Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Holiday_Jokes

-= christmas =-= 176 =---------------------------------------------------------

A Christmas Carol
by Tom Lehrer

Christmas time is here by golly
Disapproval would be folly
Deck the halls with hunks of holly
Fill a cup and don't say when
Kill the turkeys, ducks, and chickens
Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens
Even though the prospect sickens
Brother, here we go again

On Christmas Day you can't get sore
Your fellow man you must adore
There's time to rob him all the more
The other three hundred and sixty-four

Relations sparing no expense will
Send some useless old utensil
Or a matching pen and pencil
Just the thing I need... how nice
It doesn't matter how sincere it
Is, nor how heartfelt the spirit
Sentiment will not endear it
What's important is the price

Hark the Herald Tribune sings
Advertising wondrous things

God rest ye merry merchants
May ye make the Yuletide pay

Angels we have heard on high
Tell us to go out and buy
So...

Let the raucous sleigh bells jingle
Hail our dear old friend, Chris Kringle
Driving his reindeer across the sky
Don't stand underneath when they fly by

-= christmas =-= 177 =---------------------------------------------------------

Santa Claus Is Watching You
by Ray Stevens

Now babydoll, sweetie-pie, sugarplum,
honey-bunch, angel face,
You know you better be good
And act like two fine lovers should.
Be careful what you say and do
Cause Santa Claus is watching you.

You'd better kiss and hold me tight.
Give me good lovin' every night.
Cause you'll be sorry if ya make me blue
Cause Santa Claus is watching you.
(He's everywhere, he's everywhere.)

Well you may thing you can sneak around,
get away with something
But there ain't no way, Cause Santa's no fool,
he's really super cool.
He's the secret head of the CIA.
(Eesh, Iish, crime don't pay)
You can't do nothin' cause you're never alone
He's even got a wire tap on your phone.

So baby if you ever do me wrong.
Break my heart and leave me alone.
When Christmas comes, you're crying too.
Cause Santa Claus is watching you.
(He's everywhere, he's everywhere.)

Every Christmas season, he climbs on his sled full of toys,
With fuel exhaust, side mirrors, foxtails, mudflaps, and
leopard-skin seats covers
And spreads Christmas cheer to all good little girls and boys.
Then he says on Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid,
Donner and Blitzen,
and Bruce and Marvin, Leon, Cletus and George and Bill and Slick,
and Do-right, Clyde and Ace and Blackie and Queenie, Prince
and Spot and Rover
(Say where's Rudolph - He's on a stakeout over at your house.)
You can run, you can hide, but you can't get away
Got a binocular focus on you everyday.

So baby if you ever do me wrong.
Break my heart and leave me alone.
When Christmas comes, you're crying too.
Cause Santa Claus is watching you.
(He's everywhere, he's everywhere.)

Yeah Santa Claus is watching you
(he's everywhere oh lord have mercy)
Santa's got his eyes all over you.
You better watch out -
Ooh, look out there's Santa Claus peepin' around the corner
and shoot, you in deep trouble.
I don't think you understand the situation.
I got a call into the North Pole right now.
Them little elves gonna come down here
and whoop up on you.
I mean you gotta be true blue through and through
or Santa gonna get you.

-= christmas =-= 178 =---------------------------------------------------------

Christmas At Ground Zero
by Weird Al

It's Christmas at Ground Zero
There's music in the air
The sleigh bells are ringin' and the carolers are singin'
While the air raid sirens blare

It's Christmas at Ground Zero
The button has been pressed
The radio just let us know
That "This is not a test..."

Everywhere the atom bombs are droppin'
It's the end of all humanity
No more time for last minute shoppin'
It's time to face your final destiny

Well, it's Christmas at Ground Zero
There's panic in the crowd
We can dodge debris while we trim the tree
Underneath a mushroom cloud

You might hear some reindeer on your rooftop
Or Jack Frost on your windowsill
But if someone's climbin' down your chimney
You better load your gun and shoot to kill

Oh, it's Christmas at Ground Zero
And if the radiation level's okay
I'll go out with you and see the all new
Mutations on New Year's Day

It's Christmas at Ground Zero
Just seconds left to go
I'll duck and cover with my yuletide lover
Underneath the mistletoe
It's Christmas at Ground Zero
Now the missiles are on their way
What a crazy fluke we're gonna get nuked
On this jolly holiday
What a crazy fluke we're gonna get nuked
On this jolly holiday

-= christmas =-= 179 =---------------------------------------------------------

You're A Mean One Mr. Grinch
by Dr. Seuss

You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.
You really are a heel.
You're as cuddly as a cactus;
You're as charming as an eel.
Mr. Grinch, you're a bad banana with a greasy, black peel.

You're a monster, Mr. Grinch.
Your heart's an empty hole.
Your brain is full of spiders;
There's garlic in your soul.
Mr. Grinch, I wouldn't touch you with a thirty-nine
and a half foot pole.

You're a foul one, Mr. Grinch.
You're a nasty, wasty skunk.
Your heart is full of unwashed socks;
Your soul is full of gunk.
Mr. Grinch, the three words that best describe you
are as follows and I quote, "Stink, stank, stunk!"

-= christmas =-= 180 =---------------------------------------------------------

The Who Song
from Dr. Seuss's "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"

"Abu, dores, Abu dores, [What are they actually saying?]
Welcome Christmas bring your light,
Abu dores, Abu dores, Welcome Christmas, Christmas day...

Abu, damus, abu damus, Christmas day is in our grasp,
so long as we have hands to clasp...
Abu dores, abu dores welcome Christmas, Christmas day!"

-= christmas =-= 181 =---------------------------------------------------------

Mr Icicle, Mr Snow
from "The Year Without a Santa Claus"

(Mr. Heat Miser and Mr Cold Miser sing a dueling duet.)

I'm Mr. Icicle, I'm Mr. Snow.
I'm Mr. White Christmas, I'm Mr. Ten-Below.
Friends call me Snow Miser, whatever I touch
Turns to snow in my clutch.
I'm too much!
(too much!)

I never want to see a day that's over forty degrees.
I'd rather have 30, 20, 10, 5 and freeze!

[mini Snowy clones come out, as Snow Miser pirouettes and provides the
"Brrrrrrrrrrrr" background]

He's Mr. Icicle, he's Mr. Snow.
He's Mr. Green Christmas, He's Mr. Ten-Below.
[Snowy again]
Friends call me Snow Miser, whatever I touch
Turns to snow in my clutch.
I'm too much!
(too much!)

[must give the guys equal time, so]

I'm Mr. Heatblister, I'm Mr. Sun.
I'm Mr. Green Christmas, I'm Mr. Hundred-and-One.
They call me Heat Miser, whatever I touch
Starts to melt in my clutch. I'm too much.
(too much!)

I never want to know a day that's under 60 degrees.
I'd rather have it 70, 80, 90, 100 degrees.
Some like it hot, but I like it REALLY hot!

[Miser mini-clones come in]
He's Mr. Heatblister, he's Mr. Sun.
He's Mr. Green Christmas, he's Mr. Hundred-and-One.
[the hothead sings again]
They call me Heat Miser, whatever I touch
Starts to melt in my clutch. I'm too much.
(too much!)

-= christmas =-= 182 =---------------------------------------------------------

I'll Be Cloned For Christmas
by D M Goldstein, 1988
(sung to the tune "I'll Be Home For Christmas")

I'll be cloned for Christmas,
there'll be three of me;
One to Work, and One to Shop,
and One just for Parties.

Christmas Eve, I'm certain,
I won't be alone;
I'll be home for Christmas,
or else I'll send a Clone!

-= christmas =-= 183 =---------------------------------------------------------

Have A Merry Military Christmas

Little Johhny Johnson wants an M-16.
Sister Suzi wants an Uzi and a sub-machine.
Kids are making wishes and wartime strategies,
Singing, 'Happy, happy birthday to the Prince of Peace.'

Buy war toys for Christmas; have a happy holiday!
Santa traded in his red cap for a Green Beret.
Teach those happy little children to be hellcats when they play,
And have a very, merry, military day!

Jamie wants the lastest deadly laser gun.
Little Tommy asked his mommy for his own B-1.
Kids are dropping napalm on their Christmas trees,
Singing, 'Happy, happy birthday to the Prince of Peace.'

Buy war toys for Christmas; have a happy holiday!
Santa knows the missile toes the line in every way.
Teach those happy little children to be hellcats when they play,
And have a very, merry, military day!

We all have our fingers crossed,
For another cold war frost,
Singing, 'Oh by golly,
Let's be jolly,
Deck the Holocaust!'

Darling Danny Simpson armed his own brigade,
Staged a coup and overthrew the Christmas day parade.
Kids are roasting chestnuts and burning MRE's,
Singing 'Happy, happy birthday to the Prince of Peace!'

By war toys for Christmas; have a happy holiday!
Santa fired his reindeer; now he flies the Enola Gay.
Teach those happy little children to be hellcats when they play,
And have a very, merry, military day!

And have a very, scary, military day!

Singing 'Happy, happy birthday to the Prince of Peeeace!'

-= christmas =-= 184 =---------------------------------------------------------

Wonder Where I Am
(sung like the movie 'Arthur' to the tune "Winter Wonderland")

At the office Christmas party,
I started out with a Bacardi.
I didn't get saused,
But, right now, I'm lost!
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!

I had a beer at my brother's,
Had egg nog at my mother's,
Then two bottles of wine.
Which automobile's mine?
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!

Someone caught me dancing with a snowman.
Policemen came and put me in their car.
They asked, 'Are you drunk?' And I said, 'No, man,
But could you drop me off at the next bar?'

I guess my wife must be missing;
Who's this dog that I kissing?
They say his name's 'Spot',
And he likes me...a lot!!
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!

I was looking for a lady I could dance with,
And so I stood beneath the mistletoes.
Someone said, 'You'd have a better chance if
You take the lamp shade off and put back on your clothes'!

Well it's time to be going.
I'm naked! Is it still snowing?
It's time I should leave,
But I'll be back New Year's Eve!!!
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!

Have you seen my hat; I wouldn't want to freeze!
What a party!! Don't you wish you were me?!?!?

-= christmas =-= 185 =---------------------------------------------------------

Computer Wonderland
by D M Goldstein 1983
(sung to the tune "Winter Wonderland")

Axes swing, are you listenin'?
Gold and jewels, how they glisten.
A beautiful sight, ADVENTURE at night,
playing in Computer Wonderland.

(Bridge:)
In the KINGDOM we can feed the peasants,
or plot our BIORYTHM for a year;
Save the universe from Cylons playing STARTREK,
or even try BACKGAMMON if you dare.

Later on, we'll play WUMPUS;
Zing those bats when they thump us.
OTHELLO's just fine, I win every time,
playing in Computer Wonderland.

-= christmas =-= 186 =---------------------------------------------------------

Nuclear Winter Wonderland
(sung to the tune "Winter Wonderland")

Hello kids, are you listening?
In Kiev, things are glistening
A beautiful sight
We're happy tonight
In our Nuclear Winter Wonderland

It began in Chernobyl
But the cloud's goin' global
We'll all feel just fine
We'll sip iodine
In our Nuclear Winter Wonderland

Near the meltdown we can build a snowman
And we'll name him Andrei or Mikhail
Then we'll sit around and watch him glow, man
Until we duck the phosphorescent hail

Lots of folks will expire
As they sit by the fire
The stacks will look neat
Encased in concrete
In our Nuclear Winter Wonderland

La la la, la de da da
La la la, la de da da
La dee da da da
La dee da da da
In our Nuclear Winter Wonderland

Oh, we can all go have bone marrow transplants
Maybe somehow we will all survive
We'll have lots of fun in chemother'py
When we sport growths in 2025!

Gone away is the sun here
Here to stay is the nuclear
We'll play in the snow
We'll laugh and we'll glow
In our Nuclear Winter Wonderland
In our Nuclear Winter Wonderland!

-= christmas =-= 187 =---------------------------------------------------------

Watch 'Em Glow
A Christmas Song for the Nuclear Age
(sung to the tune "Let It Snow")

Oh it happened quite late this morning,
The reactor gave a warning,
So as the walls start to flow,
Watch 'em Glow
Watch 'em Glow
Watch 'em Glow....

Officials begin to wonder,
With the fault line running under,
If nukes were the way to go...
Watch 'em Glow
Watch 'em Glow
Watch 'em Glow....

Oh the units were built in threes,
'Cause the number is funny and droll,
And now we can see the Chinese
A-wavin' at us from the hole!

Now the little black smudge is sister,
And my dog is just a blister,
But since it's their time to go,
Watch 'em Glow
Watch 'em Glow
Watch 'em Glow....

Now they say the "event" was "unplanned,
Just a shift in the offshore shelf,
And that's why my thyroid gland
Is driving a car by itself!

Now grandmother aint too pretty,
And that hairless blob is kitty,
But she's eight more lives to go,
Watch 'em Glow
Watch 'em Glow
Watch 'em Glow

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