Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Education

-= exam humor =-= 4 =--------------------------------------------------------

Fun Things To Do In A Final Exam That Does Not Matter

(i.e., you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the
final)

Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to).

On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to
answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the
grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

Bring pets.

Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go
to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run
off.

Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small
pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really
daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat
this process every fifteen minutes.

Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and
nothing else.

Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as
possible.

Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For
math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the
person nearest to you.

As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next
video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let the crowd stay, be
persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they
are allowed to stay.

Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat,
continue with the exam.

Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start
commenting on how easy it was.

Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a
multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely
blacked out.

Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream
out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that
whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam,
you should start crying for mommy).

Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her
in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get
an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white
mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you
away.

Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is
very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that
you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't
really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the
instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one
way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could
possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a
written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam.
Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious, like history
notes for a calculus exam; otherwise, you're not just failing, you're getting
kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the
attached notes for references as you see fit."

When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask
for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

One word: Wrestlemania.

Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before
concerts start.

Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it
often. Consider a small sacrifice.

Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. sent to you every
few minutes throughout the exam.

During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you
can reach.

Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree
angle.

Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to
stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you,
challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during
finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"

-= exam humor =-= 5 =--------------------------------------------------------

Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade
their final exams:

Dept Of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

Dept Of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in.
The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept Of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.

Dept Of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.

Dept Of Philosophy:
What is a grade?

Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

Dept Of Mathematics:
Grades are variable.

Dept Of Logic:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has
accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student
will not receive an A.

Dept Of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade.

Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the
corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

Dept Of Physical Education:
Everybody gets an A.

-= exam humor =-= 6 =--------------------------------------------------------

Selections From The Scholastic Aptitude Preparatory Test (the S.A.P.)

English

1. Which of the following is the correct answer to this question?
a. b. c. d. e. none of the above

2. ingot:bleak :: ingot:_______
a. tepid b. gold c. oak d. bolonga e. bleak

3. pork:algae :: green:_______
a. six b. five c. ten d. marble e. red

4. mugger:park :: king:_______
a. castle b. burger c. queen d. Jacuzzi e. bleak

Reading Comprehension

Read the following carefully and answer the questions below.

In addition to the obvious effects of solar activity on the upper atmosphere,
some scientists contend that it also affects the weather. These contentions,
however, are for the most part unconfirmed and some are very dubious. Even
further afield, a British researcher on epidemiology claimed last year that "the
periods of world dominance of successive major subtypes of influenza A virus
have synchronized closely with the periodicity of sunspots." Correlatons of
biomedical phenomenon with solar activity, such as this one, are generally not
taken seriously by most Western scientists. Many researchers in the Soviet
Union, however, do believe in such possibilities, including even a correlation
of sunspots with outbreaks of plague-spreading rodents in central Asia.

1. In what lanuage is the British researcher speaking?
a. Japanese b. Urdu c. Bengali d. British e. Media

2. The term "most Western" means
a. Hawaii b. John Ford's longest film c. nothing d. correct

3. A conclusion that could be drawn from this passage is
a. Russian scientists are idiots and Russia is full of rats
b. The sun has sunspots
c. Don't ask a question of a British researcher if you want an answer
d. all of the above

Mathematics

1. Which of the following is a number?
a. blue b. Jacques Cousteau c. watermelon d. John Doe e. 5

2. If Juan is fourteen and weighs 150 pounds, and Grover is nine and weighs 70
pounds, what is the probability that Juan can get anything he wants from
Grover?
a. 0% b. 100% c. a and b d. a only e. b only

3. Delbert McBumm wants to pawn a hundred-dollar watch. The pawnbroker gives
him eleven dollars for it and then sells it for a hundred and twenty-five.
What was the relative rate of mark-up in the watch in relation to half of
its worth, if the worth is calculated at three-quarters the difference
between the pawnbrokers's offer and 78% of Delbert's assessment of the
watch's value?
a. 100 b. 50 c. 75 d. 115 e. none of the above

/\50 6/\
5. Calculate the shaded area 6/ \__/ \2
of the figure at the right. / 2 |
a. 0 b. 50% c. c only \ /\ |
d. the answer is a 9\ /7 \ |10
e. go back, it's a \/ 8\__|

6. Grant McSwine is a repairman. If he tells Mr. White that it will take him
about 10 hours to do a specific job, how long will it really take him?
a. six weeks b. half an hour c. about three hundred dollars longer
d. not enough information because the type of repair is not indicated

Quantitative Comparison

In the following questions, you are asked to compare two quantities. These
quantities may be equal, or one may be bigger, or neither. On your answer sheet,
choose a if b is bigger, choose b if a and b are equal, choose c if a is bigger,
choose d if neither one is bigger, choose e if both are bigger, choose f if the
answer cannot be determined from the information given, choose g if you have no
idea.

a. 2 b. 15
a. the area of a circle b. the area of a square
whose area is 10 whose area is 10
a. my dad b. your dad
a. New York City b. Limpid, Iowa
a. something b. nothing
a. a mountain b. a molehill

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Page Updated Sat Jun 5, 1999 9:48pm EDT