Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Holiday_Jokes

-= christmas =-= 187 =---------------------------------------------------------

Watch 'Em Glow
A Christmas Song for the Nuclear Age
(sung to the tune "Let It Snow")

Oh it happened quite late this morning,
The reactor gave a warning,
So as the walls start to flow,
Watch 'em Glow
Watch 'em Glow
Watch 'em Glow....

Officials begin to wonder,
With the fault line running under,
If nukes were the way to go...
Watch 'em Glow
Watch 'em Glow
Watch 'em Glow....

Oh the units were built in threes,
'Cause the number is funny and droll,
And now we can see the Chinese
A-wavin' at us from the hole!

Now the little black smudge is sister,
And my dog is just a blister,
But since it's their time to go,
Watch 'em Glow
Watch 'em Glow
Watch 'em Glow....

Now they say the "event" was "unplanned,
Just a shift in the offshore shelf,
And that's why my thyroid gland
Is driving a car by itself!

Now grandmother aint too pretty,
And that hairless blob is kitty,
But she's eight more lives to go,
Watch 'em Glow
Watch 'em Glow
Watch 'em Glow

-= christmas =-= 188 =---------------------------------------------------------

The Homeless Song (Reaganomics)
by D M Goldstein, 1988
(sung to the tune "The Christmas Song")

Homeless sitting by an open fire,
Frost-bite eating at their toes;
Yuletide carols being sung by a choir,
drive the kids to Overdose.
(Everybody knows,) George Bush is our new President,
and you know that isn't right;
Democrats, with fear in their eyes,
will find it hard to sleep tonight.

They know that Reagan's had his way,
He spent lots of dough, and bought lots of arms in his day;
And every Mother's child has cause to fear,
Because Repulicans have four more years.

And, So, I'm offering this simple phrase,
for men eighteen to thirty-three,
although it's been said that there won't be a draft,
get out of here; get out of here; find another Country.

-= christmas =-= 189 =---------------------------------------------------------

A New Jersey Christmas Song
by the NJ Editorial Minstrel (C) copyright 1990
(sung to the tune "A Christmas Song")

Tax cuts burning on an open fire
Our Gov'ner turns to stoke the coals
{or} Gov'ner turns and thumbs his nose
{or} Exxon brakes another hose
Protest songs being sung by a choir
and folks get laid off by the drove

Education plans are changing by the moment now,
please help us make our students bright.
Pension plans being paid by the towns.
We may sleep on the street tonight.

We know the tax mans on his way.
He's loaded lots of fee increases in his sleigh.
Our health insurance plan has gone awry.
Our referendum bill unhappily has died.

And so I wonder if this Florio plan
is understood by only you.
It looks awful bad, so for now I'll just say...
Merry Christmas to you.

We know the tax mans on his way.
He's loaded lots of fee increases in his sleigh.
Our car insurance plans have gone awry.
The D. M. V. fees have shot right up to the sky.

And so I wonder if the Florio plan
is understood by more than two.
Our States' at a loss , but alas I still say...
Merry Christmas to you.

-= christmas =-= 190 =---------------------------------------------------------

Christmas Is Revolting
by the Elves

Christmas, a special time of year;
suicides, moldy fruitcake and shop-lifting.
Santa, he struts and smells like beer;
You know he ripped off all the toys that he'll be bringing

Tinsel, holly, mistle-toe;
Heart attacks from shoveling snow.
Beggars in the street, eating reindeer meat
maybe it's someone you know.

Christmas, a time for shopping sprees.
Your credit rating's on a sleigh ride to disaster.
Checkbooks, cash and credit cards will all be there
to help you make that sleigh ride faster
The Yuletide season's just begun.
Christmas sucks and so does Santa - na na na na na, na na na na.
Time for office parties
Jingle Bells, Rudolph smells, Pokey runs away.

We're sick of making toys for ugly girls and boys
We know why lions eat their young.

Christmas is something to avoid, pushing shoving,
Biting, scratching, kicking, screaming.
Christmas is like a hemorrhoid -
It's here today, gone tomorrow but
will flare again next year.

-= christmas =-= 191 =---------------------------------------------------------

Up On The Housetop

Up on the housetop, reindeer say,
Santa Claus is becoming gay.
He's queered Donner and Blitzen too,
When he comes down the chimney, he'll get YOU!

Up on the housetop, what's that noise?
Santa's playing with little boys.
Now we can tell the truth at last,
Santa Claus is a pederast!

Up on the housetop, what's it gonna be,
Christmas presents, or sodomy?
Santa will give you a gift of sorts,
A textbook case of venereal warts!

Up on the housetop, who'll be first
To slake old Santa's sexual thirst?
If only the smoke wouldn't get in his eyes,
I see a hole that's about his size.

Up on the housetop, HO HO HO!
Santa's brought your Christmas snow.
While you enjoy it, he'll reach in his sack,
And give you a gift of the finest crack.

Frosty the Snowman is Big and White.
He chases little children late at night!
If he can catch them, you know what he'll do,
Snow-ball them 'til they're black and blue.

-= christmas =-= 192 =---------------------------------------------------------

Mr Santa Claus
by D M Goldstein, 1987
(sung to the tune "Mr Bojangles")

I met a man named Santa, and he'd pose with you,
In a red suit.
Silver hair, a red jacket, a long white beard,
and big black boots.
He'd fly so high, oh, he'd fly so high,
and then he'd "Ho ho ho!"

I met him in a Sears in Alaska, he was
down and out.
He looked to me to be the eyes of age,
as he spoke right out.
He talked of elves, yeah, he talked of elves,
smiled, "Ho ho ho"'ed and stepped.

(Chorus:)
Mr Santa Claus. Mr Santa Claus. Mr Santa Claus. "Nick."

He made toys for the girls and boys at County Fairs,
throughout the South,
He spoke in tears of eight reindeer, how they and him
just flew about.
Now they've all retired, oh, they've all retired,
They stay home Christmas Eve.

He said "They'd prance at every chance when they would land
on roofs like planes,
But most 'the time they'd sit around pole and play
Those reindeer games."
He shook his head, and as he shook his head
I thought I heard a "Ho ho ho!"

(repeat Chorus and end.)

-= christmas =-= 193 =---------------------------------------------------------

Santa Claus
by D M Goldstein 1985
(sung to the tune "Rocket Man")

I packed my bags last night for flight;
Zero hour, one A.M.;
And I'm gonna be high in my sleigh by then.

I miss the Pole so much, I miss my wife;
It's lonely out in space
On such a famous flight.

(Chorus:)
And I think it's gonna be a long, long time
before you get your gifts; you've yet to find
I'm not the man you think I am at all,
Oh no, no, no; because I'm Santa Claus.
Santa Claus, flying with my reindeer 'cross the sky.

The Pole ain't the kind of place to raise your kids;
In fact, it's cold as hell;
But there's elves to baby-sit them if you did.

And all these 'Go-bots' I don't understand;
It's just my job one day a year.
Santa Claus, I'm Santa Claus.

(repeat Chorus and end.)

-= christmas =-= 194 =---------------------------------------------------------

Farrakhan Is Coming To Town
from MAD Magazine 12/94
(sung to the tune "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town")

Sung to Santa Claus is Coming To Town

You better be black
You better be straight
You better admit that Hitler was great
Farrakhan is coming to town

He wears a bow-tie
He's got a real flare
You shouldn't mess with his bodygurds there
Farrakhan is coming to town

You see that he mens business
You see he's not a fake
He's angry if you disagree
So agree for Islam's sake

At stirring up crowds
He's surely a whiz
He'll show you just what a demagogue is
Farrakhan is coming to town!

-= christmas =-= 195 =---------------------------------------------------------

The Gingrinch That Stole Xmas
by Mark D. Harmon (journalism and broadcasting professor at Texas Tech
University, Lubbock, Texas.)

All the Whos down in Whoville took little note. Some listened to fear. Some
didn't vote. Little did they know a Gingrinch did lurk. He'd been scheming for
years to do evil work. The Whos were surprised to find in everyone's house, a
fat grinning rat dressed as a church mouse.
"I'm the Gingrinch," he bleated. "You Whos must be told that hope's been
defeated." The Whos looked around in shock and dismay. Who could have dreamed
such a strange thing to say? The Gingrinch, however, took little heed. He had
an agenda; it started with greed.
The Gingrinch chortled and let out a hideous laugh. He bellowed and beckoned
and brought out his staff. "This is Jesse, Strom, Alphonse, Henry, Bob, and
Kay; we have so much contract work to do today. We intend to change Christmas,
the whole Christmas season. We've got a new message; we've made a new reason."
The Whos looked surprised at the motley rat crew, but the Gingrinch insisted
they knew what to do. "Christmas now will mean so much more. Christmas now,"
Gingrinch sneered, "will mean blaming the poor."
"It's their fault," he drooled, "that they face gloom and doom. If they had
any sense, they'd come out of a different womb." The Who families held hands,
grimaced and snuggled. They remembered how together they had worked and
struggled. The Gingrinch, however, blabbed on unabated. He knew what he wanted;
he knew who he hated.
"This Head Start," the Gingrinch said very slow. "It teaches kids to think.
It helps them to grow. This Head Start," he scowled, "is the first thing to go.
Then abortion is next," dictated the Gingrinch, "but care for a child gets none
of our worth. Life begins at conception and ends at birth." Then he took away
job training, food stamps, and student loans. He heard all the pain; the
Gingrinch liked to hear groans.
"Now let's give to the rich; they've got it already. It keeps my campaign
contributions rolling in steady. And I'm tough on crime, that's what I'm
sellin', excepting, of course, those poor S&L felons. Remember that I want to
keep you all free. Let's start by making you pray like me."
All the Whos now were praying the nightmare would end, but the Gingrinch kept
planning to borrow and spend. With each falling snowflake, the Gingrinch grew
bolder, and the Whos remembered his ideas were much older.
"I want noise, lots of toys. Set my mind to race. I want tanks, bazookas,
and lasers in space." The Gingrinch insisted, "Raid the pensions. Tax the poor.
This voodoo will work, this time, I'm sure. Why I even dare to cut Medicare.
I'll need all this loot, and we'll find a new enemy or my name isn't Newt!"
That Christmas in Whoville tested the spirit of Yule. Few Whos could afford
to pay Newt's private school. Holly cost dearly, so Who's sprinkled twigs with
sage. Then Gingrinch abolished the minimum wage. Who children missed the
animals that used to freely roam.
The Gingrinch had sold off the parks they called home. Belching pipes now
polluted the water and air. Sick and old couldn't pay for the simplest care.
Yet on Christmas Eve as the stars shone through the haze, Whos ventured out
with a determined gaze. They held hands and sung, "Who Who Hooray. Der flugel.
Der flugel. Callou and callay. Welcome Christmas. Christmas Day. Bahoo Dore.
Sing of cheer. Sing of whos far and near. Sing of whos no longer fearing. The
Gingrinch is going, election day is nearing."

-= christmas =-= 196 =---------------------------------------------------------

Twas The Newt Before Christmas
by Dean Bakopoulos

Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the White House
Al Gore was eyeing Hillary, peering into her blouse.
The Secret Service men were guarding the premises with care,
For a whole host of Democrats were vacationing there.

Chelsea was nestled all snug in her bed
After locking out Mr. Kennedy and the dirty thoughts in his head.
And Bill in his sportcoat; a heavy grey tweed,
Had just fried his brain with some Mexican weed.

When out in the garden came a plethora of noise,
All drunken and rowdy: 'twas Gingrich and the boys!
Bill jumped to the window, and tore open the sash,
"It's a raid boys!" he cried, "Quick, go hide my stash!"

The pot in his blood and the moon on the snow
Gave a psychedelic haze to the objects below.
When what to Bill's frantic eyes should appear,
But a slew of Republicans and a keg of ice beer,

With a big old leader, all lively and fat;
He knew it was Newt, "Proponent of GATT!"
As vicious as vipers, the Republicans came,
And Bill recognized them and called them by name.

"Hey Helms! Hey Thurmond! Hey Packwood and Hatch!
Hey Dole and Pataki, it's time for a bash!"
A collective cheer rose out from the crowd,
"Let's listen to Nugent, and turn it up loud!"

Together Dems and Republicans danced and sang out in cheer,
"Screw Health Care and Haiti, it's time to drink beer!"
When from the chimney, came a blinding black cloud of soot,
And Limbaugh danced from the fireplace in a red Santa suit.

He moved through the crowd, then held up his hand
And when all was silent, he did a keg stand.
And the crowd raised their cups, as Newt bowed down in prayer,
And champagne flowed freely, just like welfare.

As Kennedy and Reno romped in the Green Room,
The rest of the crooks outlined their Hidden Agenda of Doom:
"We'll pray in schools, we'll shove it down their throats!"
"More welfare, more taxes, we'll still get the votes!"

And they drank, hugged, and danced, they crossed party lines,
And they cheered, "It doesn't matter, we're all bastard swines!"
So they threw out allegiance and partisan crap
And took turns sitting on the president's lap.

And Gephardt and Dole passed out on the lawn,
And awoke in the morning without their pants on.
And Packwood gave Tipper a pat on the rear,
While Judge Thomas and Miss Hill went out for more beer.

Then the party-goers discovered a sight so touching and cute,
President Clinton fast asleep, snuggled up next to Newt.
Santa Limbaugh smiled and threw up on his boots,
"A Merry Clinton to all, and to all a good Newt!"

Copyright 1994, by The Michigan Review, Inc.
All Rights Reserved

Written by Dean Bakopoulos, University of Michigan
Typed laboriously by Ryan Posly, University of Michigan
Thanks to Gregory Parker, University of Michigan

-= christmas =-= 197 =---------------------------------------------------------

Merry Christmas From The Legal Department

I. Though we, the "Greetor," wish you well
In our Holiday Entreaty,
We limit all your claims, Dear Friend
(Hereinafter called the "Greetee").

II. We wish you dreams of Sugar Plums
And dancing Christmas Lights,
But if these Fancies come to Naught
You have no Vested Rights.

III. In no case shall we be at fault
In Implied Claims of Fitness,
And all Writs of Depression must
Be Sworn before a Witness.

IV. Although our Approbations
Are Warranted full free
Of Defects in Sincerity
There is no Guaranty.

V. Whenever there's a Conflict
These, our Contract Terms, will rule;
The "Greetee" then is on his own
To have a Happy Yule.

VI. We hope that You, Your Kith and Kin
Find Christmas Viability;
But if You don't, note now that We
Decline all Liability.

VII. So if you don't hear Sleigh Bells ring,
Or smell the fresh cut Pines,
You have, "Greetee," Released our Firm,
Successors, and Assigns.

VIII. And if Our Heartfelt Christmas Wish
By Counter Claim is marred,
We may, at our Sole Option,
Repossess this Christmas Card.

Accepted: _____________
(Greetee)

Witness: _____________

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Page Updated Sat Jun 5, 1999 9:48pm EDT