Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Elephant

==

[13]
Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant
or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and
culture
or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went
With His Elephants
The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.
==

[14]
Hickory Dickory Dock,
An elephant ran up the clock,
The clock is being repaired.
==

[15]
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of
marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
==

[16]
Don't call an elephant, he may come!
==

[17]
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant
wakes up and the elephant is dead. "Damn", says the ant, "one night
of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"
==

[18]
Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest
animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of
bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please don't
stand near the elephant's backside.... Madam, PLEASE don't stand near the
elephant's backside ... MADAM ... MADAM ..., too late; George, dig her out.
==

[19]
Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants.
It's done on a very high level.
There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved.
And it takes two years to get any results.
==

[20]
It says in a book that more than 6000 elephants go each year to make
piano keys!
Isn't it amazing what elephants can be trained to do!?
==

[21]
There was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great
(yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).

Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey
and roared at him:
"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
And this poor quaking little monkey replied:
"You are of course, no one is mightier than you."

A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer:
"Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."

The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly
munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:
"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"

Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a
blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a
nearby tree.

The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says:
"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have
to get so pissed."
==

[22]
A woman went to see a psychiatrist and complained, "Doctor, my husband
thinks he's a magician."
"What's so bad about that?" the shrink asked.
"We're being sued. A week ago my husband shoved a girl into a trunk
and sawed it in half."
"The girl's family is suing you?" the psychiatrist asked.
"No, the circus," the woman replied. "The elephant bled to death."
==

[23]
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment
somewhere.
(Faux Steven Wright Joke by Rod Schmidt)
==

[24]
An Elephant; A Mouse built to government specifications.
==

[25]
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
==

[26]
Two elephants fell off a cliff. Boom Boom.
==

[27]
Deep Thoughts
By Jack Handey
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world
is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding
on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
==

[28]
Telephone Joke:
"Hello, this is your local Zoo speaking. Do you like animals? We are
experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow
us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower?"

The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbour's bathroom is
bigger and better equipped to handle elephants."
==

[29]
If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
-- Zisla
==

[30]
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
-- General Sedgwick's last words
==

[31]
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Elephants.
Elephants who?
Ella Fintzgerald!
==

[32]
In the jungle there was once this elephant and a snake. They had a bitter
rivalry about who was smarter. So the wise owl (who was their arbitrator) set
each of them a test. To the elephant he posed the problem of catching or
snookering the snake; the snake, on the other hand, had to surprise and
astound the elephant.

Next day the snake crept up on the elephant; and within a blink of an eye
slithered up the elephant's trunk. The snake wriggled and wriggled up the
trunk, into the esophegus, down into the stomach, through the intestines, and
a minute later popped out of the elephant's arse, and said 'BOO!'

The elephant, clearly astounded, asked the snake to do it again; this was
truly a remarkable feat, and wanted to make sure it wasn't a fluke.

So the snake wiped himself on some grass, and slithered once more up the
trunk, slipping and sliding through the elephant's digestive tract.

When the snake emerged a minute later, covered in shit, from the elephant's
rectum, the elephant shoved his trunk up his ass and said 'Snookered!'
==

[33]
As any physicist, engineer, mathematician etc.. will tell you,
an Elephant crossed with a Rhinocerous gives |Elephant||Rhinocerous| Sin(theta)!
==

[34]
ELETELEPHONY

once there was an elephant
who tried to be a telephant;
no no, I mean an elephone
who tried to be a telephone.
(Dear me I am not certain quite
that even now i've got it right)
how e'r it was he got his trunk
entangled in the telephunk
the more he tried to get it free,
the louder buzzed the telephee.
(i fear i'd better quit this song
of elehop and telephong.)
==

[35]
The Elephant, or so it seems,
Very rarely has wet dreams,
But when he does, He comes in streams,
Revelling in the joys of fornication.
==

[36]
A lady while dining at Crewe,
Found an elephant's whang in her stew,
Said the waiter,"don't shout, and don't wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too!!"
==

[37]
How to Catch a White Elephant
=============================
Submitted By Niels Kristian Jensen
[C838216 AT NEUVM1]

Go to an place where there are white elephants. Bring with you a
muffin (with raisins). Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close,
drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it. The white elephant will
be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins). White elephants like
muffins (with raisins). Repeat this procedure for five days in a row.

After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin
(with rasins). The sixth day you climb the tree, bring with you a muffin
without rasins. Drop the muffin as usual. When the white elephant finds
out that the muffin lacks rasins, it will darken in anger.

And then you catch it the same way as an ordinary grey elephant.
==

[38]
The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book
on elephants.

The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the
British Empire."

The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal
Account."

The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the
Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear."

The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the
Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s"

Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than
People"

The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of
the Soviet Elephant"

And [fill-in random Eastern European Country] submited a poem "The Joy and
Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant."

But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but
wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead"
==

[39]
Once upon a time, bad King John raised a mighty army and set
out to conquer the known world. After a series of
successful campaigns, the remaining kings realized that
their lone efforts would never prevail. They had to band
together under the leadership of the best general they had -
"George-the-Turk".

George the Turk had promised that he would defeat bad King
John's army and would place him on a rack - in a public
display - so that no one would ever again try to conquer the
world.

While George the Turk was assembling his army and scouting
out bad King John, he also ordered his engineers to design
and build the largest rack here-to-fore made. The rack was
then fitted with wheels and required 40 horses to pull it.
When all was ready, George the Turk set out to do battle.

Bad King John, who was camped by a river enjoying the spoils
of his latest victory, had not yet gotten word of George the
Turk's army. George the Turk knew that his army must attack
quickly before Bad King John could prepare a defense. But,
alas, the 40 horse team pulling the large rack could not
keep up with the troops. George the Turk ordered more
horses to be teamed, but, still they lagged. George the
Turk remembered that Hannibul was not too far away in the
mountains with a herd of elephants. Elephants would be
better than horses for pulling the rack. So, George the
Turk sent his second-in-command to Hannibul to rent enough
elephants for the job. Hannibul agreed and also sent along
his best elephant handler.

This elephant handler quickly realized the importance of his
unique position in George the Turk's army and insisted that
he be given the title of "elephant engineer" and a huge pay
raise. George the Turk agreed with the title and the pay
raise.

The rack, powered by elephants and driven by the "elephant
engineer" , kept pace with the rapidly moving army.

Late one night they arrived at the enemy camp by the river.
George the Turk deployed his troops to cut off any avenue of
escape and issued the order to attack at dawn - on his
command. He also ordered the rack to be positioned on the
highest hill overlooking bad King John's camp. This site
was the perfect spot to publically display bad King John -
to show the world what happens to anyone who dares to try to
conquer the world.

With dawn approaching George the Turk goes to the top of the
hill beside the rack so that everyone can see his command to
attack: when his sword drops ---ATTACK !!!!!

All is quiet. The enemy camp is asleep. Every man is
waiting for the signal. The first ray of sunlight strikes
the helmet of George the Turk. He draws his sword slowly
and holds it over his head. The sunlight gleams off the
blade --- and scares the elephants that are hitched to the
rack. They start trumpeting and rearing and the elephant
engineer can't control then. He drops the reins and clings
onto the rack for dear life. The rack breaks loose from the
team and starts rolling down the hill -- straight for the
enemy camp.

All this noise wakes bad King John. He orders an aide to go
outside the tent to see what is the cause. The aide takes a
hard look, comes back into the tent, and reports:

"As near as I can tell --
It's a rambling rack from George the Turk with an elephant engineer" !!!
==

[40]
Two elephants - Harry & Faye
Couldn't kiss with their trunks in the way
So they boarded a plane
They're now kissing in Maine
Cause their trunks got sent to L.A.
==

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
QA JOKES
--------

Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir.
==

Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you.
==

Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.
==

Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow,
grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!
==

Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow?
A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
==

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't, you get down from a duck.
==

Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
==

Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.
==

Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.
==

Q: What is grey and not there.
A: No elephants.
==

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
==

Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue,
and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
==

Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue,
and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
==

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!
==

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?
==

Q: How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
A: He paints his balls red and sits in a cherry tree.

- similar joke -

Q: Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.
==

Q: What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: A native eating cherries.
==

Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries.
==

Q: What's the fastest thing in the jungle?
A: A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.
==

Q: How do you get an elephant to sit on a cherry tree?
A: Plant a seed and let the elephant stand on it.
==

Q: How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
A: It doesn't, it gets down from a duck.
==

Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
A: Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn (or wait for parachute practice.)
==

Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
A: So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.
==

Q: What sound do monkeys hate most?
A: Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...
==

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
==

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
==

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.
==

Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
==

Q: What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?
A: An elephant's foreskin.
==

Q: Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin?
A: When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.
==

Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.
==

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.
==

Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
A: About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world)
==

Q: How do you know if you pass an elephant?
A: You can't get the toilet seat down.
==

Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?
A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.
==

Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.
==

Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open
the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.
==

Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagon bug?
A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back
==

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.
==

Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.
==

Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
A: Can't get the fridge door closed.
==

Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
A: There's a VW bug parked outside it.
==

Q: How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge.
A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!
==

Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
A: Open door, get two VW's out, put tarzan in, close door.
==

Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
A: you can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO

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