Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Education

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== EXAM HUMOR
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-= exam humor =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------------------

The Final Exam

Instructions: Read each question thoroughly. Answer all questions.

Time limit: four hours. Begin immediately.

Agricultural Science:
Outline the steps involved in breeding your own super high yield, all weather
hybrid strain of wheat. Describe its chemical and physical properties and
estimate its impact on world food supplies. Construct a model for dealing with
world-wide surpluses. Write your Nobel Prize acceptance speech.

Animal Husbandry:
In three minutes, a stupid gorilla with a negative I.Q. will be admitted to the
room. Teach him to calculate cube roots. You may not use any form of
communication.

Architecture:
Build an exact 1:1 model of the Great Wall Of China by the end of the
examination period. You have been provided with 5 bricks and a piece of Scotch
tape. Extra credit: Build a 1:1 model of the Berlin Wall using 5000 pounds of
sauerkraut and then build Larry Wall using 5000 lines of Perl.

Art:
Explain Mona Lisa's smile.

Biology:
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form
of life had developed five hundred million years earlier, with special attention
to the probable effects on the English Parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.
Extra credit: Facilitate/catalyze the evolution of a single-cellular life-form
to the development of intra/extrasolar space travel.) Then create a human
being, given two pieces of DNA, a pair of scissors, and a piece of string; you
may not use the scissors.

Chemistry:
Transform lead into gold. You will find a tripod and three logs under your seat.
Show all work including Feynman diagrams and quantum functions for all steps.
You have fifteen minutes.

Comprehension:
Three minute time test. Read everything before doing anything. Put your name
in the upper right hand corner of this page. Circle the word name in sentence
three. Sign your name under the title of this paper, after the title write yes,
yes, yes. Put an X in the lower left hand corner of this paper. Draw a triangle
around the X you just put down. On the back of this paper multiply 703x668.
Loudly call out your name when you get to this point. If you think you have
followed directions carefully to this point call out "I have." Punch three small
holes in the top of this paper. If you are the first person to get this far,
call out "I am the first person to this point, I am leading in following
directions." On the reverse side of this paper add 8950 and 9850. Put a circle
around your answer and put a square around the circle. Now that you have
finished reading carefully, do only sentence two.

Computer Science:
Define computer. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a
generalized algorithm to optimize all computer decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU
supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm, design the
communications to interface and all the necessary control programs.

Economics:
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible
effects of you plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy,
the wave theory of light. Outline a method from all points of view. Point out
deficiencies in your argument as demonstrated in your answer to the last
question.

Electronics:
Build a particle accelerator. You have been provided with a wire cutter, ten
feet of wire, and a piece of bubble gum.

Engineering:
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your
desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten
minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever
action you feel is appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

Epistemology:
Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.

Foreign Affairs:
It has recently been suggested (especially after Black Monday) that only a
foreign war can restore America's lost national consensus. Propose the ideal
opponent(s) for the US in such a war, and how the conflict might be engineered
so that US would seem not to be the aggressor in the situation. Discuss the
pros and cons.

History:
Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day,
concentrate specifically but not exclusively, on the social, political,
economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and
Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.

Juris Prudence:
In Part 2 of Shakespeare's "Henry VI", Jack Cade, the leader of the Populist
revolt, proposes that the first order of business following a successful coup
d'e'tat could be to "kill all the lawyers". In light of the present populist
mood in the United States, assess the utility and any potential impact of such
a policy today.

Literature:
Compose an epic poem based on the events of your own life in which you see and
footnote allusions from T.S. Eliot, Keats, Chaucer, Dante, Norse mythology and
the Marx brothers. Critique your poem with a full discussion of its metrics.

Logic:
Using accepted methodology prove all four of the following: That the universe is
infinite; that truth is beauty; that there is not a little person who turns off
the light in the refrigerator when you close the door, and that you are the
person taking this exam. Now disprove all of the above. Be specific; show all
work.

Management Science:
Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a
generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an 1130
CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm; design
the communications interface and all necessary control programs.

Mathematics:
Give today's date, in metric. Extra credit: Prove that (0/0)=1. You are
expected to show at least 234 formulas. You may only use the following
variables: S=the speed of turkeys, F=the amount of snot in your nose, G=the day
of the week, and T=the number of pencils in your backpack.

Medicine:
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of
Scotch. Remove your own appendix. Do not suture until your work has been
inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

Metaphysics:
Prove that you do not exist.

Music:
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate it and perform it with flute and drum. You
will find a piano under your seat.

Philosophy:
Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare
with the development of any other kind of thought.

Physics:
Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the
impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Modern Physics:
Disprove Einstein's Theory of Relativity. Construct an experiment to prove your
position.

Political Science:
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report
at length on its socio-political effects this may have. Extra credit: For the
Noble Peace Prize, stop the war before all life as we know it is ended. Provide
an in depth report on how this was achieved. Do not forget to mention
fluctuations in the price of pork bellies. Extra extra credit: For the CIA's
Excellence in Covert Relocation Award (sometimes referred to as the Elvis
award), let the evidence that you started World War III get into the hands of
whatever agencies of authority still exist. Then, disappear. (Please note,
though the requirements to claim the Elvis may actually be achieved, arriving,
in person, to receive it will automatically invalidate your claim. Should you
be awarded the Elvis, we expect it, like you, to simply disappear without a
trace.)

Psychology:
Employing principles from the major schools of psychoanalytic thought,
successfully subject yourself to analysis. Make appropriate personality changes,
bill yourself and fill out all medical insurance forms. Now do the same to the
person seated to your immediate left. Also, based on your degree of knowledge
of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and
repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias,
Rameses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluations with
quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not
necessary to translate. Extra credit: Translate the aforementioned works into
Ancient Hebrew and provide a concordance of all their works, also in Ancient
Hebrew. Extra extra credit: Jeffrey Dahmer will be admitted to this room. He
has one chainsaw and a kitchen knife. Calm him. You may use any ancient
language except Latin.

Public Speaking:
2,500 riot-crazed students are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use
any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Religion:
Assuming the Judeo-Christian moral structure, take the stand for Adam and Eve,
and the eating of the forbidden fruit. Explain your position fully to a
Chassidic Rabbi, and answer his arguments. An Anglican bishop will moderate
this debate. Extra credit: Memorize the entire bible backwards in Swahili. Be
prepared to answer specific questions.

Sociology:
Estimate the sociological problems that might accompany the end of the world.
Show how the boy meets girl theory developed. Construct and experiment to test
your theory.

Xenology:
Create Aliens. Provide them with a working ecosystem, technological and medical
bases, culture(s), systems of entertainment/traditions/belief and communication.
Document the manner in which you envision they would interact with humanity.
Test your theory, paying particular attention to unforseen consequences.

Zoology:
Use gene-splicing technology to create the ultimate carnivore. Provide an
environmental impact study on this creature and estimate the chances of survival
of the Human species. Be prepared with visual aids to substantiate your
estimate.

General Knowledge:
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

Extra Credit
Define the Universe. Give two examples.

-= exam humor =-= 2 =--------------------------------------------------------

City Of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name: ________________ Alias: ____________ Gang: ________________

1. Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80 round clip. If he missed 6 out of 10 shots and
shoots 18 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he
attempt before he shoots 50 people?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 bal to Jackson for $820 and 2
grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of
the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how
many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day
crack habit?

4. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroine to make 20% more profit. How
many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4, if
he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to
make $800?

6. Raul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $25,000 for the hit. If
his common law wife is spending $250 per month, how much will be left when he
gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that
spent his money?

7. If the average spray can covers 22 sq. ft. and the average letter is 8 sq.
ft., how many letters can a tagger spray with 8 cans of paint?

8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What
percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?

9. Rosie's sole source of income is shoplifting. If she gets 10 cents on the
dollar from her fence, how much merchandise must she shoplift each week to
make $250.

10. Mike carjacked a Chevy Camaro for his date Saturday night with his young 14
year old girlfriend. He was arrested that night while making his girlfriend
in the backseat. How much prison time is he looking for for the carjacking
and for statutory rape, even though the girl looked legal? Assume no prior
convictions in arriving at your answer.

City Of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam (Answers)

1. Johnny hits 15*(4/10) people per drive-by, which means that he will have to
participate in 9 drive bys to shoot 50 people. However, he will have
completed two drive-by shootings and be just starting the third when he has
to reload. Since he only stole a single clip, he'll only have shot 16 people
when the homeboys with the Uzis' make Swiss cheese out of him.

2. At 454 grams per pound, 2oz of the rock = 56.75 grams. An "8 ball" is 8
grams, so pony has sold 10 grams total and has 46.75 grams left. If he keeps
selling 8-balls, he can sell 5 more (for a total of 5*$320=$1,600) and have
6.75 grams for his own nose. If he sells 2 gram packs, he can sell (46/2-23)
packs at $85 apiece = (23*$85)=$1,955. However, he could divide it into
small parts, bake it up into crack and sell the rocks for an even larger
profit. This problem is really more suited for the Gang Multi-Variable
Economics Test.

3. 800/$64=12 tricks plus a dance. Also, Ron should consider making a deal with
Pony from Question #2.

4. If he sells the cut heroin at the same price per unit volume, he will need
20% more volume. 20% of 1/2 pound (=8oz) is 1.6oz. So, Jarome will need 1.6oz
of cut to add to the 8 oz of heroin to get 20% more volume. He will want a
cut which looks similar to raw heroin and has approximately the same melting
point. Plain sugar or laundry detergent are suggested. Laundry detergent has
the added benefit of removing the possibility of customer complaints, but
will sharply limit repeat business.

5. Willie has made 2*$200 + 3*$100=$700 dollars from his theft so far. He needs
$100 more, so he needs to steal $100/$50=2 more Chevy's. However, he will
probably want to steal 4 Chevy's so he can take the extra two and make a
really def low-rider.

6. 6 years*12 months/year*$250/month=$18,000. Raul will have $25,000 - $18,000
= $7,000 left when he gets out of prison. If Raul kills her in the USA, he
should expect to get 6 years. However, if he takes her down to Mexico and
buries her scrawny, track-marked butt in the desert, he can get off scott
free.

7. 3 cans of paint will cover 3*22=66 square feet. 66/4=16 letters with a little
paint left over to spray in the eyes of the cop who's comin' after you. Or
the tagger could do 15 letters and a bitchin' skull.

8. 6/27=22% of the girls. However, 2 of them are lying because they've been
sleeping with Pedro, Hector's lieutenant. So, in actuality, Hector only
knocked up 4/27 or 14.8%.

9. Solve X/10=250 for X, X=$2,500.

10. Mike is only 12 so he will serve no time and will be doing it again to his
girlfriend in the lot in someone else's car next Saturday.

-= exam humor =-= 3 =--------------------------------------------------------

Things To Do Instead Of Studying For Final Exams

Have a root canal
Eat dirt
Go to all of your classes
Clean out your bellybutton
Make crank calls
Gamble borrowed money
Sharpen your pencils (all of them)
Talk to yourself
Call 976-anything
Try on all your clothes at one time
Try on all your clothes one at a time
Memorize the phone book
Play your records backwards
Glue money to the floor and watch people try to pick it up
Go to the airport and meet people
Bite the heads off Gummi Bears and take them back to the supermarket
Start new rumors
Hold your breath till you pass out
Rub your eyes till you see stars
Fry ants with a magnfying glass
Set every clock in a building forward
Walk up to a salesperson and ask "May I help you?"
Go Christmas Caroling by yourself

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Page Updated Sat Jun 5, 1999 9:48pm EDT