Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Men_and_Weman_Jokes

== MEN JOKES AND FEMINIST HUMOR
================================================
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 1 =--------------------------------------

Man - A Chemical Analysis

Element : Man
Symbol : Ah (short for Asshole)
Quantitative : Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4
inches.
Discoverer : Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for
ribs)
Occurrence : Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration
near a perfect Wo specimen.

Physical properties :
a) Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense,
melts if treated like a God.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo
(Snore... zzzzz).
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to
extremely thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of
the Wo common ore.
j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when
subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied

Chemical properties :
a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible.
b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable
conditions.
c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects
(which tend to turn the specimen bright red.
f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most other
elements.
h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the
malodorous variety.
j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

Storage :
a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable
reaction style.

Uses :
a) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo...
b) Can be used in recreational activities.

Tests :
a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast
information on many wavelengths.

Caution :
a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to
a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 2 =--------------------------------------

Little sister answers the door and announces your date is here...she yells out,
"Shelly, Mr. Four and a Half Inches is here!"

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 3 =--------------------------------------

Suzie: Can you beat my total of 71 men?
Jane: If you supply the whips.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 4 =--------------------------------------

A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds as
if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me
you were planning to visit Colorado?"
"Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."
His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" He fell silent and she
continued, "You know, it's just ridiculous. Fred simply *will not* ask for
directions."

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 5 =--------------------------------------

A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished,
the woman heard her husband's key in the lock. "Hurry," she said to the
repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous."
There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the
TV console. The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch
some football. Inside the TV, the repairman was all squished up and getting
hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore. He climbed out,
marched across the room and out the front door.
The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set
again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did
you?"

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 6 =--------------------------------------

A man came home a day early from a business trip and discovered his wife in
the midst of passionate lovemaking with a total stranger in their bedroom. He
demandingly asked, "What on earth are you doing?!?!!"
The wife turned to the other man and replied, "See, I told you he was as dumb
as a post."

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 7 =--------------------------------------

God created Adam and informed him that he had given him a brain and a penis.
The brain was a good gift as it allowed him to do many things. The penis was
also a good thing as it allowed the race to continue. The problem was that God
had only given Adam enough of a blood supply so that he could only use one of
them at a time.
Men are naturally competitive. Even in the Garden of Eden, Adam was afraid
Eve would like the snake's fruit better than his.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 8 =--------------------------------------

God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before you
create a masterpiece.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 9 =--------------------------------------

Man says to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says, "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God replies, "So she would love you."

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 10 =--------------------------------------

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel real good today.
I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five
dollar bill to a bum."
"You mean you gave a bum five dollars? That's a lot of money to give away
like that. What did you husband say about it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 11 =--------------------------------------

Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again.
Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.
Jim: What happened to your first three wives?
Joe: They all died, Jim.
Jim: How did that happen?
Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: How terrible! And your second?
Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Jim: I see, an accident.
Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 12 =--------------------------------------

A giant truck stops to pick up a hitchhikeress. The driver opens the door and
says, "Come on in. I'm not like the other ones that only let the good-looking
girls have a ride."

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 13 =--------------------------------------

Once heard from a girl who just broke up with someone:
My old boyfriend and I weren't compatible. I'm a virgo and he's an asshole.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 14 =--------------------------------------

I had parked my car in the supermarket parking lot and was walking past an
empty cart when I heard a female voice say, "Mister, are you using that cart?"
"No," I answered. "I'm only after one thing."
As I walked toward the store, I heard her murmur, "Typical male."

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 15 =--------------------------------------

My boyfriend said that for his physical, the doctor needed a urine specimen,
a stool sample, and a semen specimen.
I told him, "Just give them your underwear."

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 16 =--------------------------------------

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car
breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they
will have to spend the night in a motel.
The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor
problem.
Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the
circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on
the couch and you take the bed.
Sister: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten
minutes later...
Sister: Father, I'm terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.
Ten minutes later...
Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.
Ten minutes later...
Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind
if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 17 =--------------------------------------

A Guide To Proper Etiquette In The Men's Restroom

Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself
structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been
known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes," "men's rooms," and
several other names. As with any exclusive organization, wholly half the human
race aren't allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated
customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.

General rules:

1. Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with an
acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.

2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't spend a
significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only
permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.

3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.

4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep
looking around. Read graffiti.

Grafitti rules:

5. All graffiti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can trace your
graffiti back to you, don't do it.

6. Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if
nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable.

7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different
ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few,
restraint comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries. If
visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to use
the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.

8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress.
Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed.
Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity.

9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.

10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management
of the bathroom.

Urinal rules:

11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside.
When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid
standing directly next to somebody at all costs.

For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations:
X...... (X = occupied, . = empty)
X.....X
X..X..X
X.X.X.X
XXX.X.X [-- These are only acceptable when significant
XXX.XXX [-- "privacy" dividers are available. If the
XXXXXXX [-- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.

12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know
what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.

13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange. At
this point, flushing is mandatory.

14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal.
Don't step back until you've closed your pants again.

Toilet rules:

15. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.

16. Always flush.

17. When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.

Special cases:

18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply
for dealing with the females.
a. Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning.
b. Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for.
c. If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females are
around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to ignore her
presence until you're dressed again.

19. Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only if
absolutely no other option is available.

20. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't available.
Get behind sufficient growth so that you are completely invisible to the
remainder of your party before you begin. Check carefully that you aren't
near any sort of animal or insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you
forgot toilet paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes a
poor substitute.

Pissing Tips for "Real Men" (Addendum To The Above Rules)

a. Head for the largest open expanse of urinal available. If you stand too close
to someone, they will think that you are gay. If you stand too far away from
someone, they will think that you think that they are gay.

b. Three shakes only. Two is unhygienic, four is a wanker.

c. If you fart, say "Whooaa, what a ripper!"

d. Don't look. Real men never compare sizes.

e. Never use the drying machines or the towels. Walking out with wet hands into
the bar looks like the condensation off at least six pitchers.

Types Of Men You Might Find In The Restroom

Absent Minded: Opens his vest, pulls out his tie, and pisses in his pants.
Clever: Uses no hands, shows off by fixing tie with both hands, looks
around for admiration, and sometimes ends up pissing on the floor and onto his
shoes.
Cross-eyed: Looks into urinal on the left, pisses into the one in the
center, and flushes the one on the right.
Desperate: Waits in a long time, teeth floating and feet shuffling. Starts
to piss as he walks up to urinal but before he can unzip himself. Lets out a
long groan and grunt as he finally gets to relieve himself.
Disgruntled: Stands for a while, grunts, gives up, and walks away.
Drunk: Holds left thumb in right hand and pisses into his pants.
Easily induced: Any thought, mention, sight, or slosh of a liquid, from
sipping coffee to a runny nose, causes bladder to immediately signal full
condition.
Efficient: Waits until he has to crap, then does both at once.
Erect: Either because his bladder is full or he just saw a sexy woman, his
penis is so erect that he must thrust his buttocks backward a bit to be able to
pull his member out of his pants. Gets pubic hair caught up in his zipper.
Excitable: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find the hole, and ends up
ripping his shorts or jamming the zipper into his shirttail.
Flashy: Tells loud jokes while pissing; shakes off drops with a great
flourish.
Frivolous: Plays stream up and down and across the urinal. Likes to see how
many bubbles he can make froth up. Tries to hit and sink the cigarette floating
around in the water. Has never really grown up.
Indifferent: If all the urinals are being used, he goes into a toilet stall
to piss. If all the toilet stalls are taken also, he pisses into the sink or
garbage can.
Little: Stands on a box to piss into the urinal, falls in, drowns.
Nosey: Looks into the next urinal to compare himself with the other guy's
organ.
Patient: Stands very close for a long time waiting, reading the paper with
his free hand.
Playful: Spots a friend's shoes under the divider wall and redirects aim
accordingly.
Scientific: Backs up from the urinal to take a long shot, misses, and
pisses on shoes.
Slob: Does not bother to flush urinal after using it, drips all over his
shoes and pants when zipping himself back up, and does not bother to wash hands
as he leaves with his fly undone. Usually has to adjust his balls afterwards as
he is sitting down.
Sneak: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, and knows that the
man next to him will be blamed.
Sociable: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not.
Timid: Cannot urinate if someone is watching, pretends to, and then flushes
the urinal as if he has already used it. Sneaks back in once everyone has left
the restroom.
Tough: Bangs dick against side of urinal to dry it.
Worried: Is not sure of what he has been into lately and makes a quick
inspection.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 18 =--------------------------------------

Irritated Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
Hubby: It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 19 =--------------------------------------

Man is the king of his castle
A king is a ruler
A ruler is 12 inches
Still think you're a man?

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 20 =--------------------------------------

A man was complaining to a friend:
"I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful
woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out..."

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 21 =--------------------------------------

A man finds a lamp and decides to rub the dust off. Then, you guessed it, a
Genie appears. The Genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but
everything the man gets, his mother-in-law gets twice.
The man's first wish is for 10 million dollars. The Genie reminds the man
that his mother-in-law will get 20 million dollars. The man says, "that's ok."
The man's next wish is for a house by the sea. Once again, the Genie reminds
the man that his mother-in-law will get two houses by the sea; once again, the
man says, "that's okay."
The man's last wish is to be beaten half to death.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 22 =--------------------------------------

Real estate man: Would you like to see a model home?
Man: I sure would, when does she get off work?

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 23 =--------------------------------------

From the Rochester "Democrat and Chronicle", 4/14/92

Pittsburgh (AP) - If the Titanic went down today, a little more than a third
of men would give up lifeboat seats to women outside their immediate families,
according to a newspaper survey.
"There aren't gentlemanly ways today," said Mike Sigworth, one of 200 people
interviewed for the "Pittsburgh Post-Gazette's" 'Titanic Test.' Everybody would
be just trying to get the hell off the boat."
The Titanic's April 1912 sinking killed 1,490 people, including 1,329 men;
about 300 of 490 surviving passengers were women. Some male survivors were
scorned because they forgot or ignored the tradition of filling lifeboats with
"women and children first."
The "Post-Gazette" asked western Pennsylvania residents if they would save
their own skins or give spots to relatives, celebrities and strangers. The
survey did show a high regard for Mother Theresa. Fifty two percent of male
passengers said they would give up their seats to her, but only 8 percent to
Madonna and 7 percent to Penguins hockey star Mario Lemieux.

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Page Updated Tue Jun 8, 1999 5:39pm EDT