Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Holiday_Jokes

A generous Ball of Stuffing (1.75" diameter) is carefully pre-wrapped with a
Slice of Dark Meat and a Slice of Light Meat, thus satisfying all tastes. Next,
the remaining members of the Serving Team at this Station add Potatoes, Beans
and Gravy, and delivers the Product to the Employee.
Next, two more Serving Team Members offer an impressive array of Cranberry
Juice and Orange Juice, plus a choice of eggnog both With and Without Brandy,
labelled as "Leaded" and "Unleaded" (our little joke). Since we want to deliver
Consistent Value, the "Unleaded" EggNog serving contains twice as much EggNog as
the "Leaded" variety.
Notice that the Christmas Party Serving Lines are implemented with Dual
Redundancy. This is important, since it not only provides more Efficient
Service to meet Demand, but it also, should one line become disrupted, provides
a fallback so as to not severely impact the Schedule.
After the Employee receives his Christmas Party Meal, he is directed by
several members of the Walking Team to his table. Employees are seated solely
based on their order in line, both to provide Good Companionship and to
eliminate confusion imminent in Employees seeking out other particular
Employees.
The Walking Team is perhaps the most diverse Team in its duties. After the
Employee is seated the Walking Team is responsible for ensuring that Everything
is All Right. This includes, when an Employee is finished with his Christmas
Party Meal, the removal of Trays and Utensils, and the distribution of the
standard Christmas Gift. This action is carried out with the Just-In-Time
philosophy. When the Employee's meal is finished and his EggNog is nearing
emptiness, the Walking Team springs into action. One Walking Team Member removes
the Tray and Utensils, one collects the final Christmas Party Ticket coupon, a
third Walking Team Member distributes the standard Christmas Gift, and a fourth
verifies the Employee's Satisfaction with the Christmas Party Meal.
While your Employee is enjoying his Christmas Party Meal, several other
Activities are ongoing. First, a Special member of the Christmas Party Committee
is traveling about the Tables in the guise of Santa Claus. Since time is
limited, you ensure that the delivery of the Santa Claus Service is properly
received by all Employees by use of a Wireless Microphone. Second, the Christmas
Season Atmosphere is provided by your local High School Choir. This not only
provides soothing, cheerful music for your Employees but also strengthens the
Sense of Community with the Town outside the Company.
The third Activity is the Door Prize Drawing. Since no Employee is more than
five minutes late, you can be sure that all Employees assigned to this Seating
have arrived and been Greeted within fifteen minutes after the Opening of the
Seating. Then the Door Prize Drawing Bin can be sprinted up to the head of the
Cafeteria, where the Corporate Executive Officer, with Santa Claus as his
Helper, draws names from the Door Prize Drawing Bin and distributes the Door
Prizes. The Door Prizes are a series of increasingly valuable Prizes, ranging
from a Free Employee Recreational Association Membership to a Telephone
Answering Machine to a Twenty-Five Inch Zenith Color Television, and the Grand
Prize, a Sony Handycam Camcorder.
Once the Door Prize Drawing is completed, the Employees should have had
sufficient time to Eat, Relax, and Indulge in the Fellowship of his Neighboring
Employee. Therefore the Corporate Christmas Party is concluded, and all
Employees present can rise Together and resume their normal tasks, filled with
Happiness, Good Cheer, Good Food and a Renewed Sense of Companionship.
In conclusion, the Total Quality Management Corporate Christmas Party is a
fun, safe way to celebrate, while simultaneously demonstrating the effectiveness
of the Principles of Total Quality Management. It also, incidentally, pays for
itself. The Effectiveness and Precision with which the Corporate Christmas Party
is Planned and Carried Out results in your Employees being able to enjoy the
Party to its fullness, and still be finished early enough to return to the
office after not the usual 45 minutes allocated, but an outstanding Thirty
Minutes!

Author's note: The sick part is this really happened here! The names are
invented but the details are verbatim...

ken ryan
ryan@fsd.com

-= christmas =-= 170 =---------------------------------------------------------

Memorandum
Rightsizing The North Pole, Inc.

Seasons Greetings

The usual large flamboyant typeface associated with the seasons greetings has
been downsized this year commensurate with the trend toward corporate
downsizing. [And the fact that SMTP does not support typeface control]

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early
reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether
they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North
Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no
longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping
channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he
could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model
Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and
Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should
take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer
will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has
been cited and received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed.
Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in
the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that
way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who
was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate
comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of
year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to
continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the
following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas"
subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the
cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing
considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective.
In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The
positions are therefore eliminated.

[The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French]

The [four calling birds] were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a
call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have
been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications
for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well
as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It
has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an
example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an
upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that
from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The
function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current
swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their
outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by
the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more
militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation
of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased
out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of
international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest
replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability
may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an
oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band
getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music
and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom
line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and
other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries
over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels
will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to
include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the
future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request
management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the
right number. Happy Holidays!

-= christmas =-= 171 =---------------------------------------------------------

Dec. 23, 1994
Northpole Standoff

A fierce battle ended in a stand-off today as a multi-jurisdictional task
force of federal law enforcement agents tried to arrest the leader of a militant
doomsday cult, who call themselves "Elves," living in a heavily fortified
compound at the North Pole. According to witnesses, federal agents hid in
livestock trailers as they drove up to the compound.
The approach was difficult in the snow using wheeled vehicles. Several agents
were reportedly thrown from the trailer when it hit a snowbank. The agents were
unable to use dog teams and sleds because the ATF agents shot all the dogs
during training at a nearby recreational facility where agents had practiced for
weeks on a mock-up of the compound in preparation for the raid.
As three National Guard helicopters approached, over 100 law officers stormed
the main compound, a heavily fortified gingerbread structure, throwing
concussion grenades and screaming "Come out!" Cult members and law officers
negotiated a cease-fire about 45 minutes after the incident began.
For the next several hours, ambulances and helicopters swarmed the premises.
The area was cordoned off and ATF agents with machine guns were posted in the
roadways to keep reporters at least two miles from the main battle area.
In a lengthy report on the group Saturday, The North Pole Tribune-Herald said
that the cult was known to have a large arsenal of high-powered weapons,
probably produced in a workshop disguised as a "toy factory." This toy factory
is also believed to be the sight of a methamphetamine laboratory, according to
sources inside the ATF.
The article quoted investigators as saying the crazed cult leader, who uses
several aliases, "Santa Claus," "Saint Nick," "Sinterclaas," and "Saint
Nicholas," age unknown, has abused children and claims to have at least 15
wives. Santa Claus denies these accusations of abuse and said he has had only
one wife, Mrs. Santa Claus.
Authorities had a warrant to search the North Pole compound for guns and
explosive devices and an arrest warrant for its leader, Santa Claus, said Mess
Stanford of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms in Washington, D.C. Mr.
Stanford added it would be useless to attempt to get a copy of this warrant,
however, because it had been sealed, "for national security reasons."
The assault came one day after the North Pole Tribune-Herald began publishing
a series on the cult, quoting former members as saying the deranged cult leader,
Santa Claus, abused children and had at least 15 wives.
ATF spokesman Jack Killchildren in Washington said the assault had been
planned for several weeks, although he added, "I think the newspaper's
investigation set up heightened tension."
The cult's fortress, called "The Toy Factory," is dominated by a tower with
lookout windows facing in all directions. Guards reportedly patrol the 77-acre
grounds at night.
Attorney General Janet Reno ordered the raid after cult members refused to
surrender documents relating to national security. A source inside the Justice
Department said that the documents were lists of cabinet members and highly
placed government officials who were naughty or nice. Despite preliminary,
secret negotiations to obtain the list, the Elves refused to surrender the
document to the Justice Department.
The raid was scheduled for December 23, because December 25 is believed to be
a traditional cult holiday and all the militant elves would be engaged in cult
rituals in preparation for the event.
At a press conference this afternoon, Attorney General Reno said, "These
militants abuse children in the most vile manner, by teaching them to expect
charity. They have even distributed free, working replicas of 'assault weapons'
and 'handguns.' It is a matter of dire importance to our future and the future
of all our children, that this peril be ended by every means at our disposal."
She went on to say that "I do not want to surround the compound and shoot
everyone and then burn it to the ground in order to prevent this child abuse
from occurring again, but that appears to be our only alternative."
According to Reno, the "Toy Factory" itself is a sweatshop and conditions
inside were horrendous. The Department of Justice is also looking into
allegations of animal cruelty. Former members of the cult have claimed that
Santa Claus frequently uses leather restraints on at least eight reindeer,
housed in sordid conditions on the compound. Witnesses reported seeing a
reindeer with a protruding red nose, which Janet Reno said was further
indication of the abusive conditions inside the compound.
Several of the elves were reported by the BATF to have been carrying
automatic weapons. However, independent sources dispute this, claiming that the
"automatic weapons" were nothing more than large candy canes.
ATF leader Ted Oyster, shaken after the ordeal, spoke to reporters as
hundreds of agents, many of them in tears, were taken away from the North Pole
in military airlifts, ambulances, and private vehicles.
"We had our plan down, we had our diversion down, and they were waiting..."
Oyster said resignedly, shaking his head.
A hospital spokesman said that most of the wounded ATF agents appeared to be
suffering from shrapnel wounds from broken candy canes, as well as frostbite,
apparently suffered from wearing forest-green camouflage in the wintery terrain.
Attorney General Reno offered no comment on these reports.
Mack "The Knife" McWarty was seen strolling across the White House lawn,
chuckling to himself as he read what inside sources say was a copy of the
naughty/nice list.
One highly placed government official was found dead in Marcy Park. His name
and the cause of death are unknown at this time, however, the White House
immediately issued a statement claiming the official had committed suicide after
learning his name was not on the nice list.
Patsy Thomahawk refused to comment on the advice of her attorney on whether
she had any part in removing copies of the naughty/nice list from a safe in the
White House.
A spokesman from the MJTF said that it was indeed a tragedy that Santa Claus
had caused this confrontation, but this should be a lesson to anyone who tries
to give to everyone without permission from the welfare department, and that
gathering sensitive data without a permit from official sources will be stopped
by any means.
FBI spokesman Bob Pricks, the former national Abortion Poster Child of 1944,
relayed that "We are dealing with a madman. We have cut off all electricity,
water, and communications to the compound. Santa Claus has demanded that we
relay a message to the world. It reads, 'Merry Christmas to all and to all a
good night.' FBI psychological experts are presently analyzing the message,
however, preliminary reports indicate this is an encrypted threat to invade the
neighboring towns near the North Pole. It may also be a doomsday message that
the cult intends to commit suicide, like Jonestown."
Shortly after the raid, a smiling Reno was seen strolling through the pile of
rubbish looking for anatomically correct Barbie dolls. She claimed that she was
going to confiscate any that she found as "evidence" and that they were for a
personal investigation that she was conducting.
Attorney General Reno also disclosed some information about plans to raid Mr.
E. Ster Bunny sometime next spring. According to the FBI's report on Mr. Bunny,
he has been hoarding food all year. This is in direct violation of a secret
Presidential Directive. "This ingratitude for everything that we have done will
stop, even if it means raiding every house in the USA to enforce these new laws
that were made to insure your freedom...." Reno said.
This, boys and girls, should make us all sleep just a little bit better
tonight. The government will protect us from overindulging in freedom. If they
didn't step in and take control of that "naughty/nice" list, just think what
shape we might be in...

-= christmas =-= 172 =---------------------------------------------------------

I Saw Mommy Smootchin' Santy Claus
by Homer and Jethro
(sung with a country twang to the tune "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus")

I saw Mommy smootchin' Santy Claus
Underneath the Christmas tree last night.

She puckered up her lips. Pleasure he
was a-seekin'.
She missed his mouth and kissed his nose,
and the dog-gone thing was a-leekin'.

Then I heared Mommy tell old Santy Claus,
"Santy, you have got to change your ways.
Go and get yourself a shave,
then I will be your slave.
Smootchin you is just
like smootchin' Gabby Hayes."

I saw Mommy smootchin' Santy Claus
Underneath the Christmas tree last night.

Their smootchin was so loud, it woke up
Uncle Fudd.
It sounded like a cow a pullin her foot
out of the mud.

Then I shot Santy with a BB gun
And you should have heard old Santy squawk.

Then he jumped about ten feet
And he took off up the street
And he hollered, "Merry Christmas to you all."

-= christmas =-= 173 =---------------------------------------------------------

I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus
by D M Goldstein
(sung to the tune "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus")

I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus
when we Christmas shopped last night.
They didn't see me creep
into the John to take a leak,
they thought that they were all alone
and so a kiss they sneaked. (oh)
I saw Daddy tickle Santa Claus
underneath his suit of red and white.
What a laugh it would have been
if Mom had only seen
Daddy kissing Santa Claus last night!

-= christmas =-= 174 =---------------------------------------------------------

I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus
by Kip Adotta
(sung to the tune "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus")

I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night.
He didn't see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep.
He thought that I was upstairs in my bedroom fast asleep.

Then I saw Daddy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his b

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