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Bar Jokes
Bar Jokes 1Bar Jokes 2Bar Jokes 3Bar Jokes 4Bar Jokes 5Bar Jokes 6Bar Jokes 7Bar Jokes 8Bar Jokes 9Bar Jokes 10Bar Jokes 11Bar Jokes 12Bar Jokes 13Bar Jokes 14Barney Jokes
Barney Jokes 1Barney Jokes 2Blonde Jokes
Dumb Blonde JokesBlonde Jokes 1Buisness Jokes
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Education 1Education 2Education 3The Nerdy Test Part 1The Nerdy Test Part 2Elephant 1Elephant Jokes
Elephant 3Elephant 2Holiday Jokes
Holiday JokesHoliday Jokes 2Holiday Jokes 3Holiday Jokes 4Just do it Jokes
Just do it jokes A to EJust do it Jokes E to IJust Do It Jokes J to QJust Do It Jokes R to ZMen and Weman Jokes
Men and Weman Jokes 1Men and Weman 2Men and Weman Jokes 3Men and Weman Jokes 4Men And Weman Jokes 5Micellanious
63 Ways to tick of a CopMiscellaneous Jokes
Miscellaneous Jokes 1Music Jokes
Music Jokes 1Pick Up Lines
Pick Up Lines 1Pick Up Lines 2Pick Up Lines 3Pick Up Lines 4Pick Up LinesPick Up Lines 6Pick Up Lines 7Practical jokes
Practical Jokes 1Practical Jokes 2Practical Jokes 3Practical Jokes 4Practical Jokes 5Practical Jokes 6Red Neck Jokes
Red Neck Jokes 1Red Neck Jokes 2Red Neck Jokes 3Yo Mamma Jokes
Yo Mamma is so FatMicellanious Yo Mamma Jokes 1Micellanious Yo Mamma Jokes 2Yo Mamma Jokes 2|
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| == ACCORDION =============================================================== ==== -= accordion =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------------------- An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats. -= accordion =-= 2 =--------------------------------------------------------- What is the definition of an optimist? An accordion player with a pager. -= accordion =-= 3 =--------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between an Uzi and an accordion? The Uzi stops after 20 rounds. =============================================================== ================= == BAGPIPES =============================================================== ===== -= bagpipes =-= 1 =---------------------------------------------------------- Why do bagpipers walk when they play? To get away from the noise. =============================================================== ================= == BANJO =============================================================== ======== -= banjo =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------------- How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb? Only 1, but all the others gathered 'round will complain that that's not the way Earl (Scruggs) would have done it. -= banjo =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------------- How can you tell the stage you're playing on is level? The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth. -= banjo =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor? You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard. -= banjo =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------------------- Why do so many fishermen own banjos? They make great anchors! -= banjo =-= 5 =------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo? They make good paddles. -= banjo =-= 6 =------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? A chain saw has a dynamic range. or You can turn off a chainsaw. -= banjo =-= 7 =------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw? One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird. -= banjo =-= 8 =------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a banjo and a Harley-Davidson motorcycle? You can tune a Harley. -= banjo =-= 9 =------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun? An Uzi only repeats 40 times. -= banjo =-= 10 =------------------------------------------------------------- Why does everyone hate a banjo right off? Saves time. -= banjo =-= 11 =------------------------------------------------------------- Then again, there's always the blue-grass player's motto: If you pick it, it won't heal. And the bluegrass corollary: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friend on your saddle. -= banjo =-= 12 =------------------------------------------------------------- If you practice, tune, make a sound check, and sit down to play, it's folk music. Otherwise, it's bluegrass. -= banjo =-= 13 =------------------------------------------------------------- Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's best friend? Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth. -= banjo =-= 14 =------------------------------------------------------------- The banjo is such a happy instrument. You can't play a sad song on the banjo; it always comes out so cheerful. -= banjo =-= 15 =------------------------------------------------------------- How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs? By their names. -= banjo =-= 16 =------------------------------------------------------------- What is the most seldom heard comment made of banjo players? "Say, isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?" -= banjo =-= 17 =------------------------------------------------------------- What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? Will the defendant please rise. -= banjo =-= 18 =------------------------------------------------------------- A banjo rap song: "Them Banjo Pickers," by Mason Williams How 'bout them banjo pickers, ain't they fine? Same damn song for three or four times. Them banjo pickers, all they know Is Cumberland Gap and do-si-do Them banjo pickers talking 'bout strings Banjo pegs and other such things Them banjo pickers, them poker-faced mugs They never do smile, they just play Scruggs You want to be a banjo picker you don't need a ticket Just get yourself a banjo, rare back and pick it! -= banjo =-= 19 =------------------------------------------------------------- Ten Easy Steps To Better Banjo Playing The Doc Stock Banjo Method (Or: Any Jerk Can Play the Banjo, So Why Not You Too?) by Jim Rosenstock Lesson 1: beat it! The most common mistake of the beginning banjo player is to play too gently. True, musical instruments require great care and special handling, but banjos should not be confused with these. There are three basic licks that are used in playing the banjo: the hit (abbreviated "h" in tablature), the harder hit ("H") and the beat ("B"). Learn these licks, and soon you'll be able to play anything! Remember - Hit 'em again, HARDER, HARDER! Lesson 2: Stage Presence A dignified stage presence will do more than anything else to create the impression that you are a serious, professional musician. This is to be avoided at all costs - you have a reputation to maintain, after all! While playing on stage, you should: (1) slouch, (2) drool, (3) pick nose, (4) bump fiddler, (5) cross eyes, (6) pour beer on self, and/or (7) stare off into space. The more you can do at once, the better. Lesson 3: Tuning your banjo Musicians make a very big deal about "getting in tune." Fortunately, you're a banjo player, and therefore need not be so hung up. There are three basic ways to tune a banjo: 1) With a tuning fork: Tap the fork on a hard surface. Listen to the clear bell-like tone. Make sure none of your strings duplicate this tone. 2) With an electric tuner: Tap the tuner on a hard surface. Continue as with method (1). 3) With a fiddle: Tap the fiddle on a hard surface. Continue as above. Lesson 4: Tunes and Tablature It's a well-kept secret that there are really only four tunes in old-time music: the G tune, the A tune, the D tune and the C tune. It's an even better-kept secret that these four tunes sound exactly the same. Tablature is a simplified form of musical notation used by musicians to preserve music on paper. AVOID ALL TABLATURE - you will get nowhere as a banjo player by imitating musicians. Lesson 5: Drugs, FastFret (TM), pizza, strawberry pie and banjo playing Just say, "Why not?" Lesson 6: Playing with musicians Playing with musicians is always scary for the beginning banjo player. You should not be intimidated, though, because musicians like to have a banjo player of two around. Even the most mediocre group of musicians will sound great by contrast when a banjo player is added. So get in there and start jamming. Lesson 7: Banjo paraphernalia A capo allows the banjo player, once out of tune in one key, to quickly be out of tune in any other key. A case protects your banjo from abuse, except when it is being played. This is really unimportant, but where else can you put all your cool bumper stickers? A dog will follow a banjo player around and keep everyone uncertain as to which is responsible for the odor. Beer is the experienced banjo player's favorite liquid to spill on the dance floor, dancers, and/or musicians. Sometimes it is filtered through the kidneys first. Lesson 8: Name that tune As mentioned previously, there are only four tunes, and they all sound the same. It is definitely uncool, however, to let on in public that you know this, so here's a list of titles for The Tune: Turkey in the Straw, Bug in the Taters, Paddy on the Turnpike, Fire on the Mountain, Billy in the Lowground, Drugs in the Urine Sample, Christ on a Crutch, Monkey in the Dog Cart, Logs in the Bedpan, Ducks in the Millpond, Pigeon on a Gate Post, Water on the Knee. Lesson 9: Three myths dispelled Myth No. 1: It takes hard work and talent to play the banjo. Fact: The only talent most banjo players have is a talent for avoiding hard work. Myth No. 2: You can make good money playing the banjo. Fact: People will frequently pay you much better money to stop. Myth No. 3: Your banjo will make you friends wherever you go. Fact: This is only true if you never go anywhere. Lesson 10: The Universal Banjo Tune ----H----B---h---B----------H-------B---B-H-------- --h---H--B---------B--------H---H---B-H-B---H------ ---------B-----h-----B------H-B---------B-----H---- -----------h-----------h----------h---------------- ------------------------------------------------B-- h=hit it! H=hit it harder! B=beat it! This article is from the February 1990 issue of The Daily Clog, Julie Mangin, Editor. =============================================================== ================= == BASS =============================================================== ========= -= bass =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which one. -= bass =-= 2 =-------------------------------------------------------------- How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first. or Six. One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light. -= bass =-= 3 =-------------------------------------------------------------- This guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks "Wow, this is cool." He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears drums. He TRIES to go to sleep, he hears drums. This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can't sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk. When he gets there, he asks the manager, "Hey! What's with these drums. Don't they ever stop? I can't get any sleep." The manager says, "No! Drums must NEVER stop. Very bad if drums stop." "Why?" "When drums stop...bass solo begins." -= bass =-= 4 =-------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car? It took him four hours to get the bass player out. -= bass =-= 5 =-------------------------------------------------------------- How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? None, the piano player can do that with his left hand. =============================================================== ================= == BASSOON =============================================================== ====== -= bassoon =-= 1 =----------------------------------------------------------- What is another name for a bassoon? A farting bedpost. -= bassoon =-= 2 =----------------------------------------------------------- Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bassoon recital. =============================================================== ================= == CELLO =============================================================== ======== -= cello =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a cello and a coffin? The coffin has the corpse on the inside. -= cello =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------------- Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? So you don't have to retrain the cellists. -= cello =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------------- How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo? Write 'pp, espressivo'. -= cello =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------------------- Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands and all you can do is scratch it. - Sir Thomas Beecham to a female cellist -= cello =-= 5 =------------------------------------------------------------- A young woman is taking cello lessons. She's not all that good and during a particularly lamentable practice session, her teacher can't stand it any more and says, "Lady, you've got between your legs an instrument that, if adequately caressed, could give boundless pleasure to you and thousands of other people; and the only thing you seem to be able to do is to scratch and scratch it!" =============================================================== ================= == CLARINET =============================================================== ===== -= clarinet =-= 1 =---------------------------------------------------------- Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard? So they can park in the handicap zones. -= clarinet =-= 2 =---------------------------------------------------------- What's the definition of a nerd? Somone who owns their own alto clarinet. -= clarinet =-= 3 =---------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces. -= clarinet =-= 4 =---------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a bass-clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted. =============================================================== ================= == DRUMS =============================================================== ======== -= drums =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------------- How can you tell when there is a drummer at your front door? The knocking gets faster. -= drums =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door? The knocking gets slower. -= drums =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a drum solo's really bad? The bass player notices. -= drums =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------------------- Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses? So they don't disgrace themselves at the parade. -= drums =-= 5 =------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer. -= drums =-= 6 =------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a drummer who has just broken up with his girlfriend? Homeless. -= drums =-= 7 =------------------------------------------------------------- How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in. or One, but only after asking "Why?" ("Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?") or Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb). or Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins. or None. They have a machine that does that now. -= drums =-= 8 =------------------------------------------------------------- Hey, buddy, how late does the band play? Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer. -= drums =-= 9 =------------------------------------------------------------- There's a five pound note on the floor. Which of a thrash guitarist, a drummer who keeps good time, and a drummer who keeps bad time picks it up? The drummer who keeps bad time. The other drummer doesn't exist and the thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway. -= drums =-= 10 =------------------------------------------------------------- If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum. |
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