Jokes - http://maxpages.com/state/Clinton_Jokes

Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu
the
waitress comes over and asks Clinton, "Are you ready to order?"

Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."

"A quickie?!?" the waitress replies. "Sir, given the current situation of your
personal
life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order
from
the menu."

She walks away.

Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "Bill, it's pronounced 'Quiche.' "

The worst part of all this is the inevitable new products...

A cigar called the "Billdo."

And "Monica's Meat Tenderizer."

Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Larry Flynt?

A. One is a middle-aged sexual pervert who exploits young women, and the other
publishes a magazine.

A bumper sticker seen in Mason City, Iowa:

"If Clinton was the answer, it must have been a really stupid question."

Kentucky Fried Chicken is coming out with a new "Hillary Special." You get two
large thighs, two small breasts and two left wings.

Q. What does Monica Lewinsky have in her pocket?

A. A wad of Bills. (Actually, my 10 year old son told me this. Pretty scary.)

(Maybe he's been spending too much time visiting ClintonJokes. -Jokemaster.)

The Senate is finally winding down this impeachment trial. They're afraid to vote
to
remove Bill from office, for fear that his approval rating might go above 100%.

St. Peter sees two lines of men at The Gate. One line snakes its way across
Heaven,
as far as he could see, under a sign which reads: "This Line Is For Men Whose
Wives Always Told Them What To Do."

The other line has only Bill Clinton in it, under a sign that reads: "This Line Is
For
Men Whose Wives Never Told Them What To Do."

St. Peter looks down and asks Bill, "What are you doing alone in this line?"

Bill meekly replies, "Hillary said to stand here."

A frantic lady phoned the police. "A Republican is standing on the ledge of the
building across from my office, and he's, well, pleasuring himself."

"OK, lady, we'll get right on it," the detective said, "But how do you know he's
Republican?"

"Because," she said, "if he were a Democrat, he'd be doing it to somebody else."

"Hillbillies In The White House," Sung to the "Beverly Hillbillies" Theme

(Warning: The following song is not politically correct. -Jokemaster.)

Well dere once was a story 'bout a man named Bill
Da poor President couldn't keep his "willie" still
But den one day he was workin' at his desk,
When in walks Monica and shows da boy her chest...

Boobs, that is. Two of 'em. Bodacious ta ta's.

Well da next thing ya know, Monica is on her knees,
Her mouth wide open and as happy as you please;
Bill sez, "Oh yeah, mama, now just don't say a thing,"
"If you do a real good job then we'll have a little fling."

B.J., that is. Phalli osculation. Stars and Stripes Forever.

Well, Bill lost his load and it fell upon her dress,
He said, "Clean it up, 'cuz you really are a mess,
And you're invited here to dis fine locality,
To have a heapin' helpin' of little Willie C."

Da wiener, that is. Da presidential staff. Air Force One.

So week after week, Monica is on her knees
Keepin' Willie and his Wiener just as happy as you please,
But then she figured out dat the fling had gone too far,
And she blabbed it all to Linda Tripp who blabbed it all to Starr.

Bad girl, that is. Tape recorder. Fine clothes.

Well it didn't take too long until we all knew the score,
'bout all da stuff dat went down dere behind da oval door,
Now da country's in da toilet and da people cry, "No More!"
But if we oust da cheatin' jerk, we gotta live with Gore.

Boob, that is. Tennessee Al. Mister Tipster.

So now ya know da story 'bouta Bill our President,
Still wonderin' if dis fling is gonna cost him every cent.
So da moral of da story is to do it quietly,
And only show your Air Force One within your family.

From Yakima, Washington:

"dont you be makin fun -no hillbillies ya hear? they aintrd edo"

(Your Honor, I rest my case. -Jokemaster.)

More bumper stickers:

"My President Slept With Your Honor Student."

"Nixon Only Forced Henry Kissinger to His Knees."

Two Secret Service agents on the late shift are taking a break in the White House
kitchen, talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. Bill
wanders
in -- searching for a doughnut. He's obviously overheard them.

After an awkward silence, one of the agents turns to the President and,
conversationally, says, "Well, what about you, sir? What sort of control do you
have
over Hillary?"

President Clinton smiles and says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night she came to
me
on her hands and knees."

The agents blushed, not really wanting to know any more. But, "Wow, sir!" said
one,
again conversationally, "What happened next?"

Clinton took a big bite out of his doughnut and answered, "Well, she told me,
"'Get
out from under that bed and fight like a man."

"Dear Mom and Dad: It has been four months since I left for college. I have been
remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to
date now, but before you read on, please sit down. Don't read any further unless
you
are sitting down .. OK? Good.

I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got
from
jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire, shortly after my
arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and
now I
can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day. Fortunately, the fire
in
the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at a nearby gas
station,
and he was able to call the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited
me at
the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burned-out dorm, he
was
kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement
room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in
love
and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure it
will be before I start to show.

Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to
being grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the same love and
devotion
and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our
marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from
passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will
soon
clear up, thanks to my daily penicillin injections. I know you will welcome him
into our
family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is
ambitious.
Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your
years
of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he is somewhat darker
than we are. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good,
too; I
am told that his father is an important gunbearer in his native African village. I
guess
that's it.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you to know...

There was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was
not
in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis and
there
is no man of another race in my life.

However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you
to
see these marks in their proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,
Chelsea

P.S. Stanford is great... I love it, though I miss you both terribly...and Socks, too!

P.P.S. (Dad, please give my best to Monica & the others.)

There's another dozen pages of humor and opinions... don't miss them!
It's hard to believe one of Mark McQuire's balls sold for 2.7 million dollars. Hillary
would probably sell BOTH of Bill's for a lot less than that.

Q. Why did Monica sit on the copier?

A. She needed another copy of her resume.

Dan (who is no doubt goofing off at his job in Boothwyn, Pennsylvania) points
out that
the phrase PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA can be rearranged into TO
COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS.

A Marine colonel on his way home from the Pentagon got stuck in unusually bad
traffic. He stopped a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of
cars
and asked, "Excuse me, officer, but what's the causing the delay?"

The cop replied, "President Clinton is so depressed about this impeachment
thing, he
stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse
himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He doesn't have the $33 million he
owes
his lawyers. I'm taking up a collection for him."

"Really? How much have you collected so far?"

“About 35 gallons."

Rep. Henry Hyde, the chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, had written a
letter to the President, imploring him to resign as the only way he could go out of
office with honor. In his just-released written response, President Clinton
informed
Rep. Hyde that he did not want to go out with Honor, but wouldn't mind going
out with
Rep. Hyde's daughter.

Don King was thinking about promoting a fight between Mike Tyson and Monica
Lewinsky, but he called it off when Bill Clinton told him that Monica doesn't
bite.

The Clinton Blues:

When I wake up in the morning
Don't want no coffee or tea
Just give me a few minutes
With Monica Lewinskyyyy...

Cuz' I'm the President, baby
And I break all the rules
I got the United States President caught
In the sex scandal blues.

Bill Clinton was conferring with the White House physician shortly after an Oval
Office encounter with Monica.

"Doc, I have a red rash, uh, down there, on my, um, well, your know... Could you
take a look at it?"

The doctor examined it and gave Bill a tube of cream to apply to the site.

"What is this stuff, Doc?" Bill asked, looking it over.

Without even looking up, the doctor replied, "Lipstick remover."

"Keep up the good work! I'm a bartender and your site has given my customers
and
me countless hours of laughs. Thanks!"

His baloney has a first line,
It's, "I did not inhale."
His baloney has a second line,
"I wasn't getting tail."

Oh, he loves to sling it everyday,
The White House people all just say...

That Billy Clinton has a way
Of making BS sound okay.

"Most of these jokes are lame.... only a few are good enough to get a laugh... why
don't you delete the crappy ones?"

(Because it would be a very small Web site. -Jokemaster.)

Q. What's Bill Clinton's favorite flower?

A. (No, not Jennifer.)

A. Tulips.

Monica decided to have her love handles removed... When she woke up, her ears
were gone.

We heard that Bill wants to change the national anthem to "Yank My Doodle It's
A
Dandy."

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