Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Men_and_Weman

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 24 =--------------------------------------

Two men are in a bar are boasting about their prowess and one of them says,
"My cock is longer than that cat's tail."
A bet is made, the bartender supplies a ruler, and the cat is roused and
measured.
But when the bartender begins the second measurement, the stud says, "Just a
moment! Where did you measure that cat's tail from?"
"From the asshole." says the bartender.
"Well, kindly do me the same favor."

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 25 =--------------------------------------

From A Woman's Viewpoint

Guys, you know how things go. You've been dating the most wonderful girl in
the world for several weeks, even several months, when something odd happens.
Maybe something small, like her starting to wear a particularly rancid brand of
perfume, or maybe something major, like her informing you that she was only
kidding when she said she adored football. Whatever. All you know is that the
thrill has ebbed. Your dreams of this girl are no longer feverish. Your finger
seems loath to dial her number; you become re-enamored of airline stewardesses.
The love affair is, in fact, history.
That middle period of relationships, that perilous time between the
starry-eyed first moments and the cozy, settled period when you may even have
the nerve to fart in bed, is always fraught. It's tricky business, getting to
know each other, a pitfall-a-minute affair. And we women can be just as finicky
as men. Strike the wrong note and we have a tendency to go off our feed
completely. Therefore, I am going to list some common grievances, the things
that make womens' eyes go opaque and cause them to stop returning phone calls.
1. Playing Hard To Get. If a man constantly breaks dates at the last minute
and is often seen squiring different blondes around town, a woman will quickly
tire of him. We've all played that game called "I don't like you as much as you
like me", usually in junior high school. A few of us will play this game
unceasingly, but most of us have better things to do with our time, such as
crocheting doilies. So don't say you're going to call when you're not, don't
leave lipstick-stained cigarette butts in your ashtrays, don't disappear for
weeks at a time. We'll only yawn.
2. Playing Easy To Get. We don't like this, either. (Damn, we're picky!)
There is something off-putting about a man who brings up marriage and children
during the first weeks of courtship, who discusses adjoining burial plots on the
first date, or who professes undying love with lightning speed. A human door
mat is neither amusing nor attractive. And we all know (too well) that a man
who is too intense too soon has no staying power; he is in love with love and
not with us.
3. Refusing To Gossip, Especially After A Juicy Party. This is crucial.
Most women will forgive a man anything...trampling her flower beds, ignoring her
nipples, forgetting her birthday...if only he will stop pretending not to enjoy
a good gossip. There is nothing in the world more irritating than a man who
preserves a stony silence in the car ride home from a dinner party where Gladys
pulled Myrna's husband into the broom closet while Myrna decided it would be fun
to launch into an impromptu cancan right after George announced his sexual
preference for Lithuanian bus boys.
4. Forgetting Foreplay. One must never, as John Cleese put it, stampede the
clitoris. All men know this during their dispassionate, reflective moments, but
when sexual lust rears its insistent head, some men become stricken with amnesia
and think they can just hop on and go at it. They can't. It takes us, I don't
know, approximately 11.7 minutes to become fully aroused. We like to be fondled,
we like to be kissed, we like to be told how gorgeous we are, we crave more than
a bare minimum of caresses. Otherwise, we become cold and hard, which is not
the way you want us.
5. A Plethora Of After-Shave. Or, God forbid, cologne. I personally prefer
the smell of clean, honest sweat above all else, but many women delight in a
hint of subtle fragrance. None of us, however, is partial to an overpowering,
mind-numbing, sticky-sweet odor, so be gentle with your Brut. And eschew all
"essential oils" purporting to smell like strawberries.
6. Telling Dirty Jokes To Get Us In The Mood. No, we are not interested in
the antics of the traveling salesman and the farmer's daughter, though we may be
vaguely intrigued to learn what the bishop said to the actress. The trouble is,
most dirty jokes are not funny. They are simply slimy, smutty, smarmy, and
stupid. These things do not, somehow, turn us on and get us in the right mood.
7. Plying Us With Drinks And Drugs To Get Us In The Mood. We will not
respect you for this clicheed ploy. We may even become contrary.
8. Plying Yourself With Drinks And Drugs. I have a good friend who often
tells the story of a man who, after knowing her for two weeks, decided it would
be fun for her to see him at his worst. He was a wonderful, brilliant, witty
man, but she wasn't prepared to deal with him as a Romilar and Wild Turkey-
saturated psychopath.
9. Bad Laundry Habits. There are men who forget to wash their sheets for
months on end. They think they're being clever buying that dark paisley
pattern, but the nose, unfortunately, knows. Clothes must also be washed
occasionally; it's no good taking a shower only to climb into clothes exuding
petrified body odor.
10. Being Overly Critical. Too much criticism makes anyone want to curl up
into a ball.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 26 =--------------------------------------

No Spitting - A Concise Guide to Life

Five things men should never go out smelling like:
1) The five cartons of cigarettes everyone around you smoked last night.
2) Patchouli oil.
3) Any aftershave meant to evoke where the big bad wolf first saw Little Red
Riding Hood.
4) Anything medicinal, hygienic or cosmetic that is mentholated (it doesn't
evoke images of a cool mountain stream; it reminds people of clothes left in
storage).
5) Anyone whose keys you don't have.

Four flowers you don't send to anyone you care about:
1) Heliconia and birds of paradise, unless your intended love discos.
2) Carnations.
3) Gladiolus.
4) Dyed daisies.

Five things people don't do anymore:
1) Polish their shoes.
2) Pull out a chair for women, or anyone else for that matter.
3) Look you in the eye when shaking your hand at a party.
4) R.S.V.P. on time.
5) Remember that a man doesn't shake a women's hand unless and until she extends
her's.

Nine things people shouldn't do anymore:
1) Talk on a cellular phone in a restaurant.
2) Trust their doctors to have all the answers.
3) Assume that cigarette butts aren't litter.
4) Let their VCR continue blinking 12:00.
5) Pack a suede jacket when traveling to any location damper than Phoenix.
6) Think that "black tie" always means tuxedo.
7) Try to raise ficus trees in an apartment.
8) Wash their hair everyday even if it's on the dry side.
9) Pretend that love is all you need.

Eight elements to successful entertainment:
1) A corkscrew.
2) Candles.
3) Garlic.
4) An '82 Bordeaux.
5) A deck of cards.
6) An umbrella you can lend.
7) A bathrobe softer than terry cloth.
8) An extra Interplak attachment.

Eleven things you should try once:
1) Boudin.
2) Disney World.
3) Getting to a party exactly on time (you'll never hurry again).
4) Reading Jane Austen.
5) Going to the movies alone.
6) Wearing a piece of jewelry without thinking that everyone is looking at it
(wedding bands and school rings don't count).
7) Taking a long honest look in the mirror.
8) Yoga.
9) Going a whole day without eating meat or dairy.
10) Wearing a fabric you've always thought of as luxurious.
11) The opera and a hockey game, preferably during the same week.

Five indications that your clothes fit:
1) No one tickles an exposed piece of skin right when you are reaching farthest.
2) You can bear hug yourself.
3) You almost smiled when you caught yourself in the mirror (until the doubt
patrol started doing its number).
4) You don't readjust every time you stand up.
5) You can dance in them.

Four constructive approaches to thinning hair:
1) Baseball caps (why do you think they're suddenly so popular, team spirit?).
2) Wear it short.
3) Admit shoulder-length fringe is less cool and more Ben Franklin.
4) Read Maria Riva on Yul Brynner.

Three places you should go dressed 'to die for':
1) A great restaurant where you've made no reservations.
2) Your mother's, it's about time she saw you looking good.
3) Wherever they're giving you the award.

Five hints that you're wearing too much black:
1) You approach your closet with a flashlight.
2) You sense your local priest is jealous.
3) It takes more than 10 minutes for your date to find you in a crowd.
4) Gray is starting to look colorful.
5) Widows tell you to cheer up.

Seven musts to have in your car:
1) A detailed map covering a 50-mile radius from your home.
2) Tissues and napkins.
3) Quarters.
4) Breath freshener and eye drops.
5) A valet key (which starts the car but not open the trunk).
6) Glass cleaner.
7) A tape of the "1812 Overture," or something equally awakening.

Five ways to hide things that are too late to fix:
1) Whipped cream.
2) A hat.
3) A turtle neck.
4) Tossing throw pillows on the floor, then saying that everything you've made
tonight is Moroccan.
5) A trunkload of flowers.

Five necessities you can never find that start with 'S':
1) Scissors.
2) Studs.
3) Shoehorns.
4) Shoelaces.
5) Styptic pencils.

Four signs a shoe is not fun or too much fun:
1) The sole is as high as the heel.
2) It has more perforations that you colander.
3) No animal would recognize the skin as its own.
4) The salesman keeps referring to how comfortable it is.

Five remarks people will thank you for making:
1) About something green on their teeth.
2) "Half-mast, buddy!"
3) Where to vote.
4) What color brings out their eyes.
5) That they're dragging a yard of toilet paper.

Four remarks no one will thank you for making:
1) "I used to go out with her too."
2) "Gosh, you look tired."
3) "I think you missed the litter basket."
4) "Wearing that red ribbon doesn't mean you're actually doing anything about
AIDS"

Ten Actions you should know how to do:
1) Tie a bow tie on someone else.
2) Cook a meal from scratch in someone else's kitchen.
3) Keep a secret.
4) Perform CPR.
5) Bargain when the opportunity presents itself.
6) Console someone without platitudes.
7) Change a diaper.
8) Take a compliment with grace.
9) Let yourself be seduced in a part of the house without a mattress.
10) Drive a car.

You must remember these:
1) The city is doing to you what it does to your clothes.
2) If you're one in a million, there are 4,000 people just like you.
3) If you watch your quarters, the laundry will take care of itself.
4) It's only last minute shopping if you plan to die later in the day.
5) Nothing is "fun for the whole family" unless the parents are younger than 10.
6) Your personal trainer is seeing someone else.
7) Nature abhors a vacuum cleaner.
8) If you dress well, people will assume you a have a personal life.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 27 =--------------------------------------

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue

Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses
for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand
each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is
required.

Etiquette and Behavior:
EB101: PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
EB102: We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas
(Just Give Us The Credit Cards)
EB103: How Not To Act Like An Asshole When You Are Obviously Wrong
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere Except In The
Bathroom
EB105: You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Damn Well Please
EB106: How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
EB107: Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Your Vocabulary
EB108: Fluffing The Blankets After Farting Is Not Necessary

General Electives:
GE101: You, The Weaker Sex
GE102: Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
GE103: The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
GE105: You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked

Home Economics:
HE101: You Too Can Do Housework
HE102: How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
HE103: Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash My Silks")
HE104: Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Cook
HE106: How To Put Down A Toilet Seat (formerly called "No, It's Not A Bidet")
HE107: How To Tolerate Bras And Pantyhose Hanging In The Bathroom
HE108: How To Color-Coordinate
HE109: Aiming Techniques During Urination
HE110: Overcoming Electronic Gadgetry Obsession

Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
IR102: Reasons To Give Flowers
IR103: Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Often Bullshit
IR104: Romanticism - Other Ideas Beyond Sex
IR105: Marriage - Those Who Talk And Play Together, Stay Together

Life Skills:
LS101: Combatting Stupidity
LS102: Parenting Roles Beyond Initial Conception
LS103: Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
LS104: Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
LS105: How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
LS106: The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
LS107: Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
LS108: You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
LS109: Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works!
LS110: You Don't Really Need That Porsche After Thinning Hair And Mid-Life
Crisis
LS111: Knowing When To Stop And Ask For Directions When Lost On The Road

Sex Education:
SE101: How To Stay Awake After Sex
SE102: Fall Semester: You Really Can Fall Asleep Without Doing It, If You
Really Try
Spring Semester: The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake In The Morning,
Take A Cold Shower
SE103: Why Women Enjoy Giving Head About As Much As Men Enjoy Taking Out
The
Garbage
SE104: How To Interpret A Female "No" Reply When She Really Means "NO"
SE105: How To Interpret A Female "No" Reply When She Really Means "Yes"
SE106: Variations On Sex Positions (formerly called "Women Like To Be On Top
Sometimes Too")
SE107: Alternatives To Handle Cases Of Sudden Erection
SE108: Foreplay - The Slow And Easy Appetizer Preceding The Main Meal

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 28 =--------------------------------------

There are three things a man over 40 should never forget:
Never pass up the opportunity to take a leak.
Never trust a fart.
Never take a hard-on for granted.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 29 =--------------------------------------

Women have their faults.
Men have only two.
Everything they say and
everything they do.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 30 =--------------------------------------

Greeting Cards Oriented Towards The Male Buyer

A survey has found that about 90% of all Hallmark greeting cards are purchased
by women. In order to attract more males to buy and exchange greeting cards,
the following are some greeting card suggestions created to attract more male
buyers:

Cover picture: Dim, misty, moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: Consolances
Inside caption: ...on the loss of your remote control.

Cover picture: Nostalgic picture of a young couple strolling through a field
holding hands.
Cover caption: Darling, as we go into our 10th year together...
Inside caption: I swear I'll leave my wife soon!

Cover picture: Gold-leafed picture of a vase of red roses.
Cover caption: Get well soon, darling!
Inside caption: This house doesn't clean itself!

Cover picture: Two men standing on lush golf course, one of them ready to putt.
Cover caption: To my golf partner...
Inside caption: Just to let you know, I'm sleeping with my secretary.

Cover picture: Dark moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: In sympathy, I'm sorry to hear the news...
Inside caption: That you've been beaten senseless again in another bar fight.

Cover picture: Norman Rockwell-ish painting of a young girl picking daisies.
Cover caption: To the daughter that I love...
Inside caption: No daughter of mine is leaving this house dressed like a slut!

Cover picture: Misty photo of a couple embracing and kissing.
Cover caption: To my wonderful wife...I know we've had a little disagreement
Inside caption: But please don't cut off my sex organ as I sleep tonight!

Cover picture: Photo of two men shaking hands.
Cover caption: Congratulations and the best of luck!
Inside caption: To the installation of your new hair plugs!

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 31 =--------------------------------------

From James Lileks' "Notes of a Nervous Man":

Wieners come in packs of ten, buns in packs of eight, beer in packs of six,
presliced bologna comes in packs of sixteen slices, condoms come in packs of 3.
Why can't they get it straight? Man needs a calculator just to have a weekend.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 32 =--------------------------------------

Why Map Y?

Advances in medical science have allowed geneticists to map out the ever finer
details of the mysterious Y chromosome. Geneticists the world over have been
astir over the recent discoveries of the following gene loci, which had
previously been observed for centuries but, up to now, never been associated
directly with genetic or environmental factors in the male Homo Sapien species:

- - - - ____
11.32 /____\ --- Testis Determining Factor (TDF)
|____|
11.31 | | --- Three Stooges Appreciation
| | (Curly Stimulation Factor, CSF)
p | | --- Gadgetry (MAC-locus)
11.2 | | -\
| | ] Channel Flipping (FLP)
| | -/
|----| --- Catching and Throwing (BLZ-1)
11.1 | | --- Self-confidence (BLZ-2) (unlinked to ability)
_ _ _ _ \--/
/--\
11.1 | | Ability to remember and tell jokes (GOT-1)
|----| --/
| | --- Sports Page (BUD-E)
11.21 | ||--- Addiction to death and destruction movies (T-2)
| | \-- Air Guitar (RIF)
11.22 |____| \- Ability to identify aircraft (DC-10)
|____|
q | ||--- Preadolescent fascination with Arachnida/Reptilia
| | (MOM-4U)
11.23 | ||--- Spitting (P2E)
| | \-- Sitting on toilet reading (linked to Sports Page)
| |
|____||--- Inability to express affection over the phone (ME-2)
| | \- Selective hearing loss (HUH?)
| | \
12.0 | | Total lack of recall for dates (OOPS)
| |
| |
| |
- - - - \--/

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 33 =--------------------------------------

My husband has always taken the time to make love to me in a very romantic
atmosphere. In fact, all our kids were conceived during Miller Lite commercials.

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 34 =--------------------------------------

A woman is getting a sentimental feeling while watching a beautiful love scene
in a movie. Her husband leans over and whispers those three little words that
are on his mind: "Pass the popcorn."

-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 35 =--------------------------------------

A man can actually cater to a woman's every need, so long as all that she wants
is to have sex, go to ball games, and bring him a beer.

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Page Updated Tue Jun 8, 1999 5:43pm EDT