody. Must dig roller opera. Must possess lots (I mean
it) of ketchup.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 28 =---------------------------------------------

Sprightly leprechaun seeks shamrock nymph to be my lovely lass. You are two
feet tall, love all things green, and have a deep appreciation for marshmallows.
I am cheery-giddy, fortified with eight essential vitamins, and magically
delicious! No IRA, please. L. Charms, Dublin.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 29 =---------------------------------------------

Fat balding smelly lazy repulsive unemployed WM oaf seeks voluptuous female love
slave to fetch beer, change channels, pick up dirty clothes, and suck toes.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 30 =---------------------------------------------

SWF seeks live M, age 16-100+, for immediate marriage. Willing to beg.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 31 =---------------------------------------------

SWM, 39, enjoys assault rifles, heaving drinking, and testosterone. Seeks
like-minded SF, W only, to listen to political conspiracy theories and help
stock secluded fallout shelter.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 32 =---------------------------------------------

SWF, 25, enjoys poetry recitals, interpretive dance, herb tea, New Age music,
communing with Gaian nature spirits, and jello sculpting. Seeks aloof, analytic
WM mechanical engineer.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 33 =---------------------------------------------

SWM, 29, wide range of interests including Star Trek, Dr. Who, Babylon 5,
Battlestar Galactica, Power Rangers, and Sea Quest. Still ISO compatible SWF.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 34 =---------------------------------------------

Adventurous WC want to meet other WCs interested in underwater bondage with
scuba gear and albino livestock. No weirdos.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 35 =---------------------------------------------

SM parrot ISO SF parrot. Pretty boy. Gimme kiss!

-= humorous personal ads =-= 36 =---------------------------------------------

Fat, bloated pig seeks princess with an open mind.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 37 =---------------------------------------------

5'5", 39, DW Anthropoidette, Jewish by injection, seeks DW/SW NS simian,
vertically or otherwise inclined, for mutual hunting, gathering, or grooming.
Casual replies only.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 38 =---------------------------------------------

SWF seeks strong, sensitive man with a tall, dark body. I'm overweight and
unemployed but you will like me anyway.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 39 =---------------------------------------------

Lonely, lost, loser with diminished hopes seeks similar SWF to share bad times
together.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 40 =---------------------------------------------

Are you the man with the scar on his face who met me at the carnival? Please
reply. SWF.

-= humorous personal ads =-= 41 =---------------------------------------------

The Metro Times in the Detroit, MI area runs a competition for the best
"Personal Ad", and gives a $15 gift certificate to a local music store as the
prize. This one won in the latest issue:

Ad Of The Week:

I am black and a woman. With children being slaughtered in Rowanda. What
difference does it make how big my breasts are, how long my legs are, or how
much money you or I make? To hell with long walks, holding hands, candle lit
dinners, and all of that other crap that people never continue doing after the
first date anyway; that didn't even take place in Cinderella (I've seen the
movie). If there is a man out there who:
isn't a crackhead or crack dealer,
isn't an alcoholic,
doesn't have any kids,
doesn't smoke,
doesn't beat women,
isn't wearing women's underwear as you're reading this ad,
isn't a liar,
isn't looking for fun behind his wife's back,
isn't into being hit, peed on, or tied up while having sex,
doesn't want to hit, pee on or tie me up while having sex,
likes having sex,
CAN have sex,
is not
in jail,
on probation,
has a court date pending,
isn't a
misogynist,
racist,
classist,
elitist,
lawyer,
politician,
member of the military,
policeman (Malice Green, Rodney King),
bible boy, or
a pompous ass.
What you have to be is HONEST, HONEST, HONEST!!! If you're out there, if you
exist, call me. Please don't make me give up on men. Prefer letters.

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