Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Elephant

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
"Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses
in the distance?
Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
"Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"

What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?
An elephant is grey.

What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
"Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colorblind)

How do you get four elephants into a Mini?
Two in the front, two in the back.

What game do four elephants in a mini play?
Squash

How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Insert elephant.
3. Close door.

How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Remove elephant.
3. Insert giraffe.
4. Close door.

How do you know there are *two* elephants in your fridge?
The door won't close.

How do you know there are *three* elephants in your fridge?
There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.

How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?
By the footprints in the butter.
How do you get an elephant out of the water?
Wet.

How do you get two elephants out of the water?
One by one.

Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles?
So you don't see them when they float upside down in a bowl of custard.

Have you ever seen an elephant floating upside down in a bowl of custard?
No, of course not.

Why do elephants live in herds?
To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.

How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?
Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".

What do you do when an elefant comes through the window?
Swim for it...

What has two grey legs and two brown legs?
An elephant with diarrhea.

What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
Lots of room!

What do elephants use for tampons?
Sheep.

Why do elephants have trunks?
Sheeps don't come with a string.

Canonical List of Elephant Jokes
================================
12 Jan 1993 - interim posting
02 Feb 1993 - Initial list

[1]
There was an old man in France who used to get up every morning
at five A.M. He would then go and sprinkle a white powder on
the roads.

When he was asked what he was sprinkling on the roads, he answered
that it was elephant powder.

The person then remarked "But everybody knows that there are no elephants
in France!" to which he answered "I guess it must be working then!"
==

[2]
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided
to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with
the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained
posession.

The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal
when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant
trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.

The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing?
Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"

The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just
trying to trip him up."
==

[3]
There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; I don't know
why. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant
jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was
$10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet
off the ground would get $50,000.

All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump.
Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He's carrying a
baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches
the elephants balls pretty badly. Needless to say, the elephant jumps,
and the owner pays out the $50,000.

Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize,
so he ran another contest. He'd never seen an elephant swing its head
back and forth as if to say, "no." Same deal as before: $10 per entry,
$50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail.

Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat,
and walks up to the elephant. He says, "Remember me?"

The elephant nods yes.

The man says holds up his bat and says, "Want me to use this again?"

The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no....
==

[4]
Used to be a man who owned a bar out in the middle of nowhere. Not
too many people came to the bar, so he was trying to think of a good
gimmick to get people to come. It so happened he was watching T.V. at
the time and the parade for the circus was on. As the elephants went
by he remembered reading somewhere that elephants don't laugh.

He went down to the circus and inquired about buying an elephant. It
just so happen that there was an elderly elephant bull that the circus
was planning to retire. After agreeing on a price, the man bought the
elephant.

Back at the bar the man put a large jar on the bar with a sign reading:
"Make the elephant laugh, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000."

Well, a lot of people thought they could make the elephant laugh, and
soon the jar was almost full.

Then one night a man walked in and said to the bar owner, "I hear you
will give any one who can make the elephant laugh $5,000."

"Yeah, he's out back"

After about five minutes tremendous, deep, thundering laughter could
be heard coming from behind the bar. Every one in the bar raced back
to see what was going on. When they got there the elephant was
LAUGHING!!! The man could not believe his eyes. But, a bet was a
bet after all and he paid the stranger who had made the elephant
laugh.

A few weeks later and the elephant was still laughing. The bar owner
could not stand it any more so he put a sign on the bar reading:

"Make the elephant cry, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000."

Again, a lot of people tried and tried, but they could not get the
elephant to stop laughing. Finally the man who had gotten the
elephant to laugh in the first place walked in. Upon seeing
the sign, he inquired if anybody had had any luck in stopping the
elephant from laughing. Seeings as no one had, he once more went
back behind the bar to see the elephant.

In less than a minute a wail of grief cascaded over the bar. All
the patrons ran out to see what was up. The elephant had huge tears
running down its cheeks. Once again a bet was a bet and the bar
owner paid the man. Before the man could leave, the bar owner asked
how he had gotten the elephant to laugh and then to cry.

"Easy." said the man, "When I first went back there I told him my dick
was bigger than his. And now I just proved it."
==

[5]
A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular
procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.

Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant.
After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the
table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.
The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?".

Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly
disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't
believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"

With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to,
but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
==

[6]
An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn in her foot.
She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by. So the elephant says,
"Help me, help me."

But the ant refuses unless the elephants agrees to let the ant have his
wicked way with her. Replys the elephant, "Anything! Anything!"
So, out comes the thorn and up gets the ant and proceeds to enjoy himself.

Meanwhile, in a tree directly above them, a monkey, who witnessed the
whole episode, was in knots of laughter. Consequently he fell out of the
tree on top of the elephant.

Says the elephant: "Ouch!"

Says the ant, in his own little frenzy: "Suffer BITCH, SUFFER!!!"

- similar joke below -

An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a horsefly
kept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it.
It was far out of reach.

A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak.
"Oh, thank you!" said the elephant.
"My, pleasure ma'am." said the sparrow.
"Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't
hesitate to ask."

The sparrow said, "Well, all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck
an elephant."
"Be my guest!", said the elephant.

So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started fucking. In the trees
above, a monkey in the tree saw this and became very excited. He started to
masturbate, shaking a coconut loose and it fell from the tree, hitting the
elephant on the head.
"OUCH!", said the elephant.

Then sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you, dear?"

==

[7]
One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all
of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed,
she say this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he
was crying.

"Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games.
Boo hoo."

"Don't cry, little one.", replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic
wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was checking himself
over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed
witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just
couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him. So
happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way.

Feeling quick happy about herself, the witch once more took to the skies,
and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort.
So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant. The witch
asked him why he was crying.

"Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant
games. Boo hoo."

Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic
looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking,
and that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she waved her magic
wand, and *POOF*, the elephant was all grey.

All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed
that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch about this,
and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but
if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him.

At this point, the elephant just started wailing. "I don't know where the
wizard is", he sobbed.

"Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad", said the good witch.
==

[9]
PACHYDERMIC PERSONNEL PREDICTION
by Peter C. Olsen
A bold new proposal for matching
high-technology people and professions

Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the
right job has consumed thousands of worker-years of research and
millions of dollars in funding. This is particularly true for
high-technology organizations where talent is scarce and
expensive. Recently, however, years of detailed study by the
finest minds in the field of psychoindustrial interpersonnel
optimization have resulted in the development of a simple and
foolproof test to determine the best match between personality
and profession. Now, at last, people can be infallibly assigned
to the jobs for which they are truly best suited.

The procedure is simple: Each subject is sent to Africa to hunt
elephants. The subsequent elephant-hunting behavior is then
categorized by comparison to the classification rules outlined
below. The subject should be assigned to the general job
classification that best matches the observed behavior.

CLASSIFICATION GUIDELINES
Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out
everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever
is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the
existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to
step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of mathematics
will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then
leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an
exercise for their graduate students.

Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a
known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will
terminate. Assembly language programmers prefer to execute
Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray
animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs
within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed
elephant.

Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if
elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it
an elephant.

Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted
anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise
those people who do. Operations research consultants can also
measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the
efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will
only identify the elephants.

Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the
elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around
arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will
claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of
one dropping.

Vice presidents of engineering, research, and development try
hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent
it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the
staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are
completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the
vice president does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will
(1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge
itself to prevent any recurrence.

Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the
assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with
deeper voices.
Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for
mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

Sales People don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling
elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the
season opens. Software sales people ship the first thing they
catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware
sales people catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as
desktop elephants.

VALIDATION
A validation survey was conducted about these rules. Almost all
the people surveyed about these rules were valid. A few were
invalid, but they expected to recover soon. Based on the survey,
a statistical confidence level was determined. Ninety-five
percent of the people surveyed have at least 67 percent
confidence in statistics.

ACKNOWLEDGMENT
This study has benefited from the suggestions and observations of
many people, all of whom would prefer not to be mentioned by
name.

==

[10]
Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a
cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the
experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they
decided to have a go. A week after the experiment had started they began to
realize WHY the idea had never been tried, they were stuck for someone to
pull the cork out.

One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to
do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once
a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. The big day arrived,
they set up all the monitoring equipment and set out to a safe distance.

The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the
third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed
the button to sound the buzzer.

BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!!

The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the second
(2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away) was up to
his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away they
noticed that he was in fits of laughter.

"What the %$*& is so funny?" asked one of the scientist.

"You should have seen the monkey's face trying to get the cork back in!!!"

==

[11]
This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle.
And all of a sudden he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The
elephant is stuck in this pit and realises that he is going to die,
so naturally he start to scream. By chance a chicken hears the screaming
of the elephant and decides to investigate. He sees the elephant stuck
in the pit and shouts to the elephant: "Dont worry, I am going to
save you". The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle.

The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his *Red Porsche*. He throws
a rope from the Porche into the pit, the elephant ties it around himself
and the King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit. The elephant
is saved (loud applause).

So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him that
he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken should ever be
in mortal danger).

As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking thru'
the jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He wanders over
and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. (ohh, gosh)
The elephant shouts "Don't worry chicken I will save you". So the
elephant throws his tail into the pit. However this tail is too
small and the chicken cannot reach it. Undeterred by this the
elephant throws in his trunk, but, alas this also is too small.
As a last desperate effort the elephant throws in his his penis.
Sucess! The chicken grabs the elephants enormous penis and climbs
out to safety.

Moral of the story:
"If you have a big dick you don't need a red Porsche to pull a chick."

==

[12]
Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off
and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the
elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it
and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?"
His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk."
"No, at the other end."
"That son is the tail."
"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant"
A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "Thats nothing."
The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied
with her answer asks his father the same question.
"Daddy, what is that long thing?"
"That's the trunk, son" replies the father.
"No at the other end."
"Oh, that is the tail."
"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.
"That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?"
"Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.
Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."

Sign Guestbook

View Guestbook

Freind2@excite.com

Visitors: 00882

Page Updated Sat Jun 5, 1999 9:48pm EDT