Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Men_and_Weman_Jokes

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 57 =--------------------------------------

Are you a heterosexual, monogamous male? The latest research indicates that
there a dozens of HMM's in our nation's armed services alone. Of course, many
straight men are afraid to come out and openly express their true feelings
towards women and fidelity. They may be afraid to face the ridicule of those in
the majority of Americans who find it hard to accept the premise that a man
could possibly want to become and stay married to a person of the opposite sex.
They may fear discrimination in the workplace, or possibly in finding suitable
housing where they can be free to live the "straight" lifestyle. Some HMM's are
afraid that their unpopular views may result in them being branded "politically
incorrect". Tragically, many Americans may be HMM's and not even know it.
Are you a HMM? Are you sure? Could you possibly be running from the
heterosexual trapped within you? Don't be afraid. Answer the questions below
and add up your score. You might just surprise yourself.
1. Are you a biological male?
(10 points for yes. 5 points if you had to check your driver's license.)
2. Which term best describes you?
(Married to only one Woman = 5 points; Engaged to only one Woman = 3
points, Dating only one Woman = 2 points; Dating several women, or at
least not dating any men = 1 point.)
3. If you had to watch one of the following movies ("Patton", "The
Magnificent Seven", "Thelma and Louise", "The Longest Yard", "The Dirty
Dozen"), which would you choose?
(5 points for any response except "Thelma and Louise".)
4. Give yourself 1 point for each of the following statements which is true
of you:
I own a dog.
I own a gun.
I like Clint Eastwood movies.
I wear lots of plaid, flannel shirts.
I won't drink espresso.
I have purchased power tools for myself in the last month.
I secretly believe that I could have whipped Mike Tyson.
I wish Mel Gibson would keep his pants on.
I don't see what's so funny about Homer Simpson.
I don't need a man's attention to make me feel attractive.
If you scored between 20 and 30 points, you could quite possibly be a HMM.
Of course, a married lesbian who shops from the Eddie Bauer catalog, likes
Charles Bronson, has a new power sander, a pit bull, and a Colt Python
.45, would score quite high as well.
HMM is a political advocacy group dedicated to the pursuit of equal rights
for heterosexual monogamous males like you. We have formed in response to the
death of the Republican party on November 3, 1992 (extensively reported by the
media). The way we see it, we can either whine and snivel like the liberals have
been doing for the last twelve years, or we can suck right up to the Clinton
administration and grab every bit of preferential treatment that the other
special interest groups receive.
It will not be easy. There are enemies of HMM in the Democratic party,
enemies that have been playing the oppressed minority game far longer than we.
They may try to tell us that we don't belong. They may try to brand us as
"politically incorrect" (we prefer the gentler "politically challenged"). The
beauty of it is that they have to take us, or risk losing their claim to being
the party of inclusion.
Our aim is to become one of them. To become part of the political inside. To
scratch and claw, accuse and threaten, protest and plead, until we have earned
our place at the public trough.
Your membership in HMM speaks volumes about your courage in the face of a
nation uncomfortable with our lifestyle. Together, we can fight the ignorance
and fear. After all, we did not choose to be straight. This is the way we have
been created! Heterosexuality is not what we do. It is what we are!
I look forward to working with you to stem the tide of the latent
heterophobia that now grips Washington, D.C. and the rest of the country.
Please enjoy the included articles from past issues of Straight Talk for
HMM's and feel free to copy them and pass them around wherever you meet other
straight, monogamous men. Remember:
We're not gay, it's O.K.
We're straight, it's great.
Get used to it.
Subscriptions cost $15.95 for twelve monthly issues (each approximately 8
pages), or our special introductory rate of $4.95 for three issues. Your news-
letters will come in a envelope that will in no way identify you with this HMM
because your decision to come out of the closet must be your own. Send check or
money order to:

Very truly yours,
Norm D. Plume
Founder of HMM
Editor Straight Talk for HMM's

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 58 =--------------------------------------

My ex-boyfriend was not a very good communicator. It's hard to drink beer and
talk at the same time.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 59 =--------------------------------------

From the L.A. Times:

In a recent Amtrak survey, 1,000 men chose Cindy Crawford as the celebrity with
whom they would most like to travel. In a related survey, 1,000 women chose a
rolling pin as the kitchen implement they would likely use if they found their
husbands traveling with Cindy Crawford.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 60 =--------------------------------------

Male Answer Syndrome:
Why Men Always Have Opinions, Even On Subjects They Know Nothing About

In the animal kingdom, males exhibit what is known as "display behavior" in
order to attract females and to ward off rival males. They thrust out their
chests, ruffle their plummage, and generally try to appear more impressive than
they really are. On nature shows, this is comic. It appears comic, too, when
it shows up among humans: the guy in the Camaro with all the gold chains, say,
or Vanilla Ice's haircut. It has been discovered that display behavior is much
more common among humans than had been previously believed. Have you ever
wondered why:

Men who have never been west of Kentucky can tell you about the mentality of the
Japanese?

Men who can't pay their credit-card bills have a plan for dealing with the
national debt?

Men who aren't on speaking terms with their families know how to achieve peace
in the Middle East?

Men who flunked high-school physics can explain what went wrong at NASA?

Men who haven't had a date in six months know what women really want?

Try an experiment: Ask my friend Jeff, who spends his weekends fixing up his
Harley and watching female mud wrestling, how he thinks political autonomy will
affect the economies of the Baltic states.
His brow will furrow; he will purse his lips thoughtfully. "It's interesting
that you mention that...," he will begin, and then he will come up with
something-probably nothing remotely feasible, but something.
This behavior, the chronic answering of questions regardless of actual
knowledge, is known as Male Answer Syndrome. The compulsion to answer varies
from person to person, but few men are happy saying, "I don't know." They
prefer, "That's not what's important here."
They try not to get bogged down by petty considerations, such as, "Do I know
anything about this subject?" or "Is what I have to say interesting?" They take
a broad view of questions, treating them less as requests for specific pieces of
information than as invitations to expand on some theories, air a few
prejudices, and tell a couple of jokes. Some men seem to regard life as a talk
show on which they are the star guest. If you ask, "What is the capital of
Peru?" they hear, "So tell us a bit about your early years, Bob."
Sometimes this expansiveness is appealing. If you ask a woman, "Why did
Madonna go on David Letterman Show?" she will simply shrug helplessly,
acknowledging that some things are simply unknowable. A man, on the other hand,
will come up with a few theories (She's has the same agent? Overdose of
Prozac?). Men have the courage and inventiveness to try to explain the
inexplicable.
But Male Answer Syndrome (MAS) is by no means harmless, as my friend Pauline
discovered at the age of 8. She had found that eating ice cream made her teeth
hurt and asked her father whether Eskimos had the same problem. "No," he said.
"They have rubber teeth." Pauline repeated this information in a geography
lesson and found herself the laughing stock of the class. That was how she
learned that a man, even if he is your own father, would rather make up an
answer than admit to his ignorance.
Later in life, women run into the same problem: Men can speak with such
conviction that women may be fooled into thinking that they actually know what
they're talking about.
My friend Jeff (he of the Harley) is full of expertise on subjects as diverse
as global warming and Elvis' current whereabouts. In reality, however, he is an
expert at only one thing: making very little knowledge go a very long way. For
him answering is a game, and not knowing what he's talking about just adds to
the thrill.
Expressing skepticism can be highly inflammatory. Even mild-mannered Abe
Lincoln types may react to, "Are you sure about that?" as a vicious slur on
their manhood and find themselves backing up a ludicrous assertion with spurious
facts.
Many women actively encourage male answering behavior. There is in the female
correlative condition known as the Say What? Complex. Women who behind closed
doors expound eloquently on particle physics may be found, in male company,
gaping at the news that the earth is round.
MAS tends to be mild until puberty; boys begin to speak with authority on
matters of foreign policy at the same time they start to grow facial hair. And
how MAS developed? Since killing wooly mammoths and attacking enemies with
rocks are now frowned upon, and since shirts open to the navel are not
appropriate in every social situation, men prove their masculinity by concocting
elaborate theories about football.
Growing awareness of MAS has led some to call for a moritorium on all male-
female conversation. This is alarmist. But care should be taken. Women must
remind themselves that if a man tells them something particularly interesting
there is a good chance that it is particularly untrue.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 61 =--------------------------------------

From: gypsy@alembic.acs.com (cupid's six-guns)

and why should i apologise
for bimbos with mascaraed eyes
who take advantage of those men
who never called me back again?

and why must i express remorse
because it was a bad divorce
when all i ever asked of men
was that they call me back again?

where were these men who file complaints
that women never pay for dates
when i was feeding all those men
who never called me back again?

where were the guys who say they're nice
and beg for sexual advice
when i was faking it for men
who never called me back again?

i've always done my best to be
a model of equality
but damn, it's hard to speak for men
who never called me back again.

i must admit, to be quite fair
the grounds for grievances are there
but for MY cause, i hear from men
"well, yeah, but that was way back then!"

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 62 =--------------------------------------

Ever notice how so many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?
MENstruation, MENopause, MENtal breakdown, GUYnecology, HIMmorrhoids...

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 63 =--------------------------------------

The Paradox Of Men

If you can't go down on them, you're not a good partner. If you can go down on
them, they are jeolous that someone taught you how.
If they pay for dinner, you are using them. If you pay for dinner, you are
trying to embarrass them.
If you make less money than them, you have to do all of the housework. If you
make more money than them, you are a ball-breaker and still have to do all of
the housework.
If they want sex, they won't let you sleep. If you want sex, they won't wake up.
If you choose an article of clothing that they don't like, you don't care about
their taste. If you ask them for help in choosing an article of clothing
they do like, they tell you to dress however you want.
If you are polite and friendly to their friends, they want to know why you are
coming on to their friends. If you are distant and reserved to their friends,
they want to know why you don't like their friends.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 64 =--------------------------------------

From Late Show with David Letterman; Tuesday, January 31, 1995

Top Ten Signs You're Not The Sexiest Man Alive

10. When people see you, they often ask, "Is it Halloween already?"
9. You appear in TV Guide crossword puzzle with the clue, "Siskel and ___"
8. The best term to describe you is "super hairy".
7. You parachuted into Super Bowl with a dog and a bag of pretzels.
6. Photos of you used as a birth-control device.
5. You take a stroll and the local zoo is flooded with calls about an escaped
orangutan.
4. As you walk toward rack of Speedos, you hear clerks murmuring, "Oh God, no".
3. Your name is Tom Wilkins and you're seated in the 6th row of the Ed Sullivan
Theater.
2. Hookers always telling you "Not on the first date".
1. Richard Simmons never follows you home.

[Music: "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy" by Rod Stewart]

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 65 =--------------------------------------

The Last 10 Things Any Man Would Ever Say

10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Her tits are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a woody.
4. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
3. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your
purse.
2. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 66 =--------------------------------------

From a USA Today article: Studies at Chicago's Smell and Taste Treatment and
Research Foundation prove the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, via
his nose. No, not perfume. Doughnuts, lavender, licorice, and pumpkin pie have
all been shown adept at producing sexual arousal in men, according to a
Foundation study. The best result so far: a combination of pumpkin pie and
lavender, which increased penile blood flow in 40% of the men studied. "This
suggests women have more of an effect on men if they throw away those expensive
perfumes and put some pumpkin pie in the oven," one researcher suggested.

Male sexual arousal depends on more than meets the eye: Certain fragrances
are powerful turn-ons and may even be useful in treating impotence, suggests a
recent study.
Chic perfumes, though, aren't the best aphrodisiacs. It's the homey odors of
pumpkin pie, doughnuts, licorice and lavender that send blood rushing to a man's
penis, says Dr. Alan Hirsch of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research
Foundation, Chicago. He will report on studies of 31 men at the American
Psychosomatic Society meeting in New Orleans.
Poor blood flow to the penis, increasingly a problem as men age, is the most
common physical cause of impotence, says Hirsch. He tested the blood flow of
men wearing masks scented with varied odors.
Every odor, from cheese pizza to popcorn and roses, boosted blood flow to the
penis. But some fragrances were mega-erotic. A combination of pumpkin pie and
lavender evoked a 40 percent increase in blood flow; doughnuts and black
licorice, 32 percent; doughnuts and pumpkin pie, 20 percent.

===============================================================
=================
== RIDDLES ABOUT MEN
===========================================================
-= riddles about men =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.
or
So men can understand them.

-= riddles about men =-= 2 =-------------------------------------------------

What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the
head and pack all that extra snow into balls to make its testicles.

-= riddles about men =-= 3 =-------------------------------------------------

Why do men name their penises?
Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their
decisions.

-= riddles about men =-= 4 =-------------------------------------------------

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the stupid ones.

-= riddles about men =-= 5 =-------------------------------------------------

What's the best thing to come out of a penis?
The wrinkles!

-= riddles about men =-= 6 =-------------------------------------------------

What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

-= riddles about men =-= 7 =-------------------------------------------------

Did you hear that they are going to stop circumcising men?
They discovered they were throwing away the best part.

-= riddles about men =-= 8 =-------------------------------------------------

Why are some men uncircumcised?
The doctors were afraid of causing brain damage to the infant.

-= riddles about men =-= 9 =-------------------------------------------------

What's the dumbest part of a man's body?
His penis. It has a head without a brain, it swings with two nuts, and it lives
right around the corner from an asshole.

-= riddles about men =-= 10 =-------------------------------------------------

Why don't women have any brains?
Because they don't have any testicles to put them in.

-= riddles about men =-= 11 =-------------------------------------------------

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.

-= riddles about men =-= 12 =-------------------------------------------------

Why are men endowed with a half ounce more brains than dogs?
So they know not to embarrass themselves by humping women's knees at parties.

-= riddles about men =-= 13 =-------------------------------------------------

Why don't men get hemorrhoids?
Because they are all perfect assholes.

-= riddles about men =-= 14 =-------------------------------------------------

Why do men snore?
When they fall asleep, their balls cover their assholes and they vapor lock.

-= riddles about men =-= 15 =-------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

-= riddles about men =-= 16 =-------------------------------------------------

How does an older woman keep her youth?
By giving him money.

-= riddles about men =-= 17 =-------------------------------------------------

What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

-= riddles about men =-= 18 =-------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

-= riddles about men =-= 19 =-------------------------------------------------

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

-= riddles about men =-= 20 =-------------------------------------------------

Why do men resist becoming fathers?
Because they aren't through yet being children.

-= riddles about men =-= 21 =-------------------------------------------------

What is the best way to get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

-= riddles about men =-= 22 =-------------------------------------------------

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

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