Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Pick_Up_Lines

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Actually, ma'am, ah'm not as tall as you think. Ah'm from Taixus, and ah'm
sittin' on mah wallet.

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Hey! Ya wanna try out my new 'Home Artificial Insemination Kit?'

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I am writing a new algorithm, and I need some test data. What are your
measurements?

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I have some hard code I want to try your compiler on.

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From Late Night with David Letterman:

Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines

10. I'm down here.
9. Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy.
8. I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi.
7. I can get you off the naughty list.
6. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys.
5. I'm a magical being. Take off your bra..
4. No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler
3. I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man.
2. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.
1. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners.

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Stare at a guy/girl for a long time, and when he/she notices for the second or
third time, go up to him/her and say...

I'm sorry for staring at you, but you look very much like someone I used to
date.

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Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room?

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Excuse me, mind if I stare at you for a minute? I want to remember your face
for my dreams.

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Excuse me for staring at you, but I just love the view.

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Sometimes it can be helpful to start with a complement. Example: after
"accidently" bumping her boobs, noticing a loose button, etc., say, "If they
weren't sooo large, it wouldn't have happened."

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Hey, somebody farted. Let's get out of here.

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I want you. Let's get out of here.

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Are you busy the rest of the month?
or
Are you busy tonight at 3:00 A.M.?

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The most common pick-up line used in a gay bar:

May I push in your stool?

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I have only three months to live.
(Heard it in a movie; of course, this was all before AIDS.)
or
I'm filthy rich and have only six weeks to live. Will you help me make these
next few weeks the happiest days of my life?

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Love is like a rug. So you can walk all over me and lie on me.

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Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers?
No.
Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.

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Chicks dig me. I wear colored underwear.

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You aren't wearing underwear, are you?

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Excuse me, is it true that you're a sexual tyrannosaurus?

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I'm a co-pilot for American Airlines.

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Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

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Excuse me, do you have change for a $100 bill?

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When is our wedding date?

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Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?

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Will you marry me for just one night?

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Lines by women:
Please may I rest my head on your shoulder?
Do you know how to use this? (holding up a vibrator)
How about a night of passion in Doncaster?

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He: What was that?
She: What was what?
He: That sound.
She: I didn't hear anything.
He: It was the sound of my heart breaking.

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Excuse me, can you give me directions?
To where?
To your heart.

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Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.

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I can raise your blood pressure.

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I'm an organ donor, need anything?

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You've got the whitest teeth I've ever come across.

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Excuse me, but I couldn't help but notice that you have a very sexy overbite.

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Weren't you a woman the last time we met?

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Do you have room in your life for a new friend?

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Excuse me, do you think we might possibly have a mutual friend who could
introduce us.

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The only reason that I would kick you out of bed would be to fuck you on the
floor.

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Hey baby, I want to lick your thighs.

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Hey, baby, wanna lock crotches and swap gravy?

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Gorgeous hair. But it'd be even better brushing against my thighs.

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Approach a girl and say, "Do you like jewels."
Then lob your dick out and say, "Suck this, it's a gem!

Or do you like chicken? Suck this, it's pretty foul!

Or do you like pork? Suck this, it's dripping!"

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What nice legs you've got. I wouldn't mind wearing them as a belt, or neck tie
if you prefer.

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Just where do those legs of yours end?

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Are your legs tired because you've been running through my mind all day?

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Nice socks. Can I try them on after we have sex?

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I'd gladly give up my celibacy/virginity to be with you.

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I know there are thousands of perfect guys out there in the world, but only
three of us don't watch football.

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Uh, oh. My parents met at a place like this. Let's get the hell out of here.

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What is a classy place like this doing around a girl like you?

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As long as I have a face, you'll have a place to sit.

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Female to guy: Hi, you look like a real wanker. (pause for effect)

The guys usually spend so much time trying to convince you that they're not a
"wanker" (that ego thingy) that in the end, they are trying to pick *you* up!
A snake charmer!

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Want a break tonight?

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You're the spitting image of my dead girlfriend.

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My leech would like you as a new host.

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I think my medication is wearing off.

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You MUST have a nice personality.

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Does my breath smell okay?

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Pull my finger.

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He: You look like my third wife.
She: Oh, how many time have you been married?
He: Twice.

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Hi, my name's Ron, how do you like me so far?

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Hi, my name's Dave. Remember it, you'll be screaming it later tonight!

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Guy: What's your name?
Girl: Danielle
Guy: Oh... I thought it was Aphrodite.

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My name is Jeffrey Dahmer and you would make a fine dessert.

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Italian girl: My name is Tomassina. Call me Tom for short.
He: Right. Call me Huck.

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My name is Jeffrey, but you can call me anything at all. Just call me.

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Hello, my name is Grimm. Fancy a bed-side story?

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My name is Steve, but you can call me tonight.

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Hi, my friend wants to know what your name is.

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Perhaps use this line at a business dinner on someone whom you've been eyeing
since this afternoon at the business meetings...

Let's talk about 'early retirement.'

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If I could be anything, I'd love to be your bathwater (or body lotion).

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I'd love to be a bar of soap in your shower.

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I'd love to be the sod under your feet.

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I love every bone in your body. Especially mine!
or
I love every muscle in your body. Especially mine!

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There is much more here than what meets the eye.

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You are the reason men fall in love.

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I was, am, and will forever be crazy about you.

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I bet I could guess your weight if you sat on my face.

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Wanna play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess your
weight.

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Sit on my face and let me get to nose you better!

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Ohhh, what a man...I bet you do real well with the ladies.

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Nothing like a man who knows how to whisper sweet "nothings".

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I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.

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You're so sweet, you're gonna put sugar out of business.

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You're so sweet, you're giving me a toothache.

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How much do you weigh, Debbie? C'mere, pull up a seat!

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Are you free tonight or will it cost me?

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Got a soggy bun for a lonely weenie?

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Hey, come here often? You could, with me.

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You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women (or
men) look really bad.

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I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

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Spoken with a fake foreign accent:

Hi, I'm new to this country and you are the prettiest sight I've see so far.
Can you give me a tour of your body?

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How about a pizza and a fuck? Hey!!! Don't you like pizza?

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Want to go get a pizza and then screw?

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He: Hey! How about we go to my house, have some pizza, beer, and a fuck?
She: (grimaces)
He: What's the matter? Don't like pizza?

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He: Hi, what's the color of your hair?
She: (tells him)
He: And the hair on your head?

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He: Excuse me, want to dance?
She: No.
He: Maybe you didn't hear me... I said you look really fat in those pants!

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Gee...you sure don't perspire much!

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I'm sensing the intense feeling you have for me...is it my cologne?
or
I'm sensing the intense feeling you have for me...is it my deodorant?

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You're the one I've been saving this drink/seat/ticket to Hawaii/whatever for.

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Are you the one?

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Is your dad a baker?
No.
If not, where did you get those buns?

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Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!

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Oh excuse me! I thought you were a moose.

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Ya know, if we cut your arms off, you'd look just like Venus de Milo.

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In a restaurant:

Mmmm, this [food item] is delicious...but nothing would ever taste as good as
you look...or as you taste.

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In a restaurant:

This menu looks good, but you're the most delicious thing here.

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Do you always eat like that?

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My god, Darwin was right! You have got the fittest body I've ever seen!

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Your body is like a haiku in motion.

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The better the batter, the better the butter.

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You know, I'm not just an interesting person, I have a nice body, too.

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What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this??

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Hi, are those really yours?

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Page Updated Wed Jun 9, 1999 11:14am EDT