Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Men_and_Weman_Jokes

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 36 =--------------------------------------

Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the
dumber sex?

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 37 =--------------------------------------

A woman's idea of the perfect man is someone who is obedient, well-mannered,
faithful, can empty the garbage, and is a great lover in bed. Now if only you
could train a dog to have sex in positions other than doggie style and
bestiality was more socially accepted...

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 38 =--------------------------------------

He: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the
worst way.
She: Well, you succeeded.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 39 =--------------------------------------

They say that men only think about sex. That's not exactly true. They also
care a lot about power, world domination, money, and beer.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 40 =--------------------------------------

A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her, "Haven't I seen
you somewhere before?" "Yes," she replied in a loud voice, "I'm the
receptionist at the V.D. clinic."

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 41 =--------------------------------------

It would be wonderful if there was a potion that could give the average guy the
physique of Sylvester Stallone, the brains of Ted Koppel, and the sense of humor
of John Goodman. Of course, it could be a little scary. One mix-up and you end
up with a guy with John Goodman's body, Sylvester Stallone's I.Q., and the charm
of Ted Koppel.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 42 =--------------------------------------

Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women
complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing
as a good man.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 43 =--------------------------------------

At the mall, women get excited, thrilled, and overjoyed by purchasing the
perfect item. Men experience the same feelings just by finding a close parking
space.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 44 =--------------------------------------

If a man was king of the world, he would make every Sunday a Super Bowl Sunday,
outlaw cleaning, and require women to work naked.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 45 =--------------------------------------

A single man in his 40's often has a problem finding women at his level of
maturity. That's why he dates someone half his age.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 46 =--------------------------------------

So many bachelors lie about their jobs, drive cars they can't afford, wear
toupees and loose shirts that hide their stomachs...and say they want a "real
women"!

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 47 =--------------------------------------

The Single Woman's Language Guide

How To Translate Menspeak

When He Says He Really Means
------------ ---------------
Do you have the time? to go to bed
Hello Let's cut the talk and go have sex.
How are you? in bed, I mean.
I'd like a discreet relationship. I want sex, but I'm married.
I'll be out of town for a few days. I'll be spending time with with the wife.
I'm a novelist. I have 10 unpublished books.
I'm coming off a long relationship. My wife is divorcing me.
I'm consulting. I'm looking for a job.
I'm divorced. I just slipped off my wedding ring.
I'm in television. I fix them.
I'm involved in banking. I'm a bank guard.
I'm self-employed. I just got fired.
I'm sorry I flirted with your sister. I'm sorry I got caught.
I'm thinking of relocating. I can't find a job locally in this town.
I can't leave my wife just yet..soon. Be patient forever.
I enjoy reading. Playboy and Penthouse.
I have the Midas touch. I install mufflers.
I like a woman who is intelligent. As long as she acts like I'm smarter.
I love opera. I want sex, but I've seen an opera once.
I play the market. Safeway
I work high up in an executive office. I'm a window washer.
I work with computers. I'm a cashier at a gas station.
Looking for a satisfying relationship. I want sex.
My business is really hot right now! I hand out towels in a steam room.
My job keeps me running. I'm a messenger.
My wife and I are separated. She's at home and I'm here at the bar.

How To Verbalize To A Man When Breaking Up With Him

Men are often so wrapped up in their work, with their professions being such a
large part of their personal identity, that when a woman wants to break up a
relationship with a man, it helps if she uses the very same key words he uses on
the job, words that he will understand clearly.

If He Is A... Say To Him, "Our relationship has...
-------------------------- -------------------------------------
armchair athlete without a job. been shut out 45 to 0 with 18 turnovers."
astronomer been a black hole."
banker/accountant gone bankrupt."
bartender been on the rocks."
boxer been K.O.'d."
bus driver reached the end of the line."
carpenter had a sinking foundation."
chemist been under a fume hood for too long."
doctor been malpracticed."
economist been in a ten year recession."
electrician been short circuited."
engineer been miscalculated."
fireman been burned to the ground."
football player been fumbled at the one yard line."
geologist been taken for granite."
lawyer been given the death penalty."
mathematician been taken to the limit."
milkman gone sour."
miner gone bust."
opera star reached its grand finale."
personnel worker been terminated."
physicist lacked harmonic motion."
pilot lost power in all its engines."
policeman copped out."
politician been impeached."
programmer been core dumped."
race car driver run its course."
sailor lost at sea."
soldier been wiped out."
teacher flunked out."
truck driver overturned on our highway of life."

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 48 =--------------------------------------

Men And Automobiles

Man is like an automobile. As it gets older, the differential starts
slipping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad. The
transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of
low. The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb the
slightest incline.
When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one
wonders if the old bus will make it to the top. The carburetor gets fouled with
pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning.
It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. The
thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The
headlights grow dim, and the battery need constant recharging.
But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the
impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the
primrose lane before the head gasket blows. Gentlemen, start your engines.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 49 =--------------------------------------

Men would rather pledge allegiance to a flag than to a woman.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 50 =--------------------------------------

A man knows:

a) every inch of his car and how to take care of it, but can't say the same
about his girlfriend.
b) knows the exact date that he bought his car, but can't recall his wedding
anniversary.
c) can shift gears with a lot more skill in his car than he can in bed.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 51 =--------------------------------------

Men will do anything for women except not fall asleep immediately after sex,
tell women what's wrong when they ask, and ask for directions when they're
driving.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 52 =--------------------------------------

The average bachelor really believes he is cooking when he adds milk to a bowl
of cereal, heats up a slice of pizza in the microwave, picks up the phone and
orders Chinese food, warms up leftovers that his mom put in the refrigerator.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 53 =--------------------------------------

All too often, when a man is thinking about a birthday present for his lady, he
will wait until the last minute to buy it, ignore any hints that she has
dropped, and then buy the wrong size, color, and style.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 54 =--------------------------------------

(true story!)
Seems my latest Freudian slip came just as my wife arrived back from a
week-long business trip in Toronto. As she grabbed her luggage and headed off,
she asked, "Did you miss me?"
I replied quite innocently, "It's been so hard without you."

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 55 =--------------------------------------

Meat, Cars, (And Sexual Politics)

In her remarkable book, "The Sexual Politics of Meat", Carol Adams
provocatively attempts to portray vegetarianism as a feminist issue. I found
myself amazed by the extent to which the symbol of meat and the objectification
of women permeates our society. I was struck with the possibility that it may
be possible and interesting to integrate other issues in a similar way, with the
hope of inspiring a spirit of unity among those struggling for separate, yet
tangential, causes. I in no way intend to demean the issue of vegetarianism,
the anti-car movement, or feminism. Instead, I hope that I can strengthen them
all by increasing the awareness of those involved in one issue of the relative
importance of the others.
In America, the standard diet dictates the serving of meat at each and every
meal. In a similar manner, the automobile reigns as the primary form of
transportation in our cities. It is difficult to discern which trend is more
disastrous to our bodies, our society as a whole, the ecology of the planet, and
all of the creatures who inhabit it.

The Myth Of Masculinity

While "The Sexual Politics of Meat" is provocative in its attempting to
identify the culture of meat as a male-dominated culture that adds to the
objectification of women, it is even easier to see how the keeping and
maintaining of automobiles is a male-dominated trend. In fact, just as most
butchers are men, so are most mechanics. While women are often called pieces of
meat, it is just as common to refer to cars as is if they are women: "She's got
a slick motor and rides smooth and clean." What about the calendar photos that
are so common, of female models clad in swimsuits atop sports-cars? The owning
of an automobile is a rite of passage for the male in our culture. It is how a
boy "gets laid", by picking-up the girl in his car, which provides them with the
independence required to have sex. The bicycle is viewed as nothing more than a
child's toy which is outgrown during the passage to adulthood. Also, it is
continuously pressed on the growing boy the need to consume plenty of animal
protein, so that he will be "strong". Both the failure to own a car and the
refusal to eat meat by a male result in a similar stigma: emasculation.
As a side note, the development of the bicycle rapidly escalated the pace of
women's liberation in America and Europe. First of all, it allowed women to set
out on their own and travel with a reasonable level of safety and previously
unheard of level of independence. It also brought the wearing of pants among
women ("bloomers", they were called) into acceptance, for many women simply
refused to wear highly impractical dresses while riding their bikes. Ted
White's film "The Return of the Scorcher" has more details on this phenomenon.

The Health And Well-Being Of Individuals And Society

The private automobile is the most wasteful form of transportation currently
in use, in terms of energy consumption. The eating of animal flesh is the many
times more wasteful than the eating plants, as much energy is lost in the
process. Up to thirty times more energy is used in driving a given distance as
opposed to bicycling the same distance. A cow must be fed twenty grams of
protein for every gram of protein its meat yields. The auto industry requires a
steady influx of gasoline, a non-renewable resource, in order to keep
functioning, resulting in tremendous bloodshed in the Middle East. The meat
industry is also incredibly dependent upon fossil fuels, what with all the
hauling cows to slaughter and the fuel used in growing and transporting all the
food to feed livestock. Over 85% of all grain grown in the U.S. is fed to
livestock! Our land is being paved to death: over forty percent of all urban
land in the United States is devoted to roads, parking lots, and auto-related
businesses. The continued over- grazing of cows on public and private land is
causing widespread erosion and environmental devastation. The smog and
pollution caused by over-reliance on the automobile is a public health hazard.
The consumption of animal products has been linked to heart disease, colon
cancer, obesity, and various other health disorders.
To quote Ernest Callenbach, author of "Ecotopia", the three great threats to
the environment are: "Cows, cars, and chain-saws."

Industry And Misinformation

Six of the ten largest corporations in America are in the oil or automobile
industries. They have a lock on the media and bombard us with their endless
stream of advertisements for their cars and car-products, never once mentioning
the hazards involved or the alternatives available. They fiercely fight the
development of alternate forms of transportation, such as light rail and
bicycle-pedestrian-only areas. The meat and dairy industry has been the primary
source of nutritional "education" in our schools, contributing free educational
products promoting the nutritional "necessity" of meat and dairy products. They
have lobbied tirelessly for maintaining the "Four Food Groups" model of a
balanced diet that most of us grew up with, where half of the model is made up
of animal products, even though it is widely accepted that the new food pyramid
is a much healthier model. The meat industry and fast food industry have also
spread their brainwashing message through advertising, almost rivaling the auto
industry with their unavoidably offensive billboard campaigns.

What About The Animals?

It is widely estimated that over four-hundred million animals die from being
struck by automobiles each year, world-wide. That's over a million a day! More
than vivisection, even. Their deaths are often slow and excruciatingly painful.
Everywhere they are built, the construction of roads tears apart ecosystems and
kills countless numbers of the plants and animals who inhabit them. While I
have seen articles on roadkill in animal rights magazines, I have never once
seen one of them encourage people to stop driving as an option. Every year,
over billions of animals are killed simply for the pleasure of the taste of
their flesh. Most of the animals are forced to live in tortuous conditions far
removed from their natural habitats.

Everyday Actions And Benefits

Curtailing automobile use is a simple, direct action that anyone can do.
Reducing one's consumption of meat is just as simple and effective. Neither of
these actions require any activism, just a bit of effort. Progressive activists
of all stripes should be able to make these simple lifestyle changes without
detracting anything from their own personal cause. In fact, the health benefits
of both bicycle riding and a vegan diet are reasons alone for anyone, not to
mention all the money you'll save.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 56 =--------------------------------------

There is no fairness between the way the world considers men and women. When
he comes into the world, all ask, "And how is the mother getting along?" When
he gets married, the only things you hear is, "What a lovely bride." And when
he kicks the bucket, what do people say? "How much did he leave her?"

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Page Updated Tue Jun 8, 1999 5:47pm EDT